


Collateral Damage

by stayawake



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sad Connor, Sadness, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, connor is very lost, connor needs a lot of help, dead parent fic, does larry count even if he's dead???, like suuuper slow burn, poor boy, sad boys, sure, treebros, what do you MEAN im projecting????
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-02-01 05:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 76,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12698100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stayawake/pseuds/stayawake
Summary: Larry dies and Connor has never felt more lost.He feels numb so he punches the wall over and over and over just to feel something. Because it's fucked up that his dad is dead and he doesn't feel anything.But Connor is used to being fucked up.





	1. I'll See You In My Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hello this will be very dark. It is super completely 100% based off my own life and many, many things in here are things I've said/did/thought. This comes from my obsessive love for DEH, me suppressing all of my emotions/feelings from the past year or so (lmao), and my love/relation to Connor and his family.
> 
> I'm going to try making this a chaptered thing. I definitely have a lot to write about.
> 
> Let me know what you think!!!! I feed off validation and attention thank you.
> 
> I would also like to say that The Desperate Type by chchchchcherrybomb is my favorite fanfic of all time and definitely influenced my writing style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Lullabies by All Time Low.

August 17, 2016. 12:52 pm. 

His father is dead.

The house was filled with his screaming. Now silence. Now crying.

He feels numb so he punches the wall over and over and over just to feel something. Because it's fucked up that his dad is dead and he doesn't feel anything.

But Connor is used to being fucked up.

His mom cries. Zoe cries. Connor sits in the kitchen at two in the morning watching Parks and Rec and eating cold pasta someone brought over.

His aunt takes him shopping because he has no funeral clothes. He makes a joke about wearing an old My Chemical Romance shirt. No one laughs.

The way his family cries makes the funeral feel sadder than it actually is. Zoe sits with five of her closest friends and they all cry together. His mom sits with her sisters and they hold her hands.

Connor sits at the end of the pew. He stares at his feet and then at the casket. His dad is in there.

It’s closed casket. Car accidents are never pretty.

His mom and sister wrote pretty letters sealed in pretty envelopes.

Larry, my love.

To Daddy.

Connor has a note. He didn’t know what to write. He felt obligated to write something. The last words to his father he’ll never get to say.

Something along the lines of fuck you and I’m sorry.

Maybe now that his dad is dead he’ll be able to convince his mom to take him to therapy. Maybe she’ll need therapy too. And Zoe. It could be a family affair. His mom is always talking about how she wants the family to do more stuff together.

Connor almost smiles. And then he remembers where he is.

They ride in a limo to the burial site and Connor puts in his headphones. He can’t listen to anymore crying.

Zoe holds their mom’s hand and they lean into each other. Zoe was their dad’s favorite. Connor bets he wasn’t even the second favorite. Maybe their dead dog was the second favorite.

Maybe their dad is up in heaven right now walking their old, dead dog.

Connor almost laughs at that because he thinks about how when he gets up there his dad will probably berate him about having to walk the dog even in the afterlife.

And then Connor remembers that he’s a cynical piece of shit and the afterlife isn’t real and when you die it’s over. No second chances. No place to go. Dead and in the ground and forgotten.

Connor wishes he could trade places with his dad. It’s definitely what his family would want.

More words are said at the grave and Connor feels strange watching the casket being put into the ground. He’s standing at the edge, staring straight down. It’s hard to comprehend that his father is lying in there.

He remembers a time when he and his dad were close. He used to take Connor to so many places. Every weekend was a trip to the museum or aquarium or playground. And once Zoe was old enough, she came too.

Once at the museum, Connor and Zoe got separated from their dad. They must have been six and five years old. He remembers clutching Zoe’s hand and wandering down a giant hallway feeling lost. All these strangers were passing him and he was terrified and Zoe was crying and then he finally spotted their dad. Connor ran as fast as he could until he was in his father’s arms. He remembers clutching to him. He can still feel the relief in that hug.

Connor hasn’t hugged his dad in years.

Or his mom.

Or Zoe.

His mom hugged him when she found out the news. He walked into the house and she ran over sobbing and hugged him.

He missed his mother’s arms around him.

The day it happened, August 17th, everyone eventually went home and it was just the three of them. It would have been like any regular day, waiting for him to come home from work.

Except he was never coming home.

Connor used to wish his dad wouldn’t come home from work. He doesn’t know what to think now that his wish came true. He knows he didn’t cause this.

He knows that.

But.

Zoe sits with their mom on the couch and they cuddle together.

Connor stands in the middle of the kitchen feeling lost. All their counter space is covered with some food or another. They have about six Edible Arrangements cornered off in their own section.

One of the neighbors brought over a mini fridge to help store all the food.

There’s one less person in their house, but it seems so much smaller. The gap feels wider. Connor wonders if this it what it would have been like if he killed himself.

Maybe he still could.

But he doesn’t want to be buried next to his dad and he doesn’t think his mom could survive another death.

She couldn’t survive his death.

School starts in two weeks and Connor’s already preparing himself to be the kid who’s dad died. At least now he’ll have an excuse for his behavior.

Nightmare nightmare nightmare this whole thing is a fucking nightmare. Connor didn’t realize how much he would miss his dad. He didn’t think he would cry over him.

He’s also a little disgusted with himself when he realizes a small part of him doesn’t want him back.

His dad had a few life insurance policies. A few million dollar life insurance policies. His mom makes plans to sue the driver who killed him. Zoe makes a joke about all the new clothes she could buy with a few million dollars.

Connor thinks about all the weed he could buy. Somehow, he imagines his mom wouldn’t find his joke as amusing.

It’s the first day of school, first day of senior year, and it’s already not off to a great start because he has to drive Zoe. Zoe, who has her own car and doesn’t want to be associated with Connor, because she is a junior and juniors can’t drive to school.

Cynthia promises to call the school and try to pull some strings.

After all, Zoe’s dad did just pass away in a tragic and unexpected accident. The least she could receive is a shiny new parking pass.

It’s not a good day because everyone stares at him and whispers when they think he can’t hear. His teachers, old and new, pull him aside and assure him that he can confide in them. Connor nods. He nods a lot that day.

He takes his lunch break to sit in the library like normal, but can see the librarian making her way over to him so he books it.

He ends up in the computer lab. It’s quiet. He’s alone until some kid comes in.

Evan Hansen.

He glances back at the door anxiously before tugging on his polo shirt. His eyes sweep the room and lock on Connor.

Connor stares back.

Evan averts his gaze and makes his way to the computer closest to the door.

It’s 22 minutes of silence and typing. Evan types a lot and pauses. Connor scrolls through his phone and takes a few bites of whatever his mom insisted on packing.

His mom hasn’t cooked in a while. People keep bringing over food. Connor wonders how long they can milk the tragedy to get free food.

Evan eventually stands up and the printer comes to life. He looks to Connor quickly. Connor pretends not to notice.

“You okay?”

It’s surprising to say the least. Connor felt comforted in the silent 22 minutes they shared. Evan talking to him shattered that comfort.

“What?” Connor asked, now looking at Evan who was looking back uncomfortably.

“Are you okay?” Evan repeated. He had a cast on his left arm. A blank cast.

Connor shrugged. “First day of school always sucks.” He wonders if Evan knows about his dad. He wouldn’t ask how Connor was if he didn’t. He wonders how Evan found out. He wonders how everyone found out.

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled in agreement. He turns back to the printer and takes the sheet of paper, slipping it into his backpack.

“So,” Connor says, not sure as to why he’s talking. Maybe he’s lonely.

He’s definitely lonely.

Evan looks up.

“What happened to your arm?”

“Oh, um,” there’s an awkward pause, “I fell out of a tree actually.”

“You fell out of a tree?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Connor laughs slightly. Evan joins in.

He offers to sign Evan’s cast and he does, big capital letters taking up the whole thing. He doesn’t know why he does it. He’s not really himself lately.

Evan stares at the signature as if he can’t believe it. Maybe he really doesn’t have any other friends.

Connor knows what that’s like.

Evan looks at him again and stares straight into his eyes. It’s scary almost. Connor feels bare. He feels like Evan can see straight through him, can see all his lies and all his flaws.

He wonders what Evan’s really like. He’s known the kid over ten years and could list three facts about him.

His full name is Evan James Hansen. He was born in April. His parents are divorced.

Connor wonders how much Evan knows about him.

He thinks vaguely they might be friends on Facebook. He’s not sure.

Evan pulls a scrap of paper off a nearby table and scribbles a number, his number, down. He hands it to Connor who stares at it as if he’s never had another person give him their number before.

He hasn’t.

“In case you’re bored or something or need a friend,” Evan mumbles.

Connor nods and flashes a small smile at Evan. He doesn’t seem like the kid who would befriend the kid with a dead dad to get attention.

After all, he could have befriended Zoe. She’s the better deal.

There are people at the house when he and Zoe get home. There are always people at the house these days.

His mom and aunt fuss over how the first day was. Zoe’s best friend’s mom is there and doing the dishes. Zoe hugs her.

There are four of the same cake in the fridge. Connor laughs at that. No one joins in.

He thinks about driving to the cemetery. He’s not sure why. It’s nice there. The grass is bright and new. There are benches scattered around. Everything there is pretty.

The cemetery is a 37 minute drive away and Connor wonders if his dead father is worth 37 minutes. 74 minutes if you count both ways.

His dad’s phone is sitting in the study and Connor scrolls through it. The pictures are filled with his mom and Zoe. There are maybe five pictures of Connor out of hundreds. For a moment, he’s angry. He’s hurt and pissed off and wants to chuck the phone at the wall.

His mom would cry.

Zoe would cry.

Connor once cried when his dad tried taking a picture of him. He can’t blame other people for what is his fault.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was never supposed to happen. Connor would never admit it, but he always fantasized about being 30 and taking his family to his parents’ house, a day trip to see grandma and grandpa, and joking with his parents about how difficult he was as a teenager.

He was supposed to complain about his son only for Larry to roll his eyes and shoot Connor a smirk.

Larry wouldn’t live to see 50.

His mom cries at night and Zoe goes to comfort her.

That’s not her job.

Connor feels guilty that he doesn’t comfort her, but it’s not his job either. 

Is it? 

He almost texts Evan Hansen, but follows him on Instagram instead. Evan follows back almost immediately.

Connor checks. They’ve been Facebook friends since middle school.

It’s the second day of school and Zoe got her parking pass so they take separate cars. She leaves early to go pick up her friends.

Connor has English first block and sits in the second row. Evan comes in a minute later and hesitates before sitting down next to him.

They chat briefly. It’s nice to have someone to talk to in class. Connor’s never had that before. He bets Evan hasn’t either. 

“I like the first week of school because it’s so short. It’s two days and then a half-day and then you have a four day weekend. It’s perfect to reintroduce you to school and the schedule and waking up super early. I wish every weekend was more than just the two days. I could definitely use it to catch up on sleep or just do extra homework.” Evan speaks quickly. He talks a lot and he talks fast. Connor almost can’t keep up. 

“What are you doing this weekend?” Connor asks. He thinks he’s supposed to ask. It’s the polite thing.

“Oh, I’m not sure. My mom’s working for most of it so I’ll probably just hang out by myself. I might head down to Ellison Park. I worked there over the summer. It’s where I broke my arm,” he stumbles on his words a bit and pauses. “What about you?”

Connor blinks. “You talk so fucking fast, dude.”

Evan’s face immediately turns red and he looks to the floor. He has a nervous smile on his face and he’s picking at a thread on his shirt. “Sorry, I know,” he says softer, slower.

“It’s fine, it’s amusing,” Connor reassures. The smile doesn’t leave his face.

Evan looks up again. He looks slightly relieved. It’s like he doesn’t know how to talk to other teenagers.

Connor doesn’t know how either. 

“I’ll probably just hang out at home. Maybe watch a new show. Gonna get fucking wild.” 

They start talking about different shows and Evan admits he mainly watches a lot of nature documentaries, but he loves Parks and Rec. Connor perks up at that and holds back from admitting he binged all of Parks during the first week his dad was dead. That’s too dark. That’s the kind of thing you don’t share at eight in the morning in English class.

Class starts and Connor can’t focus because he finally has a friend and he feels slightly less like an outsider.

Connor avoids the library again at lunch and makes his way to the computer lab. Evan is already there.

“Hey,” Evan says when Connor walks in.

Connor smiles at him, this time sitting next to the other boy. He wasn’t really familiar with the idea of having friends at school. He was friendly with his drug dealers, but he’s been trying to cut back. He hasn’t smoked a thing since his dad died.

Drug dealers aren’t friends with sober people.

Connor and Evan chat some more and Evan shows Connor pictures from the park. He shows pictures of trees and some animals he’s seen. Connor finds himself fascinated by what Evan’s talking about.

“Connor!”

His head shoots up and he sees his sophomore year English teacher standing in the doorway. She has that look on her face. The same look he’s received countless times over the past couple weeks.

“Oh, Connor,” she sighs, walking over and leaning to hug him.

He stands up and awkwardly pats her on the back.

“Connor, I was so sorry to hear about your father. It must be absolutely heartbreaking. You are so strong. Is there anything I can do for you or your sister?”

Connor kept his face stoic. He’s refusing to let out his emotions around anyone, especially at school. “I’m fine, thank you,” he said.

She tilted her head and let out a small sigh of pity. He was getting a lot of pity lately. “Don’t hesitate to find me if you need anything,” she insisted.

“Of course,” Connor said, knowing he would never go to her.

He had a lot of people telling him that they were there for him. He considered what would happen if he took a random person up on that offer. He could just call up his third cousin’s girlfriend and talk to her for an hour. Or maybe his mom’s college friend’s husband. These random people offer to be there for him because it makes them feel like they’ve done their part.

Why do people make tragedies about themselves?

His teacher leaves and Evan is staring at the ground.

“Sorry about that,” Connor mumbles, sitting back down.

Evan shakes his head and finally looks up at Connor. “Sorry you have people trying to make everything about themselves.” He immediately flushes once he said that and looks away again.

Connor laughs, actually laughs out loud and Evan looks up again. “Yeah, it’s shit, isn’t it? You better not just be fucking talking to me to gain some semblance of attention,” he says, almost bitterly. He figures it’s best to bring his self-doubt out into the open. If those are Evan’s intentions then he can get out now before he gets too attached.

Don’t get close to people if you don’t want to get hurt. Maybe that’s why Connor’s not as fucked up as he should be about his dad being dead.

Evan looks like he might have a heart attack. “No! God, no,” he shakes his head impossibly fast. “You just,” he pauses. “I’ve never really had a friend and you always hang out alone. I figured we could be friendless losers together,” he mumbled.

Evan mumbles and talks at the speed of light.

Connor smirks. “So you’re trying to befriend me by telling me I’m a friendless loser?”

Evan starts to panic again and Connor shuts him up.

“Evan, I’m kidding. I know what you meant. You’re right, it’s better to have one person than no one at all.”

Evan smiles nervously and looks back at the ground. “Sorry about your dad.” It’s the slowest he’s ever talked. 

Connor considers this for a moment before shrugging. “He was kind of a dick.” He might as well be honest and show his true colors if Evan wants to be his friend so badly.

Evan laughs, not awkwardly or politely, but genuinely laughs. “Yeah?"

“Yeah.” Connor’s smiling. He feels guilty.

“My dad left when I was seven. He has a new family now. They live in Colorado. I think people feel bad sometimes, but I don’t care because he was a dick too,” Evan says.

“That sucks.”

Evan shrugs.

Connor flies by the rest of the day under the radar and gets home before Zoe. He’s happy he doesn’t have to drive her anymore because she stays after school for band and he’s not going to waste an hour waiting around for her.

The house is empty when he gets back and he wonders briefly where his mom is. He has a quick moment of panic and wonders if she died too.

A bitter part of him hopes that she waits until he’s 18 to die. Then he can take the life insurance money and move to New York City and blend in with the rest of the world and not worry about a thing. It’s not like anyone would miss him.

It’s not like he would miss anybody.

Zoe would be happy he’s gone.

He thinks of Evan.

Evan doesn’t know him well enough to miss him.

His mom walks through the door with red eyes and a stack of papers. He wonders if there’s a time these days that she isn’t crying.

She keeps sighing as Connor walks around the kitchen, taking small bites of different foods.

“You’re just like him.”

Connor spins around to where his mom is staring at him. He doesn’t say anything.

“Your father is the same way.” Connor doesn’t mention her use of present tense. “Whenever anything happened, he always tried to pretend things were normal. He never let it be obvious that he was upset about anything. I feel like I’m watching him just walk around and ignore what’s happening.”

Connor’s speechless. He thought he was the furthest thing from his father. He decides to ignore how she pointed out that he’s hiding his emotions.

“You don’t remember this because you were only about three, but I had a miscarriage,” Cynthia says. She chokes up slightly at that and Connor is rooted on the spot. 

He can’t imagine having another sibling.

“I was about 16 weeks when the baby died out of nowhere. I was so devastated. I had always wanted three kids. I was so sad.”

It’s weird to hear this. His mom is talking to him like he’s another adult. Like Connor’s not. Connor.

“And your father, bless him, I knew how excited he was for another baby. He wanted another girl. He imagined older brother Connor protecting his two baby sisters,” she smiled and tears streamed from her eyes.

Zoe needs protecting from Connor.

“He bottled up everything. He never spoke a word about the baby after all was said and done. He kept all his feelings to himself. I was a mess and he refused to let himself fall apart.”

She stares into his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Connor says.

Cynthia lets out another sob and Connor stares at her. The doorbell rings a moment later and he’s almost relieved. He goes to answer it and it’s his aunt. She hears the crying and immediately rushes past Connor to go comfort his mother.

He wonders if his mom is worried that he’s not more upset. 

He’s a little worried.

He wonders if Zoe’s worried.

He wishes he were more worried about her.

Connor spends the rest of the night alone in his room. He wants to smoke, but he doesn’t have any weed left and he’s too tired to text his dealer.

He hears Zoe blasting music from her room and he’s too tired to yell at her to turn it down. He’s too tired to care.

Zoe’s 8th grade math tutor comes over to the house and brings three cartons of ice cream. It’s hard to grasp the idea that they’re a family of three now.

Connor doesn’t care and he stays up until two eating ice cream straight out of the container and watching Parks and Rec.

He almost texts Evan.

He wonders what his dad’s last words were. He wonders what his last thoughts were.

“Why are you awake?”

Connor’s head shoots up and he’s staring at Zoe. She’s wearing one of their dad’s old shirts. “What?”

“You were passed out next to a tub of ice cream. You look like you’ve just gone through your first break up.”

“More like my dad just died, but sure.”

“You didn’t cry at the funeral.”

That leaves Connor speechless and he watches Zoe walk forward and take a seat at the island. He doesn’t know what to say to that.

“You didn’t cry when we were burying him either. Why don’t you cry anymore?”

Connor shrugs and watches Zoe as she takes the ice cream from him and takes a few bites.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve processed this shit correctly. I’m either in the first or last stage of grief. I can’t tell,” Connor says. He keeps a straight face the best he can. Zoe and his mom don’t have to know that he spends a lot of time crying in his room.

“Your emotions are fucked up.”

“There’s a lot about me that’s fucked up.”

“Mom’s thinking about going to a therapist.”

Connor nearly laughs at that. “What? Are we talking about the same mom who didn’t allow me to go to therapy?”

“It was dad who didn’t want you to go to therapy.”

“That’s fucked up. Good thing he’s dead.”

Zoe goes silent. Connor regrets saying that in front of her. He wishes he could regret that sentence all together, but he doesn’t really. A part of him is happy his dad is gone.

“You’re such a horrible fucking person, Connor.”

He crosses his arms. “So you’re telling me you would be this upset if I was dead?”

She frowns and starts trying to defend herself, but he’s already leaving the room. He knows he and Zoe aren’t close. He knows she wouldn’t miss him if he were dead.

Connor can’t remember the last time they hugged.

The next morning he wakes up late and considers skipping, but then decides he would rather be at school than alone in the house with his mom. Plus it’s only a half-day. He can survive three hours.

Except sometimes he can’t survive three hours. Sometimes he can barely survive a 52 minute class. He doesn’t know why it takes every ounce of strength in his body to pull out his notebook and copy what’s on the whiteboard, but it does. It’s hard. Living is hard. Connor wishes he were the one rotting in the ground.

He knows Zoe wishes the same thing. And his mom probably does too.

She would never admit it. Zoe might admit it, but his mom would never.

“I’m going to Jared’s house after school.” Evan’s voice is a nice distraction from the loudness of his brain.

Connor blinks at him. “Kleinman? I always forget you’re friends with him.”

“Um. I mean,” Evan stutters. “Our moms our friends. So he always reminds me that we’re family friends. It was probably his mom telling him to invite me over, but it’s not like I have anything better to do.”

“We could hang out,” Connor mumbles, shrugging his shoulders and making it seem like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t hang out with people outside of school. Or in school. He can’t remember the last time he invited a friend over.

“Really?” Evan asked, perking up.

“Yeah,” Connor said with more confidence.

“Okay,” Evan nods, his head shaking so quickly Connor was worried it might snap off.

“Here,” Connor says, pulling his phone out and sending Evan a text.

_sup_

“And now you have my number. Just text me whenever you’re free and we could go somewhere. Or you could come over. My house is kind of a disaster, but we could just sit in my room and play video games.”

Evan keeps nodding. He’s the most agreeable person Connor has ever met. “That sounds like fun. I will definitely text you.”

“Whenever you’re free, Evan, and if you don’t then I might text you first out of boredom.” Connor wants to cringe as the words leave his mouth. He doesn’t hang out with people. He doesn’t text people. He hopes he seems like he knows what he’s doing, but he knows Evan is clueless as well.

Evan does follow through on his promise of texting him. It’s a few hours after school got out and Connor’s holed himself up in his room. His grandparents, all four of them, are visiting and Connor doesn’t think he can take much of it. Thank god there’s Zoe for them to faun over. They adore Zoe. Connor’s just kind of there.

_Hi Connor! It’s Evan. I just got home. Did you still want to hang out? I get if you’re busy or tired._

_hey evan i’m down. can i come pick you up? i have two sets of grandparents at my house right now. kinda need to get out of here_

Evan replies with his address and the happiest looking emoji Connor has ever seen. He pulls on his favorite black hoodie and takes a deep breath before making his way downstairs. His father’s parents are sitting in the kitchen with his mom.

“Hey mom,” Connor says slowly. All eyes turn to him.

“Yes sweetie?” she asks, sighing slightly.

“Could I go hang out with my friend?” He feels weird asking this and he hopes she doesn’t make a big deal that he is telling her about a friend. This kind of thing hasn’t happened since middle school.

Cynthia’s eyes widen. “What friend?”

“His name is Evan. Hansen. He’s in my grade. I think he was in my class that one year you volunteered to help with the Halloween party.”

There was a time that Connor loved having his mom help out in his classroom. And then one day he went up to his mom and stared at the ground as he asked for her to stop coming to his school. He couldn’t have been older than eight.

“Yes, you can go hang out with Evan. What are you guys going to do?” she asked. He knew she was trying to appear calm. Maybe she was calm. Maybe she didn’t have the strength to worry.

Connor shrugged. “I don’t know. I think we’ll hang out at his house. Maybe here.”

“You can bring him here.”

“I guess.” Connor didn’t want to admit that he was embarrassed of his house. His family was a broken mess, it was too overcrowded lately, and there was a mountain of food filling the kitchen.

Connor made a joke that they could stock a grocery store. Cynthia started crying about how generous the community has been.

Connor doesn’t know what community she’s talking about.

The drive to Evan’s takes no more than seven minutes. He sends Evan a quick text once he’s parked in the driveway and then finally makes his way to the front door with a box of cookies in hand.

They had too much food at their house. His mom insisted he bring Evan some cookies.

“Hey!” Evan greeted when he opened the door. Connor had never seen him so excited.

“Hey,” Connor smiles at him, stepping inside the house. He shoves the box toward Evan. “My mom wanted me to bring these for you.”

Evan inspects the box for a moment before looking at Connor again.

“We have a shitload of food at my house right now. People keep bringing us food.” He tries his joke again. “I swear we could stock a grocery store.”

Evan laughs. And Connor smiles.

“Well, tell her thank you. It’s not everyday that I have people bringing me cookies,” Evan says, opening the box and taking a bite of one.

Connor follows suit, taking a cookie for himself. They stand in the kitchen in silence for a few minutes. Connor wishes it didn’t feel awkward.

“So where is your mom?”

“Oh, she’s at work. And she has class after so she won’t be back until late.”

“What’s she in class for?”

“Legal stuff. I think she wants to be a lawyer or a paralegal or something.”

“That’s cool. My dad’s a lawyer.”

And then it’s silent. And Connor’s frozen on the spot.

“Was a lawyer. Sorry,” Connor says. He’s staring at the cookie in his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Evan says. His voice is soft.

Connor looks up again and flashes a smile. “It’s nothing. I don’t care. So did you want to hang out here or go somewhere or?” He trails off as Evan takes a step toward him.

“You don’t have to apologize, Connor. I’m always here if you want to talk about anything,” Evan says. He’s staring deep into Connor’s eyes and Connor feels terrified. It’s like Evan can see the real him.

And he can’t let Evan see the truth. Because if Evan saw the real him then he would see how messed up Connor really was. He wouldn’t let Evan see the worst of him. He couldn’t. Evan would run away and Connor would go back to being friendless and alone.

He and Evan were barely friends, but he already couldn’t let it go. He was already too attached.

Connor coughs and looks away. He stares at the ground and tries to get his mind off the darker thoughts. Now was not the time.

Evan starts to ramble again and it breaks up his thoughts. “We could stay here. Or go somewhere. I have some video games if you were interested. Or we could watch a movie. Sorry, I’m not really used to having people over. I don’t really know,” he trails off and his voice gets quieter. “Or,” his voice is suddenly louder again, “We could go to the park I worked at over the summer. I could show you the ropes of the trees.”

“The ropes of the trees?”

“Yeah. The behind the scenes action. I’m sort of a tree expert.”

Connor smiles.

“Not to brag or anything,” Evan adds.

Connor drives them to the park and Evan walks them down one of the trails. Evan stops at certain trees to take a picture or stare intently at the leaves. Sometimes he names the plants for Connor.

They end up in an empty field. They lay in the overgrown grass and Evan closes his eyes. Connor stares at Evan.

“I did this a lot over the summer. I spent a lot of time in this field.”

“Really? I just spent my time getting high.”

“Oh, I get high off my own anxiety meds.”

Connor shoots up and coughs. “What? Seriously?”

“Sorry, no, I’m kidding,” Evan says immediately. He sits up too and shakes his head. “That was such a dumb joke. I don’t even know why I said it.”

“No, stop, don’t apologize,” Connor says. And then he laughs. “You’re really funny.”

“I guess.”

They lay back down and it’s silent again. This is certainly better than wasting the day getting high.

“So,” Connor speaks up. “Anxiety meds?”

Evan tenses next to him. “Yeah, that was a stupid thing to say. I mean, obviously I’m not the most,” he pauses. “I have anxiety.”

“That’s cool. I have depression.”

“Me too.”

“Not sure what else I may or may not have. It’s not even diagnosed depression, but I know what I have.”

“I mean, I knew I had anxiety before I even knew what anxiety was.”

“I used to have anxiety. Then I stopped giving a shit about everything.”

“I wish I could stop caring.”

“Sometimes I think I don’t care enough.”

Evan turns over. He’s looking at Connor and things are feeling more real. “I think you do care.”

“I don’t.”

“You do. You wouldn’t have befriended me if you didn’t care.”

Connor smirks. “Yeah, I don’t know how that happened.”

“I’m glad it did.”

“Me too.”

It’s quiet again and then Connor’s talking before he even realizes what he’s saying. “Do you believe in an afterlife?”

Evan squirms beside him. “Um.”

“Sorry, I don’t want to make this uncomfortable." 

“No, no,” Evan says immediately. He’s shaking his head. “You’re not, it isn’t. Just. Um.”

“I want to talk about real shit, you know? Not who likes who and what you’re planning to wear to prom. I know we’re barely friends, but still,” Connor says.

“We’re friends.” It’s the most confident Connor has ever heard Evan speak. And then he’s talking again. “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe in life after death.”

Connor sighs in relief. “Thank god. I don’t either. It’s complete bullshit. My mom won’t stop talking about dad looking down at us. Like, what the fuck? That’s not true.”

“That sounds like a real life Truman Show.”

Connor laughs. Again.

“So what are you planning to wear to prom?”

Connor looks at him, but Evan isn’t looking back. His eyes are closed, his hands are on his chest, and he somehow looks at peace. Connor doesn’t think he’s ever seen Evan look comfortable, even in his own house.

“What?”

“What are you going to wear to prom?”

“Why?”

“Because if we’re going to be the friends who talk about deep stuff we should probably also talk about meaningless crap.”

Connor laughs and closes his eyes too. He feels slightly calmer. “I’m not going to prom.”

“Oh?”

“Not really my scene.”

“You should go to prom.”

“Really? Are you planning on going?”

“My mom wants me too. And my therapist. He thinks it’ll be good for me.”

“That’s the one reason I’m glad I don’t have a therapist. I don’t need another adult telling me to do shit I’m not interested in.”

Evan sighs. “Yeah, but it helps. I think. I don’t really know. My therapist makes me write letters to myself.”

“Letters to yourself? Like a diary?”

“Kind of? It’s more like dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why. A pep talk of sorts.”

“That sounds fucking awful.”

Evan laughs softly to himself. Nervously.

“Anyway,” Connor continues, “I have these socks that say, ‘I don't care, I’m high,’ so I would definitely wear those to prom if I went.”

“That’s amazing.” Then a pause. “You should go to prom.”

“You repeat yourself a lot.”

“Sorry. Sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing.”

“Sorry.”

Connor eyes him and Evan has a tiny smile on his face. His eyes are still closed.

“I’ll go to prom if you go to prom,” Evan finally says.

“Is that a promposal?” Connor jokes.

Evan’s eyes shoot open. “No! Sorry. Sorry, no, just. Like friends. Sorry.”

Connor laughs at him. “Dude, chill.”

They stop. And Connor decides against his better judgment to open up some more.

“I don’t feel like I belong at prom.”

“I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.”

“I honestly don’t even know if I can see myself making it to prom.”

Evan frowns and scoots closer to Connor. Connor’s eyes are closed, but he can feel Evan put his hand on Connor’s arm. Connor flinches slightly before relaxing. He’s not used to people touching him, but it’s nice. Evan feels warm.

“I want to see you here.”

“Thanks, Evan.”

“Please call me if you ever feel like you might do something. Okay? I don’t care if it’s three in the morning, just please talk to me. Okay?”

Connor opens his eyes. Evan’s staring at him again. Every single one of Connor’s instincts is telling him to run. He’s terrified. If he doesn’t run away first then he’ll drive Evan away. One day, Evan is going to leave. And Connor knows he won’t survive that.

Fuck it.

“Okay.” And Connor places his hand on top of Evan’s.


	2. Am I More Than You Bargained for Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor continues to be sad, but at least he kind of has Evan now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm taking forever to update!!! School break is almost here and then I'll have a lot more time to write. I hope you guys enjoy!!! Pls validate me w/ kudos+comments. Let me know what you think :)
> 
> Also at some point in the future I'm going to go back and title the chapters, but I'll leave it for now.
> 
> Come talk to me @connmanmurphy on tumblr!
> 
> Title from Sugar, We're Goin' Down by Fall Out Boy.

Connor gets home to find Zoe asleep on the couch and their mom sitting at the kitchen table. She has an empty wine glass next to her. She never used to drink this much.

“Are we gonna move?” Connor asks.

He doesn’t really know where the question comes from. He wouldn’t care if they had to move. He never got attached to their house. They moved there when he was 11 and it was far too big for four people. It’s even larger with just three people.

“We don’t have to,” Cynthia says in lieu of a real answer.

“It’s kind of pointless to stay here.”

She pauses. “It is a little big.”

Connor stops. “Mom. We have five bedrooms for three people. It makes no sense. It didn’t make sense when Dad was alive.”

“Connor, please,” his mom says. Her voice goes high and he can tell he upset her.

And he wants to keep going. He can physically feel the anger building up inside of him. He’s going to explode and he’s going to lose it and he can’t help it and his hands are shaking and he thinks he’s crying and he can’t see and he can’t let his mom see him cry and she can’t see him break down and and and.

“Oh, Connor,” his mom is sighing. She moves from the table and wraps her arms around him. And he lets her.

Because he hasn’t cried to his mom yet. He hasn’t cried to his mom in years. She stopped being able to fix things so he stopped asking for her help. But now he was weak. He was becoming weak again.

He’s 15 and a freshman in high school. He can’t remember when it happened because the entire year blended into one long nightmare.

But he remembers one Sunday night in the living room. Connor remembers how weak he felt.

“Connor?” his mom had asked.

He looked up at her and there must have been something in his eyes because she immediately sat next to him and hugged him.

She doesn’t hug him anymore. Or touch him. He doesn’t know why. He started resisting her touch a long time ago, but he doesn’t know when she stopped trying. He hopes she’s not scared to touch him. That would be too painful.

“Sweetie?” she asked again.

And he broke down. Big, heavy sobs that took over his whole body. Begging and crying and pleading to not make him go back to school.

And she looked like she was in shock. Because he’s closed himself off for years and right now the words won’t stop pouring out of his mouth.

Hurt.

Die.

Make it stop.

Sleep forever. Forever and ever and never wake up.

In all of Cynthia’s years dreaming about her future family she never imagined having such a broken one.

“Oh, Connor,” his mom had sighed, rubbing circles into his back.

Circles circles circles. This family danced in circles.

Connor decided he would rather kill himself than go to school. Than live. But he was too scared to kill himself. He was scared it would hurt and isn’t that ironic. Because sometimes he cuts himself. That hurts too.

“I’ll talk to your father,” his mom told him. They sat there for a little longer before Connor decided to go to bed.

That night he listened to his parents fighting about him. Again.

The next morning his dad drove him to school and told him to get himself together. Snap out of it.

“What’s happening?” Zoe asks. She’s standing in the doorway and she’s wearing one of their dad’s shirts again because apparently that’s all her wardrobe consists of nowadays.

“Nothing,” Connor says. He steps back. He can barely show his weaknesses to his mom. He can’t show Zoe.

He goes to his room to mindlessly watch Youtube videos for the rest of the night. Someone knocks at his door, but he pretends he doesn’t hear and eventually they walk away.

He wishes he could stop caring. Stop worrying. Stop. Make it all just fucking stop.

Stop.

His thoughts keep him awake. Always thinking. Never sleeping.

It’s three in the morning and he’s pacing his bedroom and talking to himself and this is it. He’s made it. He’s officially crazy.

He finds Zoe downstairs passed on the couch with her laptop next to her. She’s frowning in her sleep. He stares at her. He stares at her and hates her because his reflex is to hate her.

He hopes she hates him too because that makes it easier to hate her.

He used to swear up and down that he hated his dad with every fiber of his being. But now his dad is dead and Connor thinks he didn’t hate him. Maybe he’s remembering things incorrectly. Maybe everything he knew about his dad was wrong.

His dad’s sister comes over to the house the next day and brings old pictures. His mom and Zoe look through them and cry. Connor watches from the edge of the room. He doesn’t feel like he belongs.

“You know, Connor,” his aunt says. “No matter what was happening or what you were going through, your dad loved you and he knew you loved him.”

Connor wants to flee the scene, but it’s like his feet are rooted to the ground. It’s too much and he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know if he believes it. It doesn’t sound real. None of this feels real.

This messes up everything because his dad is looking less like a villain more like a person. A person who didn’t know how to help his son. His dad wasn’t a monster, he was just helpless. He didn’t know what to do or how to help him.

And no. No. No. No. It is so much easier to think of his dad as an evil monster who hated him. It’s so much easier, but Connor knows that isn’t the truth.

He’s angry. How the fuck did this become his life?

He’s in his car and driving to the cemetery. Because.

He plays the loudest music he can find and drives as fast as he can. He turns his music up until he can feel it vibrating in his chest. It makes the car shake slightly. He drives recklessly because who cares about safety when you already want to fucking die. He drives by the law firm his dad worked at and it makes him angrier. Angry angry angry. That’s the only emotion he has anymore.

Except he doesn’t know how to get to the cemetery and he forgets the address and he sure as hell isn’t going to call his mom and ask.

So Connor ends up pulled over on the side of some random road and just starts crying. He holds his head in his hands and tugs on his hair and just. Cries.

He scrolls through the contacts on his phone because maybe there is someone he could call. He wants to talk to someone. He’s going to go insane if he can’t talk to someone. He vaguely thinks that he’s probably already insane.

He hesitates when he spots Evan’s name. He could talk to Evan. He could. Evan did tell him to call if he ever needed to talk to someone.

Instead Connor takes a picture of the open field next to the road and sends it to Evan.

_i cant pass a field now without wanting to lie down in the grass. this is your fault_

He sets his phone down and sits on the grass. It’s slightly damp and he can’t stop thinking about bugs that might be crawling all over him.

“I wish you were here,” Connor says out loud. He’s talking to himself again. He doesn’t know who he’s trying to talk to.

He pulls at the grass. “Fuck you,” he mumbles. And then he starts crying again.

Evan texts him back.

_!!!! Where are you??? That place looks so cool :D_

_idk some random town. got myself lost_

He’s feeling bold.

_hey could i pick you up in 20 and we can drive around aimlessly for a bit? maybe find a nice field or two_

_Totally!! Can’t wait :)_

Connor smiles and wipes his face. He has a friend. He almost can’t believe it. His dad would never believe it.

He can’t believe it took his dad dying to make a friend.

Evan’s out the door the moment he pulls into the driveway. He smiles, waves, and bounds down the steps to Connor’s car. Connor instantly feels slightly more at ease.

“Hey! How’s it going?” Evan asks as he gets in.

Connor shrugs and smiles. Does he tell Evan the truth? He’s having a rough time right now. His entire life is a long, never ending rough time. Evan doesn’t need the gory details.

“I’ve been better,” Connor settles on.

“Tell me about it,” Evan chuckles.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” A pause. “We’re being real here, right? Talking about deep stuff?”

Connor grips the steering wheel slightly. He’s kind of glad he has to keep his eyes on the road and off of Evan. “Yeah.”

“Okay, well I had therapy earlier and sometimes it really throws me off for the rest of the day.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know. Talking about feelings and stuff. Some days are more intense than others. Today was kind of intense.”

Connor doesn’t really know what to say. He doesn’t want to overstep boundaries. “I’m sorry, man. That sucks.”

“It is what it is,” Evan shrugs. Because sometimes life does suck and Connor knows that better than anyone.

“You know, I, um,” Connor starts. He glances at Evan who’s staring at him. “I’m here. You know. I know you said I could talk to you any time and, like. You too. You can talk to me about anything and everything.”

Evan breathes deeply for a moment and turns his head away. “I’m not used to having people to talk to.”

“Me too.”

“I lie to my therapist. It’s stupid, I know, but I just. I just. It’s. I can’t. I don’t know.”

“What do you lie about?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes he asks me if I’m thinking about hurting myself and I lie and say no. It’s just easier that way, I guess.”

“You’re not going to make any progress by lying to your therapist,” Connor says and holy shit he is the biggest hypocrite on the planet. Contest over. Winner: Connor Murphy.

Evan eyes him, “Right.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “I know I’m hypocritical as fuck. But like. I don’t know.”

“If my mom knew I wanted to hurt myself she would be so heartbroken. I don’t even. I just can’t.”

“Have you ever?”

“Hurt myself?”

“Yeah.”

Evan squirms uncomfortably. “Um.”

“Sorry. I know that’s, like, a lot.”

“No, no, it’s just, I, um.” Evan pauses a lot when he speaks. “I’ve never told anyone this before.”

“Again, me neither.”

“I’ve cut myself before.” It’s silent. “Once on my arm and then my mom bought me a bunch of short sleeve shirts so I did it on my legs a couple times. I don’t do it much. Maybe once every couple of months or so. Just when the anxiety is really bad. It gives me something else to focus on.”

Connor has spent a lot of time at school trying to predict which of his classmates struggle with mental health. He’s seen scars on a few other kids before. He would have never predicted that Evan Hansen would be a kid who cuts himself.

“I’m sure it’s not a surprise when I tell you that I cut,” Connor says.

“Yeah, not really,” Evan says. His voice is quieter than before.

“I have been since I was about 13, but I’ve thought about it since I was seven or so.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

It’s silent again.

“How often do you do it?”

“Often.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They go quiet because what the fuck are you supposed to say when you just revealed your darkest secret?

“So where are we going?” Evan asks. His voice has a slightly different tone to it.

“I’m up for driving around town aimlessly, but if you had a place in mind.”

“We could go to a playground?”

They stop at a light so Connor looks at him. “A playground?”

“Right, yeah, that actually sounds kind of stupid, sorry, we don’t-”

“No, no, it sounds cool, I just. Never thought that before.”

Evan smiles timidly. “The elementary school is nearby.”

So they wind up at their old elementary school a few minutes later and Connor’s sitting on the swings and it’s kind of a lot. Because the swings used to be so big and cool and every recess the popular kids would flock to them and refuse to let anyone else have a turn. Connor remembers dreading recess because he would stand off on his own wishing he had a group of friends to hog the swings with. Sometimes he would intentionally leave his schoolwork unfinished so his teachers would keep him inside during recess.

It’s like Evan can read his mind. “I used to hate recess.”

“Me too.”

“I normally hung out with Jared, but sometimes his other friends wanted to play with him and then he would just abandon me.”

“That’s shitty,” Connor says because he doesn’t know what else to say.

“Jared sucks sometimes, but I think he’s just really insecure.”

Connor almost wants to laugh because even though he’s realizing that he and Evan are very similar, Evan is still a better person than Connor could ever be. Even gives people the benefit of the doubt. Connor isn’t like that. He doesn’t think he could ever be like that.

“I mean, I’m insecure as fuck so,” Connor says, laughing slightly.

“Oh, you’re talking to the king of insecurity over here.”

“The king?”

“Yeah. I could probably qualify for king of anxiety too.”

“You’re just pure royalty apparently.”

“Apparently.”

And because he’s already shown bad parts of himself, “Hey, do you mind if I smoke?”

Evan frowns a bit. “You smoke?”

Connor’s already reaching in his pocket for a cigarette and his lighter. “Does that shock you?”

“No, I mean, like, I’ve seen you smoke before.”

Connor tilts his head a bit and Evan keeps talking.

“Not in a weird way. Just like, a couple times after school I’ve seen you, like, waiting to be picked up or something and you’re, like. Smoking. And that’s cool, I’m not judging you or anything.”

“I don’t really care if you are judging me.” Lies.

Evan nods and looks at the ground.

Connor looks back to the school and blows out some smoke. There’s something defiant about smoking on the grounds of your old elementary school. It felt almost liberating. A big fuck you.

“How did you even start smoking? I feel like it’s been so drilled into our heads that smoking is bad.”

“You cut to distract yourself from your anxiety.”

“Yeah.”

“We all need distractions.” He blows out more smoke. “Also because I knew it’d piss off my parents.”

“You like pissing off your parents?”

“They make me angry, I make them angry.”

Evan laughs nervously. “I can’t do that. I feel like I already hurt my mom too much.”

“How do you hurt her?”

Evan doesn’t answer. He looks at the ground and shakes his head a few times.

“Well, I hurt my mom by just existing.”

Evan looks up at him. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

Connor shrugs and checks his phone. It’s almost ten. He knew he had to go back soon. He wished he had the courage to run away. Maybe he could convince Evan to run with him.

“We should probably head back.”

Evan picks at a thread on his khakis and hums. He’s staring at the ground.

“Do you not want to?”

“No, I mean we should. I just like. I don’t know. I like not being at home. It’s like a small escape, I guess. I don’t know. I like feeling like I got to escape. Even if it’s just for a couple hours.”

“I really, really get that,” Connor says. He hops off the swing and sits on one of the slides. Evan gets up and stands in front of him.

“You think we could camp out here all night?”

“If we were gonna run away I would rather it not be to our old playground.”

“Where do you wanna go?”

“Anywhere.”

Evan sits on the ground in front of Connor and Connor nudges his foot against Evan’s. It’s stupid, but it makes him feel a little less lonely.

They eventually head back to Connor’s car and sit in the parking lot for a few minutes before leaving. Connor drives Evan home and nervously asks if he wants to hang out again soon. Evan agrees, obviously, and Connor drives home feeling much lighter than he did before.

Zoe’s at a sleepover and the house is empty. It’s silent. Still. Almost like the world slowed down the moment he stepped through the door. Most of the lights are off and everything feels dead. It wasn’t normally like this. His mom used to talk a lot. She would talk to her friends and to his dad and to her sisters and to Zoe. She made a lot of noise whenever she’d cook. Sometimes he would stand in the kitchen doorway and watch her. She would sing softly to herself and seem so. Happy. It wasn’t like that anymore.

Connor watches her curl up on the couch with old photo albums. He can’t understand why she wants to torture herself like that. There are hundreds of pictures of Connor and Zoe when they were little. When they still felt like a family. Connor doesn’t like looking at those pictures. It’s hard to comprehend it’s him in the photos. It’s almost like he was replaced years ago. He’s not that same kid. He feels like an imposter.

He watches his mom pull out her wedding album and just. Like. God. Why.

Stop it. Stop. Make it stop.

“Oh, Larry,” his mom whispers to herself.

Connor’s biting his lip as he watches her. He should leave. He should turn and go back to his room and pretend he never saw anything. His parents sure as hell turned a blind eye to his behavior.

His mom is talking again. “Did you know I broke my finger three days before the wedding?” Then she is turning her head and looking at Connor and he is frozen. “Did you know that, Connor?”

“I thought you didn’t know I was here,” he says.

She smirks. “I know more than you think.”

That makes him uncomfortable. He doesn’t want his mom knowing stuff about him. He wonders if she knows he’s suicidal. Does she know he cuts sometimes?

“You broke your finger?” he asks. He slowly moves to sit down next to her.

She smiles at him, but it’s like she’s not looking at him. It’s like she’s looking past him. At a memory.

“Three days before the wedding your dad wanted to go hiking. He used to go hiking all the time.”

“I didn’t know that.”

She moves her hand slightly and then pulls it back. He’s almost desperate, almost wants to beg, for her to comfort him.

“I’m not one for hiking, but I love your father so I went anyway. I tripped and broke my ring finger. On my right hand, thank god. I talked the doctor into not giving me a splint. I was not having a splint in my wedding pictures. On the day of the wedding I insisted on not wearing any kind of wrap. If my mother knew I went hiking three days before my wedding, oh boy, she would have killed me.” His mom is laughing. She’s smiling and crying and Connor hates seeing her likes this. She looks so weak.

“That’s funny,” he says softly, staring at the photo of his parents on their wedding day. Younger, thinner, happier. His dad’s hair barely has any grey in it. His mom looks so young. He knew they got married when they were 24, but it was like looking at two completely different people.

They’re silent and his mom flips through a few more pages. There’s now pictures of his mom, obviously pregnant, and his parents smiling as wide as they could.

He completely ruined their lives. He definitely should have just killed himself years ago. Maybe his mom could be happy again if he did.

“I love you, Connor.”

He hesitates and then lets himself lean against her. “You too.”

They stay like that for a little bit until his mom finally pulls away. It’s not long enough, it’s never long enough, and sometimes he forgets how warm his mother’s hugs are. Sometimes he really loves his mom.

She puts on an old episode of Friends and grabs some cold pizza from the fridge. They sit on the couch together and share a blanket and pizza and Connor almost can’t believe it’s happening. This kind of thing would have never happened a few years ago. He knows he’s come a long way, but some days it feels like he’s never made more than an inch of progress.

“So you hung out with a friend the other day?” she pauses the show and looks at him.

He picks at the crust on his plate and shrugs. “Yeah.”

“Evan Hansen?”

“Yup, that is his name,” Connor says. His voice has a touch of sarcasm, but he’s pretty sure it always does when he talks to his mom.

“You should bring him over to the house. I would love to meet him.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“He’s in your grade? I don’t think I ever remember meeting his parents.”

“They’re divorced. His mom works a lot.”

He feels her looking at him so he stares at the ground. He has a lot of trouble meeting her eyes. She’s always trying to look at him. Like just one look will make them closer and make everything better. As if there’s no distance between them.

Connor’s sure there will always be distance.

He eventually makes up some excuse that he’s feeling tired and goes to his room. If he had the option to stay in his room for the rest of his life and not interact with another person he would probably take it. Maybe he should go murder a bunch of people and get locked up in solitary confinement.

Except no he couldn’t do that. Connor’s a bad person in the sense that he makes his mom cry and doesn’t turn in his homework. He would never murder someone despite all the school shooter jokes.

School comes far too quickly and Connor’s already over it. Thinking about all the months ahead just makes his head hurt.

It’s ten minutes into his second class and he’s called down to the guidance office. He’s happy to get out of class for a bit, but unhappy about having to talk to another adult.

Connor doesn’t like adults. They judge him for wearing dark clothes and having long hair and painting his nails. At least his guidance counselor was cool sometimes.

“So I wanted to talk about your dad.”

Shocker.

“Well I mean he’s dead. Not much more to discuss.”

His guidance counselor, Mr. Doherty, smiles kind of sadly and pushes a tissue box toward Connor. Who refuses to touch it. “I know you weren’t very close with your father.”

“Oh, what gave it away?”

Mr. Doherty chuckles slightly, but doesn’t say anything.

Connor feels uncomfortable and looks down. “Sorry,” he mumbles.

“You’re fine,” Mr. Doherty says. He’s silent again like he’s waiting for Connor to say something else. “How have you been doing? This can’t be an easy thing for you to be going through.”

Connor shrugs. Mask on. Emotions off. “I’m fine,” he says because maybe he’s suppressed his feelings to the point where he believes it.

Mr. Doherty stares at him and Connor stares back because he’s sick of adults treating him like porcelain. It’s been like that for years now.

“You know I’m here if you ever need to talk about anything. My door is always open.”

“Thanks,” he says because it seems like the right thing to say. Connor knows there’s no chance he’s going to take him up on that offer.

Mr. Doherty waits another moment before pulling a paper from his desk drawer. “So I was talking to Zoe and she seemed pretty interested when I suggested a support group for teenagers who have lost a parent. I gave her this list of different groups. I know you’re probably going to tell me you’re not interested, but I wanted to pass it off anyway.”

Connor stares at the list and blinks a few times and quickly shoves it in his bag. No. No way. He is not going to sit in some depressing church basement and talk about why having a dead parent is sad.

“Can I go back to class?” Connor asks.

Mr. Doherty nods and hands him a hall pass. He reminds Connor that his door is always open and Connor practically runs out of the guidance department. He has no intention of going back to class so he ends up at the library.

His bag weighs heavier with the paper in it.

He goes to gym class because he’s already skipped the first few classes and he knows he has to go eventually.

Except last year Connor skipped nearly every gym class one semester, and then on the last day of school he went up to his gym teacher and apologized and gave some bullshit excuse that definitely included some mention of mental health.

He got off scot-free.

Connor is happily surprised to see Evan standing awkwardly in the locker room and less than happy to see Jared Kleinman standing next to him. Fuck.

“Hey, Connor,” Jared greets, his voice almost mocking. “Didn’t know you were in this class.”

“Yup,” Connor says, dropping his bag and crossing his arms. Evan looks uncomfortable.

To be fair, Evan always looks uncomfortable.

They walk outside to the field and Connor listens to Jared talk to Evan. It’s more like Jared talking at Evan. Jared talks and sometimes Evan replies, but Jared’s voice is the main thing Connor hears and it drives him a little mad.

“I can’t wait to be a counselor next year. I already talked to the camp director and I think they’re going to let me be in charge of the computer cluster. I’ll be sure to impress all the ladies,” Jared says, snapping his fingers and winking in Connor’s direction.

Connor scowls in response. He wished he could be with Evan alone.

“That’s cool,” Evan says to Jared.

“I’m hoping the bunk I’m assigned to is middle schoolers. I vibe with them well. They love my dick jokes.”

“I’m so confused because to me, I would think you’re the one who needs a counselor. Blows my freaking mind,” Connor says, his voice deadpan.

Evan laughs and slaps his hand over his mouth. He looks at Jared while Jared glares at Connor.

“Why are you wearing a hoodie? It’s 70 degrees outside,” Jared says in place of a comeback.

Connor feels himself shrink slightly at the question and he shrugs. Fuck fuck fuck. He doesn’t need Jared knowing that he cuts. He can see Evan flinch from beside him. “I don’t know. Sacrifice pain for fashion.” He’s looking at Evan.

“It’s a dark grey hoodie, Connor, I don’t know if it’s the most fashionable thing,” Evan says.

Jared laughs and Evan simultaneously looks unsure and also proud of himself.

“You wear the same four shirts and they’re all some variation of blue,” Connor says.

Evan’s smile fades a bit, but then he stops. He’s quick to catch it. “Wow that hurt, Connor,” Evan says, but he’s smiling again.

Jared launches into another story from camp where all the kids hid each other’s clothes or something, but Connor’s not really paying attention because he can only focus on two things: how close Jared was to finding out about his cuts and how nice it is to be in class and actually have people to talk to.

Connor and Evan walk to English together after gym and it’s quiet between them, but he’s already more at ease without Jared there. Connor knows it’s selfish to want Evan all to himself, but he’s used to being selfish. He’s spent his entire life being selfish.

“I’m happy you’re in my gym class. I think gym gives me the most, um. It makes me the most nervous. Because everyone has someone to talk to and Jared sometimes. Sometimes he’ll go talk to other people and. Yeah, I’m just glad. I’m glad I’ll have you to talk to,” Evan says. He’s staring down at the desk as he’s talking. Almost as if he’s afraid of Connor’s reaction.

Connor doodles on the desk. “Me too. I’ve been skipping because I don’t like being alone. I think we’ve established we both don’t have any friends.”

Evan looks up at him and smiles. “Besides each other.”

“Besides each other.”

“Hey, um,” Connor starts, nervously looking away from Evan. “Did you wanna, like, hang out after school or something? We could do homework or go somewhere or something.”

“Oh.”

Connor immediately backtracks. “If you don’t want-”

“No! No, no, I just,” Evan immediately says. He shoots out his hand and rests it on Connor’s arm. “I’m not used to people wanting to hang out. But yeah. Um. I would really love that.”

Connor looks at him again. “Okay,” he smiles.

“Okay.”

“Wanna meet at my locker at the end of the day? I can drive us, or wait. Did you drive to school today?”

“I, um, I don’t have a car.”

Connor blinks. They come from such different worlds. He used to be adamantly against the idea of getting his license and getting a car. His parents nearly had to beg, hands and knees, for Connor to agree to get his permit. Evan’s mom probably couldn’t afford to buy a second car.

Connor and Zoe both woke up on their 16th birthdays to find a brand new car waiting in the driveway.

“Oh. Okay. Cool, I can drive then. We can do homework at my house,” he suggests even though he really doesn’t want to go to his house and he really doesn’t want to do homework. But he wants to hang out with Evan. So.

The rest of the day goes by much faster and soon Connor is in his car with Evan. Driving home. Which.

His mom is home. And his home life is really messy right now. He wants to keep Evan away from it.

His home life has always been messy.

“Mom?” Connor calls out as he steps into the house with Evan trailing behind him. “I brought a friend over.”

His mom appears in the doorway. She’s smiling and she looks. Normal. Fine. Like. Like her husband didn’t just die.

“This is Evan,” Connor says, gesturing to Evan.

“Evan! It’s so great to meet you,” his mom says. Connor doesn’t think he’s seen her smile this much in a while. It feels fake. She looks happy, but she’s not. He knows she’s not.

“Hi, Mrs. Murphy,” Evan says politely.

”Alright, we’ll be in my room,” Connor says, itching to get Evan away from his mom.

“Do you guys need anything?” his mom tries.

“We’re good,” Connor says, tugging lightly on Evan’s sleeve.

Connor shuts his door and it’s like he can breathe again. He drops his bag on the floor and sits on his bed. Evan stands in the middle of the room, backpack on and hands fumbling with his shirt.

Connor eyes him. “You can sit.”

Evan’s eyes dart around the room and he slowly sits on the ground. He still has his backpack on.

Connor chuckles and moves to sit on the floor with Evan. “Do you want anything?”

Evan shakes his head and Connor stares at him. He wishes he knew what to say.

“Hey, do you know what you’re going to write about for your college essay?” Evan asks.

Connor shrugs. “Haven’t really thought about it. Never thought I’d make it this far.”

Evan mumbles something too quiet for Connor to hear and looks up again. “My therapist thinks I should write about my anxiety. But the thought of that makes me anxious.”

Connor smiles. “I don’t think I could write about my mental health without it turning into a 20 page essay. Maybe I could write about my dad. Get some sympathy points.”

Evan smiles and picks at his cast. Connor’s talking before he can think better of it.

“My guidance counselor tried to talk to me today about my feelings.”

Evan pulls a face. “Ouch.”

“Yeah, it was rough.” A pause. “He told me about a group. A support group thing for, like,” he lowers his voice, “kids who have lost a parent.”

“Oh. That’s, um, that sounds good.”

Connor shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Are you going to go?”

Connor sighs and picks at his carpet. “I don’t know. I’m not really used to talking about my feelings. Especially with strangers. I can barely do it with you.”

“You’re doing a pretty good job.”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you should go. Or at least think about going.” Evan’s looking at him.

Connor stares back. “You think?”

“Well, you’re not going to get anywhere with just keeping all this stuff to yourself. You’ll go insane.”

He’s already insane.

“You should go at least once. It can’t hurt. Maybe you’ll get something out of it.”

Evan slowly moves himself closer to Connor until they’re side by side. He looks hesitant, but then he bumps his leg against Connor’s and keeps it there. Connor feels like his skin is on fire. Every place that Evan’s touching is burning. He’s not used to this. He could get used to this.

“Maybe.”

“Think about it.”


	3. I Want Everything to Change and Stay the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor spends more time with Evan. And his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had massive writer's block for about 10 days rip. Also I'm thinking I'll try to do shorter chapters more regularly instead of huge chapters every few weeks. Good plan? Good plan.
> 
> I hope this is good??? And in character??? Also dw I will bring in Alana and Heidi soon!! And there will be more Evan and Jared.
> 
> Anywhoozles enjoy another chapter and stuff. Let me know what you think!!!!
> 
> Title from (Coffee's For Closers) by Fall Out Boy.

They eventually pull out their homework and start working side by side. Evan still has his leg pressed against Connor’s. Which is. Connor doesn’t really know what to do with that. The touch begins to feel less like burning and more comforting.

People don’t try to touch Connor. People avoid him.

There’s a knock on his door and Connor moves away from Evan as quickly as possible.

“Boys?” his mom calls through the closed door.

Connor pulls himself off the floor and opens the door to find his mom standing there looking more excited than she has in a long time.

“Yeah?” Connor asks.

“Do you guys need anything? Is everything good?”

“We’re doing homework, Mom,” Connor says, rolling his eyes. Leave it to his mom to act like he’s having his very first play date.

“Can I get you boys anything? Maybe some snacks?” She gives a hopeful smile. Like she woke up this morning with the sole intention to provide snacks for Connor and Evan.

Connor stares at her. “Snacks?”

She gives him a look. “Connor.”

“I’m, um, I’m okay, Mrs. Murphy. Thank you,” Evan says.

His mom keeps talking. She keeps offering food and stories and Evan looks terrified. Connor regrets bringing him to the house. At least Evan will never have to meet his dad.

“Mom,” Connor finally says, cutting Cynthia off. “You’re scaring him.”

“Oh, Connor, stop it,” his mom says.

Evan stays quiet, but his face is bright red.

“Evan, are you staying for dinner?” his mom asks.

“Oh, um, I hadn’t planned on it,” Evan says nervously.

“Well, we’d love to have you,” she insists.

“I should probably actually head home,” Evan says instead and Connor is almost relieved.

“I can drive you,” Connor offers, already grabbing his keys and wallet.

“We’d love to have you another night, Evan. I can cook something,” his mom tries.

“Um.” Evan stutters. “Yeah. Sure. That would be great.”

“Great. That’s great,” his mom says, clapping her hands together and Connor is tugging on Evan’s sleeve again. Again.

They’re in the car driving to Evan’s house and it’s only seven minutes, but Connor still turns on his music because a car ride without music is a car ride wasted. He plays Fall Out Boy. Because.

“Because I’m an emo piece of shit,” Connor says when the music starts playing.

“I like Fall Out Boy,” Evan nods in approval.

Connor smiles. “I knew I befriended you for a reason.” A pause. “Sorry my mom was really pushy. I never invite people over.”

“No, she’s, um. She’s really great.”

“I would say she’s not normally like that, but.”

“My mom’s like that too. It’s okay.” Evan pulls on the end of his shirt. “My mom really wants to meet you.”

Connor raises an eyebrow. “She does?”

“Is that weird? That’s so weird, I’m sorry.”

“Dude. Chill with the apologizing.”

“Do you even know who you’re talking to?” Evan says and Connor has to laugh at that. “My mom saw your name on my cast and asked about you. So I said we’re friends and she got really excited.”

“I thought my mom was going to, like, die of shock when I told her I made a friend.”

Connor gets to Evan’s house and drops off Evan and waits to see Evan unlock the door before backing up because his parents always told him that’s the polite thing to do. And apparently Connor is polite now.

He drives around to stall going home. He drives around town and plays music not too loudly, but still loud enough that he can feel it vibrate through the steering wheel.

He gets home after seven because he figures it’s late enough that his mom and Zoe already ate dinner. He’s just trying to avoid his family as much as possible.

Connor steps into the house and sees his mom and Zoe sitting on the couch watching Friends. That is. Just.

He can’t even pretend he’s the favorite child. He knows he’s not. He never has been. It was obvious his dad preferred Zoe. And Connor figures he drove his mom to hate him years ago.

He used to wish he could be close with his family again, but that dream died years ago.

His mom looks at him and smiles. Zoe doesn’t glance up.

“Hi, honey. Did Evan get home okay? He’s such a nice young man. You’ve got yourself a good friend. Why were you out so long?”

“He’s good,” Connor mumbles, hands twirling around his keys. “Just driving around.”

His mom stares at him like she’s trying to figure out. Like she’s trying to decode the truth. Which is frustrating. Because he genuinely was just driving around their stupid town, but it’s not like she has any reason to believe him.

She pauses the TV. Zoe doesn’t look up.

“I wanted to mention something to you guys,” Cynthia begins.

Connor glances at Zoe who is now looking at their mother.

“I was doing some research and you won’t believe what I found. A summer camp. For kids who have had a parent pass away. I thought it would be beneficial for you two. You guys could get to know other kids who have struggled with this,” his mom is looking too excited. She keeps looking from Connor to Zoe.

“Mom, we’re too old for camp,” Zoe says softly.

“No, I know, but they have programs for older teens. You guys could also be counselors.”

Zoe laughs. “Connor as a camp counselor? Okay.”

Connor doesn’t disagree because he would probably be a terrible counselor and make the kids cry, but wow fuck you too Zoe.

His mom looks desperate. “Think about it guys?”

“What the fuck kind of camp is this anyway?” Connor asks because now he’s kind of angry, but he’s not too sure why. Is he even angry? He’s just. Upset. Pissed off. He’s been upset with the world lately. “Dead parent camp? Do we sit around a campfire and talk about having a dead parent? Wow, my dad is so dead. He got super hit by a car. Good times.”

“Connor,” Zoe says. She sounds angry.

“Do we compare stories? My dad got hit by a car, but maybe someone else’s dad had cancer. Maybe someone’s mom jumped off a building. Do you think we’ll meet anyone who had a parent die in 9/11? That’s a personal dream of mine,” he crosses his arms. His voice is steady and he feels his heart racing. He knows he’s being an asshole and saying asshole things, but like. Fuck. Cross the line as far as you can.

His mom is looking at her lap and fiddling with her wedding ring. It’s been a month and she’s still wearing her wedding ring.

“I just thought it seemed like a nice idea,” his mom says. She’s not looking at either of them now. Her voice is quiet.

Zoe is glaring at Connor and Connor’s glaring back at her. He wants to cry and also kill himself, but his dad died first. Leave it to his dad to steal his thunder.

He should have died instead.

He musters up as much teenage angst as he can to sigh as loud as possible and stomps up the stairs to his room. For a moment he’s happy the floors are hardwood because it makes him louder and maybe he can feel less angry if he’s loud about it.

His dad was loud. Loud loud loud. Loud enough to get kicked out of hotels.

Connor slams the door and clicks the lock and stands in the middle of his room alone. He screams because he wants to. Because his family is a mess. Because his life is a mess. Because everything is fucked up, but it’s been fucked up for years.

Connor sits on his bed and presses his head into his pillow and screams again. He knows Zoe and his mom can hear him. He knows they won’t mention it.

They just want to ignore what’s happening. Maybe they don’t even care. Connor’s convinced that they don’t care.

The novelty of being back at school wears off quickly and the days melt into each other all too well.

It’s spirit week at school and Connor couldn’t give less of a shit. The grades all compete to see who has the most school spirit, but it’s pointless anyway because the seniors win every year. The one saving grace about the yearly mandatory pep rally is that half the classes for the day are cancelled.

“You going to the pep rally?” Connor asks Evan. They’re standing at Evan’s locker while Evan grabs his books.

Evan shakes his head. “The crowds are too much and it’s too loud. The nurse always lets me sit in her office.”

“Wow that sounds fun.”

“Rather that than a stupid pep rally.”

“I usually just hide out in one of the stairwells. No one checks there. Everyone’s fucking outside.” Evan closes his locker and looks at him. “Hang out with me in the stairwell.”

Evan looks panicked. “What if they know we’re missing?”

Connor rolls his eyes. “No one will know.”

“But how do you know?”

“Dude, no one will know. And no one will care either.”

Evan anxiously looks at his feet and shrugs before nodding. Connor smiles. He doesn’t know when his life turned into a period of waiting for the next time he’ll hang out with Evan, but somehow it has. He can’t find himself to be upset about it.

“Meet you here after fifth block?” Connor asks.

Evan nods. He’s wringing his hands together and Connor wants to reach out and pull them apart.

Connor generally doesn’t have much that he looks forward to. Sometimes he daydreams about going home after school and lying in bed. It gets him through his classes.

Today Connor is excited, stupidly excited, to sit in a stupid stairwell with Evan to avoid the stupid pep rally.

Classes go by slowly, as they always do, and Connor finds himself speed walking to Evan’s locker. He sees Evan and almost gets excited, but. Evan’s talking to. Zoe. And. What. The fuck.

Connor barely catches the end of their conversation. “Just be careful, okay?” Zoe says before shutting up and looking at Connor.

“What do you want, Zoe?” Connor crosses his arms.

She shrugs. “Just talking to Evan.”

Connor glances to Evan who’s staring at the ground. “Is she bothering you?”

Evan looks up and shakes his head. He looks worried. “No, no, um. We were just. Talking.”

They were probably talking about him and Connor hates that. He hates that. Fuck that.

Connor looks at her. “You can leave.”

She rolls her eyes. “Whatever,” she mutters before going off in the opposite direction.

The hallway is emptying out and Evan won’t meet his eyes.

“Follow me. I know the best stairwell to hide in.”

Evan looks anxious.

“And chill out because I’ve smoked in this stairwell a hundred times. Never been caught.”

It smells like weed the second they step into the stairwell, but it’s empty. And quiet. Thank god. Connor pulls out his water bottle.

“Jared said all the druggy kids hang out here.”

Connor takes a sip and chuckles. “I mean, I just told you I smoke here all the time so he’s not wrong.”

“And now I’m hanging out here.”

“Yup.”

“So I’m a druggy kid now too?”

Connor looks at Evan who has a tiny grass stain on his khakis and is fumbling with his polo shirt. He laughs.

“You’re the farthest thing I’ve seen from a druggy kid.”

Evan smiles and they sit on the stairs. Close enough to touch, but they don’t.

“Um. Your water.”

“Oh, sorry, you want some?”

“No, no, I was just. Um. It’s not like,” Evan lowers his voice. “Like. Alcohol? Or anything? Because I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Connor can’t help but laugh, throwing his head back and clapping his hands together a couple times. “Oh my god. No. Sorry. It’s just water. Sorry, that’s so fucking funny.” He passes it to Evan who tentatively takes a sip. “I’m not fucking stupid enough to do that. I’ve been high at school, but never drunk. I can’t control myself as well when I’m drunk.”

“Yeah.”

“You hear about kids doing that though. Maybe the day I finally end it I’ll do that. Get drunk at school and then shoot myself in the mouth.”

Evan doesn’t even look fazed. He usually looks worried when Connor says questionable things. This time he just smiles slightly.

“What do you want to major in? In college?” Evan asks.

Connor blinks. “That’s an abrupt change of subject.”

“My mom asked me last night so it’s been on my mind.”

“I have no fucking clue. Can’t even see myself making it to graduation, let alone college.”

“I mean, me too, but I couldn’t say that to my mom.”

“So what did you tell her?”

“Environmental science. I think I would major in that. I like trees and stuff.”

Connor nods. “I’ve never given it much thought before. Again, the whole wanting to die thing kind of makes you not think about the future much.”

“That’s true.”

“Hey, um,” Connor stumbles. “What did Zoe say earlier? Why was she talking to you?”

“Oh,” Evan says, looking away from Connor.

“You can tell me. I won’t get upset and start breaking things. I just want to know. What, did she say I’m dangerous or something?” He hopes his voice doesn’t have an edge to it. He’s trying to stay calm.

“Well,” Evan shrugs. He finally looks at Connor. “She was asking if you were using me for homework or something. I said that we’re friends and she didn’t buy it.” He looks nervous. Scared. Connor hopes Evan isn’t afraid of him.

“I think I’ve turned in about three pieces of homework in the past two years.”

“Are you kidding? I forgot my math homework at home once and started crying and then realized I didn’t even have math that day.”

“Oh my god, Evan.”

“I’m kind of a mess. In case you haven’t noticed.”

“It’s okay my life is a mess. If Zoe not believing I’m capable of having a friend is anything to go by.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s literally not your fault so don’t apologize.” Connor looks away and tugs on his sleeves. “I can’t believe she did that though. She’s such a psychopath.”

Evan smiles slightly.

Connor looks at him and tries to keep his voice steady. “What?”

“No, it’s just. She said the same thing about you,” Evan says, looking slightly unsure.

“What the fuck ever.” Connor swallows and rolls his eyes. “We’re not that close. In case you haven’t noticed.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Dude.”

“I’m not close with my siblings either. I mean, they’re my half-siblings I guess. I met them once when they were really young, but the oldest, Nathan, is already ten. And Ava is eight. I think. I don’t talk to that side of the family much.”

“Siblings are overrated anyway,” Connor shrugs.

“Guess I wouldn’t know.”

Connor frowns at the other boy and hooks his ankle over Evan’s.

“Zoe and I used to be close. When we were younger. We’d play together and have sleepovers in each other’s rooms. But now,” he pauses, scratching his hands. Scratching his wrists. Evan places a hand on his wrist, but Connor refuses to meet his eye. “I can’t remember how it feels to not hate her.”

“Sometimes I hate my dad. A lot. He wasn’t happy with us so he just up and left to Colorado. Restarted his life. Left my mom and I in the dust,” Evan says, lightly rubbing the back of Connor’s wrist.

“I used to wish my dad would leave. I thought my mom would be happier if he left, but now I’m not so sure. It’s like everything I thought I knew has suddenly been flipped.”

“I think it’s about time we run away to Australia.”

Connor laughs and subtly pulls his wrist back from the other boy. Evan was getting close to his scars and Connor doesn’t want to show that part of himself. It’s different from knowing about the scars than actually seeing them. He wonders what Evan’s scars look like.

“I ran away once when I was 14. Kind of. I hid in the shed, but my parents didn’t know I was in there so it counts.”

Evan laughs at him. “That doesn’t count.”

“It does count!”

“No, you were still on your property. Doesn’t count.”

“My parents didn’t know. And then my mom cried and hugged me when I went back inside. And my dad grounded me for running away. Does count.”

Evan keeps smiling at him and then shakes his head slightly.

“What?”

“No, it’s just,” Evan stops. “I don’t know. You always seemed kind of intimidating. But actually you’re the guy who sits in your garden shed for a few hours and claims you ran away.”

Connor rolls his eyes, but smiles so Evan knows he’s not actually annoyed. “Guess I’m too cowardly to run away,” he says. It’s true.

Sometimes he’s aimlessly driving around their stupid town and he realizes that he could just. Leave. Drive away. Run away. Get out. But he doesn’t.

Because he would need to pack some stuff. Like a few shirts and his favorite hoodie. And his laptop and phone. Except once his parents realized he was gone they would try to track him through his phone. Could they track him through his laptop? Or his car? He has a few hundred dollars on his debit card, but he knows that wouldn’t sustain him for long. He also has a credit card. That his parents pay for. And that can definitely be traced. So he’s stuck for now.

Connor thinks about those setbacks a lot. He thinks of them as excuses. He knows that if he really wanted to leave then he could. It’s the fear that’s holding him back.

They sit there for a while longer. Until the bell rings signaling the end of the day and they can hear all the students coming in from outside. They make their way to the senior parking lot and stop in front of Connor’s car.

“You need a ride?” Connor asks.

Evan looks unsure. “I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

Connor blinks. “You literally live two miles from me.”

“It’s out of the way.”

“Barely.”

“Connor.”

“Get in the car, Evan.”

Evan looks reluctant, but gets in the car anyway.

“You know, we could make this a regular thing.” Connor drums his fingers against the steering wheel. “Like. I could drive you to and from school. If you wanted.”

“Really?”

“Dude, taking the bus sucks. I can just drive you. No big deal.”

“You don’t, um, you don’t have to.”

“Shut up, I want to.”

The rest of the drive is quiet and Connor tells Evan he’ll text him later. Evan looks hopeful.

Connor gets home after Zoe and finds her and their mom in the kitchen. With three cardboard boxes. His mom’s making tea and Zoe looks anxious.

Connor doesn’t say anything. He just stands there waiting for his mom to notice him and say something. She used to call him her little chatterbox. Connor almost never stopped talking when he was younger. Now he’s quiet. Speak when spoken to.

His mom’s eyes light up slightly when she sees him. “Connor!”

He nods at her.

“I’m glad you’re both here. I stopped by Dad’s firm today and picked up some stuff from his office they packed up. I thought we could go through it as a family.” She eyes them. “No fighting.”

Connor stares at her and then goes to sit down next to Zoe.

It’s weird. He doesn’t really want to be doing this. He doesn’t care. He keeps telling himself that.

He used to visit his dad’s work a lot. He remembers being there during school vacation and visiting with his mom. He hasn’t been in years. Maybe since he was 12 or 13.

The boxes had a lot of useless crap. Books and papers and old shirts and some snacks. His dad’s law school degree was framed and sitting in the box. Because apparently people in real life actually framed their degrees.

Maybe Connor will burn his high school degree when he gets it. Have a bonfire.

If he gets it.

There were pictures in the boxes too. A framed one of his parents from when they were younger. They look. Really young. Connor glances at his mom. She looks so much older. So much more tired.

Zoe looks really tired too. She looks exhausted.

There’s a picture of their family from when they went to Disney World for the first time. Connor, five. Zoe, four. Matching Mickey Mouse ears with their names sewn into their respective hats.

Connor almost laughs because they look like the poster family for a family trip to Disney. They look like they belong on a postcard.

There’s a picture of Zoe and their mom. It was clearly a selfie Zoe took of the two of them, but their dad liked it enough to print out and frame and keep on his desk at work.

Connor wants to be hurt that his dad had less pictures of him, but he reminds himself that he didn’t want his dad to have pictures of him. He didn’t want to have pictures of his dad.

He doesn’t have pictures of his dad.

He scrolls through his camera roll of over a thousand pictures and finds a selfie he took with his dad last year.

It was a good day. They had good days sometimes.

Connor doesn’t remember what led to him taking a selfie with his dad, but he remembers sitting smiling, genuinely smiling, and snapping the picture. He remembers looking at it and feeling surprised, and slightly annoyed, at how similar he looks to his dad.

He’s glad he has that picture. It’s the only one he has.

“Do you guys remember when we used to go apple picking?” his mom is suddenly asking.

“All families go apple picking,” Connor says because he apparently can’t quit being a dick for two minutes.

Zoe glares at him. “I remember, Mom.”

“The Autumn Smile Apple Orchard. Do you guys remember the picnics? Remember how you two used to hunt for four leaf clovers?” his mom is smiling. Connor wants to cry.

Zoe smiles. “Remember when Dad flew the toy plane into the creek?”

“He said it was an emergency landing,” Connor mumbles, trying not to smile. He hasn’t thought about these memories in years. “And then he took us to the toy store and bought us a new plane.”

His mom reaches out and pats Connor’s shoulder. He tries not to flinch, but he can’t relax under her touch either.

“I know! We should go apple picking this weekend. The three of us,” his mom says and she looks so hopeful that Connor can’t find it in him to shoot her down.

“That sounds great, Mom,” Zoe says. She looks at Connor.

“That’d be good,” he nods.

“Autumn Smile has been closed for years now, but I know there are a few other orchards in the area,” his mom says.

“It shut down?” Connor asks. It almost makes sense that one of his favorite places from childhood shut down. It’s so symbolic of his life that he almost wants to laugh.

His mom nods a little sadly and moves to unpack more of the boxes. It’s weird. Zoe keeps asking if she can hold onto what they find. Like the memory of their dad is preserved in the receipt for a coffee he bought three months ago.

Connor decides he’s had enough. “I’m going upstairs.”

“We still have more stuff here, Connor,” his mom says.

“You can go through it without me,” he shrugs.

He tries not to assign meaning to the things he finds. Last week he went through his dad’s backpack and found a map of New York City. The same map from when he took Connor into the city for the day when Connor was 13.

At first something sparked inside of Connor. His dad must have treasured the memory of that day. He kept the map in his backpack as a memory. But that’s probably not true. His dad probably just forgot to clean out his backpack. It was probably meaningless. Connor was probably looking too far into it. Looking for answers.

Probably.

He doesn’t care what crap his dad kept at work. He doesn’t care. None of that stuff will give him the answers he needs. The closure he needs. He doesn’t know what answers he’s searching for, but he knows he needs something.

Connor also knows that he’ll probably go the rest of his life without getting any answers.


	4. I'm the Kind of Kid That Can't Let Anything Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor continues to be an angsty mess, but what is new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it’s me that girl who updates her fic once a month yikes sorry about that. I promise that I do want to update more often!! I can also promise that I literally think about this fic like. Every moment of my life. I’m always thinking about what to write for it. Anyway enjoy this kinda short chapter and I’m gonna do my best to have another one soon. Also sorry if it's not super great or in character, but I hope it is!!
> 
> Again, comments and kudos fuel me. I literally love every single comment sooo :)
> 
> Enjoy!!!!
> 
> Title is from My Heart is the Worst Kind of Weapon by Fall Out Boy.

_pls tell me why my family is the most stereotypical suburban family you will ever meet_

_we’re literally going apple picking tmrw. like. what the fuck_

_Apple picking is fun!!_

_evan_

_i would literally rather die than go apple picking with my family_

_I mean, wouldn’t you rather die than do most things?_

_fair point_

They’re in the car on the way to the orchard. It’s hot out and his mom makes a passing remark about his long sleeves. He freezes and she doesn’t piece anything together. Clueless.

Zoe looks at him. She doesn’t look at him a lot, but she stares at him and he stares back.

Fuck off.

He would actually tell her to fuck off, but they’re just pulling into the parking lot and their mom is set on having a good day.

Connor feels out of place. His mom and Zoe wear light clothes. He walks behind them and drags his feet against the ground. He couldn’t feel more out of place if his tried. He’s like a literal shadow in his dark clothes. Or a storm cloud.

He can easily imagine his dad there. Holding his mom’s hand. Reaching to pick an apple that was too tall for Zoe.

He could easily fulfill that role because he’s already six feet tall and towers over the rest of his family.

But Zoe seems to know better and she sticks to the apples at her height. She barely glances up.

“Do you guys want to go on the hayride?” their mom is asking.

Connor glances at Zoe. “Mom, it’s for kids.”

“Come on, I saw some teenagers going on earlier. Go, it’ll be fun,” their mom is insisting.

Zoe shrugs and walks off to the hayride. Connor follows her.

They don’t talk for a few minutes. Connor stares at the ground and Zoe won’t stop bouncing her leg. Evan does the same thing when he’s feeling anxious.

“Can you believe it’s been a month?” Zoe asks. She’s not looking at him.

He shrugs. “No.”

“Their anniversary is soon.”

“What?”

“Their wedding anniversary. They got married on October 2nd.”

“Okay?”

“Forget it,” Zoe mumbles.

“No, what?” Connor’s looking at her now.

She almost looks embarrassed. “I thought we could do something. You know. It would be nice.”

“We could take her apple picking.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “God, Connor.”

“Sorry,” he smiles at himself.

“I want to do something nice for her,” Zoe says quietly. She looks. Sad.

He feels bad for her. He’s already fucked up her life so much. She deserves more than what she has. He doesn’t know how to fix things. He doesn’t know if he wants to. Or if she wants to.

It’s probably too late.

“We’ll think of something,” he mumbles.

She nods and looks away again. She keeps bouncing her leg. “So,” she begins. “You’re friends with Evan Hansen now?”

“Yup.”

“He’s, like, the complete opposite of you.”

Connor looks at her. “What does that mean?”

She shrugs and moves away slightly. “I don’t know. He looks like the kind of kid who’s too scared to ask for the bathroom pass. You’re the kind of kid who just does whatever he wants.”

His dad used to call him out on his bullshit. But then he kind of stopped. Connor thought it was because he stopped caring, but now his brain is fuzzy and he doesn’t know what to think.

Zoe’s become the only person in his life who will call him out. He wants to be mad, but it’s true. “Whatever.”

“You’re not, like, bullying him or anything. Right?”

“I mean, I was going to steal his lunch money.”

“Whatever, Connor,” she sighs, turning to her phone and moving more away from him.

Whatever.

_apple picking sucks. what a shocking concept_

_:( I love apple picking._

_yeah bc youre a nerd who likes trees and shit_

_can i come over later if i promise to bring apples_

_Yes._

They spend another half hour at the orchard, but Connor and Zoe don’t talk. It’s not very different from how they normally behave. Connor can tell their mom is just grateful they’re not fighting.

When they get home Connor immediately grabs his keys, some apples, and heads to his car. His mumbles something to his mom about going out and closes the door before she can respond.

He doesn’t even buckle his seatbelt or plug in his phone until he’s down the street. He just needs to get away from his house, away from his family, as quickly as possible. As soon as the house is out of sight Connor pulls over and puts on his seatbelt.

Grudgingly.

Not that he’s against seatbelts and safety. He knows safety is important. But he’s also suicidal. Maybe. He thinks. He’s not sure. And safety shouldn’t matter when you’re suicidal.

Maybe if he’s lucky he’ll get into a fatal accident or his car will suddenly explode.

His dad was lucky enough to be in a car accident.

“God, shut the fuck up,” he says. To himself.

He’s the kind of kid who tells himself to shut up.

He’s always angry at himself. Once he stubbed his toe and told himself to fuck off.

“What kind of apples are these?” Evan’s asks.

Connor shrugs and taps his fingers against the table anxiously. Evan came outside the second Connor had pulled into the driveway and was far too excited about some stupid apples.

“Don’t fucking know,” Connor mumbles quietly.

“We should bake some pies.”

“What?”

“Apple pie. Or something.”

“You bake?”

“Sometimes. My mom calls it stress baking.”

“I like to get baked, but that’s not the same.”

Evan stares at him and smiles a little bit. “Not really.”

“Apple pie sounds good. If you wanna. Like. Bake or something,” Connor says.

Evan perks up at this and immediately jumps up and starts pulling pots and pans from the cupboards. “Okay! I have my favorite recipe in one of these drawers. It was my grandma’s recipe and I used to bake it with my grandpa every time I went over.”

“That’s nice,” Connor smiles at him and moves to stand next to Evan.

Evan directs them through the baking. It turns into a mess, but they have fun. Evan laughs when Connor spills flour on the floor and Connor laughs when Evan gets eggshell in the mix.

It’s easy. And messy. Connor feels. Light.

He never feels like this at home.

“This is really, really fun,” Connor says once they put the pie in the oven.

Evan looks over and smiles at him. “I usually do this alone. It’s nice to have someone help me out.”

“Is that all I am to you? A baking partner?”

“Yeah, totally,” Evan says. And then he stops and moves closer to Connor.

He does that a lot. Connor stands still and Evan inches closer to him. And Connor usually moves back. Keeps the distance between them.

This time he doesn’t back away.

“More than a baking partner. Probably my best friend,” Evan mumbles. He’s staring at the ground. He looks embarrassed.

“I mean, you’re my best friend too. Kinda by default since I don’t have any other friends.”

“I guess I have you and Jared. And you are definitely my best friend.”

Connor laughs nervously. “Well, if I’m up against Jared I don’t feel like there’s much competition.”

“There isn’t. No competition.”

Connor doesn’t respond and Evan takes a step closer to him. Evan bites his lip and he looks like he’s about to say something, but the front door opens before he can speak.

A woman, who Connor assumes is Evan’s mom, starts speaking from a couple rooms over. “Hi, honey! Did you eat yet? I brought pizza.”

Evan moves away from Connor. “That’s my mom,” Evan says quietly. He’s blushing. “Mom, I have a friend over,” he calls back.

A pause and then Evan’s mom appears in the doorway of the kitchen, pizza box in hand. She looks far too young to have a 17-year-old son. “Oh! Hi! You must be Connor. I’m Heidi. Evan’s mom,” she smiles. “Oh, it’s so wonderful to meet you. I was hoping I’d get to meet the friend who signed Evan’s cast.”

“Oh my god, Mom,” Evan mumbles. He looks mortified and Connor wants to laugh.

“Nice to meet you too,” Connor smiles at her politely. He hopes she isn’t judging him.

“Were you guys baking? It smells like my mother’s kitchen in here. Not that I’m complaining,” she says, throwing her jacket on one of the chairs.

Connor looks at Evan and Evan looks at Connor. He has no idea how to behave in front of a friend’s parent. Evan looks pretty clueless too. And embarrassed.

“Connor brought over apples so we made a pie,” Evan says. He’s picking at his cast.

“Honey, stop that,” Heidi says, resting a hand on Evan’s.

Evan flinches under her touch, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Connor, would you like to stay for dinner?” Heidi asks.

“Um,” Connor glances at Evan who shrugs. He looks hopeful, but like he’s trying to hide it. And Connor doesn’t want to go home. “Yeah, that’d be great,” he smiles.

“Well great,” she claps her hands together and opens the fridge. “Evan, sweetie, can you get some paper plates for us? Connor, would you like anything to drink? We have water, soda, maybe orange juice?”

“Um, water’s fine,” Connor nods, sitting next to Evan at the table. He follows Evan’s movements and grabs a slice of pizza.

Heidi joins them a moment later and it’s nice. Connor’s spent the better part of the last five years avoiding family dinners, but he doesn’t mind this. He doesn’t mind Evan’s family.

Connor can’t remember the last time he ate off a paper plate. Maybe some family barbeque years ago. His mom is all about keeping up appearances. Even when the people she’s trying to fool are sitting right in front of her.

Paper plates are not part of the image she created years ago.

Connor doesn’t know who she’s trying to fool anymore.

Connor, who leaves his room twice a day. Zoe, who cries and cries and cries behind her locked door. Larry, who wouldn’t come home from work until after eight.

Cynthia, who goes grocery shopping and window shopping and laughs with her mom friends at book club and goes on walks with the neighbors and cooks dinner for her family. And talks and talks and talks to her family like nothing’s wrong. Like she’s putting up a front, but Connor doesn’t know what she’s trying to hide because they’re all aware of the mess.

But they ignore it. Zoe smiles and talks about school and jazz band and pretends she’s happy. His dad would talk about interesting cases at work. His mom laughs and talks and smiles.

Connor feels like he’s watching from the other side of a glass wall. Like one of those one-way mirrors where he can see them, but they can’t see him.

It’s like they pretend he’s not there and they only see him when he screams.

“How are you enjoying senior year, Connor?” Heidi asks.

Connor’s head shoots up and he smiles at her and tries to make it seem like he’s been paying attention to the conversation. “Good. It’s good. I’m having fun,” he says.

He’s lying. Obviously. Lying is second nature at this point. He’s having a terrible time. He’s always having a terrible time. Is it terrible if his life is always terrible? Does the terrible cancel out? Terrible has become his new normal. He also feels pretty numb.

The terrible cancels out into nothing. He feels. Nothing.

He wonders briefly if Evan told her about his dad. Probably. Maybe.

“Oh, that’s good. I know Evan is looking forward to graduation,” Heidi says. She drinks soda and it’s weird because Connor vaguely thinks about how his mom refuses to drink soda. Like even looking at a can of Coke will take ten years off her life.

Heidi continues talking. She talks a lot. Connor gets the feeling that’s how things always are at Evan’s house. It’s like she’s talking to make up for Evan’s silence.

Connor can’t stop wondering if she knows. If she knows if she knows if she-

“And Evan worked at Ellison State Park over the summer. It was such a great job until he fell out of that tree,” Heidi says. Talking talking talking.

Evan stiffens up at the tree comment, but Heidi doesn’t seem to notice. She just keeps. Talking.

“Thank god I work over at the hospital. It was quite the shock to be paged to the emergency room and see my son sitting there with a broken arm.”

Connor hooks his ankle around Evan’s and nods as Heidi talks. Evan shoots him a questioning glance, but Connor stares straight ahead.

He doesn’t know what he would do if Evan questioned him later. He knows he touches Evan a lot and maybe it’s weird, but Connor also thinks Evan might need it. He knows he needs it himself.

He’s the definition of touch starved.

“You should have seen him as a little boy, Connor. Always outside exploring. I should have known he’d grow up to love nature.”

Evan balls up his napkin in his fist. “We’re reading Fahrenheit 451 in English right now.” Connor and Heidi look at him. Evan’s staring at his napkin. “It’s a good book.”

“I read that in high school,” Heidi says, nodding. She seems just as oblivious as Cynthia, but Connor still likes her. She reminds him of himself.

Evan looks nervous, but Connor doesn’t say anything. He also doesn’t mention how he read the book years ago. He learned years ago not to talk about himself. Because no one asks and no one cares and-

“I honestly don’t remember much. Forgive me, it was 20 years ago.” She laughs. “I must really be dating myself.”

The rest of dinner is fine. Evan’s quiet. Heidi talks. Connor listens to her stories. He enjoys their company.

If Connor were a different person he would feel like he was cheating on his own family with Evan’s. But Connor is Connor and he ignores those thoughts. Pushes them away.

Pushes his family away.

Heidi leaves right after dinner for some study group and Connor notices how Evan looks annoyed. He tries to bring it up, but Evan is Evan and he pretends he’s fine.

They taste their pie and it’s good, but Evan says it’s not as good as he remembers.

“I don’t know. Maybe we’re missing something. My grandma is really good at baking,” Evan shrugs.

“It’s good,” Connor insists.

They watch a couple episodes of Parks and Rec and it feels normal. Disturbingly normal. He’s never been normal. He can’t stop fidgeting because he doesn’t know how to sit on a couch with a friend and watch Netflix.

His mom would probably cry with happiness if she knew he and Evan were hanging out this much. He can’t believe he set the bar so low that watching Netflix with a friend would be considered a miracle in his mom’s eyes.

But of course he won’t tell his mom because she probably won’t ask.

He leaves after a while and goes home to a dark house. His parents used to leave the lights on for him when he stayed out late. But that was years ago. And no one cares no one cares no one cares no one-

“I thought I heard you come in.”

Connor glances up and blinks slowly at his mom who is standing in the doorway. She smiles at him like she’s happy to see him.

He used to wish his dad would die and then he got hit by a car.

Despite the guilt, Connor sometimes wishes his mom would die. She’s smiling and telling him she loves him and he wishes she would die.

He wishes Zoe would die.

He wishes he could have the courage to kill himself.

Sometimes he doesn’t even have the courage to cut himself deep enough to draw blood. Sometimes he ends up with pathetic red lines on his arms that fade after a few hours.

“I was at Evan’s,” Connor says even though volunteering information about himself goes against everything he’s built up in the past few years.

His mom’s eyes brighten. “Oh! I hope you two had fun. Tell Evan he’s welcome here anytime.”

“Yeah,” Connor mumbles. He doesn’t meet her eyes. He actively tries to make himself appear as distant as possible.

His mom stands there for another minute and watches Connor scroll through his phone. Sometimes he imagines an alternate universe where his family could actually talk to each other.

There’s probably a better chance of his dad coming back from the dead than Connor voluntarily opening up to his family.

He’s fine with that. He’s content with his choices.

At the very least he’s convinced himself he’s fine with it.


	5. I'd Rather Go to Hell Than Be in Purgatory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor opens up to Evan a little bit and Jared is kind of a dick and Alana has good intentions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 21,000 words later and Alana Beck finally makes an appearance. Also a couple of Connor’s rehab stories are real life things that happened when my irl friends were in inpatient. ~Fun facts~
> 
> Don't forget to like comment subscribe!!1!1!! (no but for real I love any and all feedback)
> 
> Also happy valentines day!!
> 
> Title is from Na Na Na by My Chemical Romance.

They don’t touch Larry’s Netflix profile.

Connor doesn’t know why it bothers him. But it does. Every time he signs into Netflix he sees his dad’s profile still sitting there. Almost mocking. He thinks about deleting it, but Zoe would probably throw a tantrum. It’s not like anyone will be using it anyway.

Connor also knows that the day someone does delete his dad’s profile, he’ll probably throw a tantrum of his own. He knows his line of thought doesn’t make sense. But.

There’s no way he’s dead. There’s no fucking way. This kind of thing just doesn’t fucking happen. At least not to Connor. He’s already had his fair share of unfair bullshit.

A perfect cherry on top of the disaster sundae that is his life. Perfect.

Other people have dead parents, but not him. Not Connor.

He wonders briefly who will walk Zoe down the aisle. Not that it matters to him. She probably won’t invite him to her wedding. He probably won’t even be alive to see it.

School is shitty enough as is, but it’s a hundred times worse when Alana Beck comes up to him in the hallway and tries talking to him. The number of people trying to talk to Connor about his dead dad has decreased significantly. Apparently Alana Beck didn’t get the memo.

Alana tells him that her grandmother died over the summer and it was difficult and sad and tragic and she is there for him if he ever needs to talk. He’s not sure why, but it makes him mad.

People just need to leave him the fuck alone.

It’s not even like he’s friends with Alana. He’s done a bunch of projects with her over the years, but it’s not like they formed a bond just because they were lab partners two years ago.

He checks Alana’s Facebook later. They’re friends because she’s friends with everyone, and Connor’s eyes nearly pop out of his head when he sees she has nearly two thousand Facebook friends. Which. Like. How the fuck.

But Connor scrolls through her Facebook and she has a lot of posts about her grandma. About how hard this has been on her and her family. She’s really eating up this tragedy. Milking it for all it’s worth.

Connor thinks back to his freshman year of high school when his mental health completely deteriorated. It was about a month from summer when a senior killed himself. Hung himself in his bedroom. It was all anyone talked about for a couple weeks.

Connor wonders what would happen if he killed himself. Would Alana and other people who barely know him make tragic posts on social media about it? No one would care. People probably wouldn’t give a shit. They’d probably forget about him quickly.

It’s sad, but Connor thinks he wants that. He doesn’t want to be remembered. He isn’t special and hasn’t done anything of importance. What would people remember him for? Skipping class? Throwing a printer in second grade? Getting high in the school parking lot?

He wants to slip away. He doesn’t want to be here. He’s never wanted to be here. He just wants to quietly bow out and. Just. Stop.

Being.

Existing.

Living.

Breathing.

Stop.

He used to want that. Used to. But now he’s friends with Evan and he laughs more than he used to and sometimes his heart races when Evan smiles and Evan’s warm. Maybe it’s worth living to hang onto those feelings.

“How well do you know Alana Beck?” Connor asks. It’s gym class and he and Evan are walking the track. Jared’s off talking to other people.

Evan shrugs. “Not super well.”

“Apparently her grandmother died over the summer. She tried talking to me about it.”

“Oh yeah, she told me that.”

Connor scratches his arm. “I know that my pain doesn’t take away from hers. I know that. I know that.”

Evan reaches out, touches Connor’s arm briefly, and pulls his hand back.

“I know that.”

“But,” Evan says.

“But.”

“You still feel like deserve to be more upset than her. You feel like she hasn’t earned her pain.”

“Yeah, like, I wonder if she’s ever come close to ending her life. Probably not. But I know what that’s like. I’ve earned that pain.”

“You talk about pain like it’s a reward. Like it’s a badge you wear proudly.”

“A medal of honor.”

Evan smiles and twirls his shirt in his hand.

“If there was one thing I learned in rehab, it’s that my pain doesn’t lessen someone else’s pain.”

Evan stops walking. “Wait, you were in rehab?”

Connor kind of sighs and shrugs. “Yeah, like, kind of. You shocked?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I heard rumors that you were in rehab or prison or something.”

Connor chuckles. “Wow and after all those rumors you still want to hang out with me. You sure this isn’t some charity case or whatever?”

“Yeah, an extracurricular for my college applications. Hung out with Connor Murphy. Baked a pie.”

Connor laughs and bumps his shoulder with Evan’s and Evan smiles at him timidly before looking away again. He bumps his shoulder back against Connor’s because apparently that’s how they communicate now.

“What’s rehab like?”

“Oh. Um. Honestly, I don’t even remember it that well. It was kind of a blur. My parents found my stash and then dragged me to some 72 hour program or whatever. It really didn’t help since it was so short and I was super against getting help.”

“That sounds,” Evan pauses.

“Shitty?”

“Yeah.”

“It was. And then they tried convincing my parents to let me stay and do the whole 90 day program, but my dad refused. Talked about how he already flushed twenty thousand dollars down the drain for the weekend and he didn’t need to waste more of his money.”

“That’s really shitty of him.”

“Yeah,” Connor says. And then, “Probably could have used rehab. Not that I desperately want to get sober. I don’t know. It’s not a big problem. It’s mainly just weed and sometimes pills, but not any of the really heavy shit. I haven’t even really smoked that much in a while.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Also, sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable or anything with all this rehab drug talk.”

“No, you’re fine. You’re good. Jared talks a lot about drinking, but like he’s trying to brag about it.”

Connor laughs and glances over to Jared who’s standing around with the jocks. He looks out of place. “Jared’s the kind of person who would pretend to be drunk at a party for attention.”

“Yeah, Jared’s. Jared’s something.”

“Yeah. But yeah rehab was weird. The people were weird. My roommate used to punch the wall and scream about how he was gonna fucking die in the fucking hospital. Didn’t get much sleep because of that shit.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. There was also some girl who used to go around bragging about how she used a banana as a dildo. That was pretty funny.”

Evan coughs out a laugh. “Oh my god, what?”

“Yeah, it was weird,” Connor says.

He doesn’t mention the darker parts of rehab. Like the guy who left the day Connor was admitted because his insurance ran out, and then overdosed in a park later that night. Or the guy who talked about stealing from his younger sister’s piggy bank, and it reminded Connor of how he would sometimes pawn off his family’s things so he could buy weed.

Once Zoe got a new iPhone and made plans to donate her old one to some school charity drive. Connor stole it, sold it, and then denied it. He thought of her stomping her foot and then literally getting onto her knees and begging for him to admit he stole it. He thought of his dad screaming and his mom crying until they were so red in the face that Connor started to laugh.

Rehab was shit.

Evan starts talking again and it pulls Connor out of his thoughts. “Did they make you go to therapy after?”

“Kind of. I went a couple times, but it was shit.”

“What happened?” Evan asks and Connor just laughs. Because everything’s a joke to him.

“It just didn’t work out.”

“Have you tried going back?”

Connor laughs again because everything is so fucking funny. So fucking hilarious.

Sometimes Connor doesn’t feel like a real person.

“No and I’ve convinced myself that I don’t want or need therapy, but I don’t really believe myself anymore.”

Evan chooses not to look at Connor. “Therapy’s okay. I guess. It’s nice to have someone to talk to even though I feel like I disappoint him. My therapist. Dr. Sherman. Sometimes he gives me homework and I don’t do it.”

“You get therapy homework? That sucks.”

“Yeah. Well. It’s like. Writing the letters to myself. And other stuff. Like he said I should set a goal to speak in class at least once a day.”

Connor sees Jared approaching the two of them and immediately stops talking. Evan stops talking pretty quickly too. He looks worried.

“Hey,” Jared smiles, clapping Evan on the back. Evan stumbles a bit.

“Hey,” Evan says, staring at the ground.

“You need a ride home? I thought we could get ice cream or something on the drive. Really craving it today,” Jared says. He doesn’t ever stop smiling and Connor thinks it looks exhausting.

“Um,” Evan mumbles, looking at Connor. “I actually have a ride. Sorry. Thanks anyway.”

Jared finally stops smiling and Connor snorts out a laugh.

“Connor’s driving me.”

“Connor’s driving you?”

“I’m a great driver,” Connor says because he’s a snarky piece of shit.

Jared looks at him and then turns back to Evan. “You sure he isn’t gonna drive into a tree for some kind of murder-suicide shit?”

“Fuck off,” Connor says.

“What the hell, Jared?” Evan looks upset.

Jared rolls his eyes and glances back to the jocks he was hanging out with earlier. They don’t even seem to notice his absence.

“Whatever, man. Don’t come crying to me when he breaks your other arm,” Jared says before taking off again.

Evan turns back to Connor who’s clenching his fists. “I’m so sorry. He’s such an ass sometimes. I don’t think he realizes what he says.”

Connor takes a breath and shakes his head. He’s used to this by now. He’s angry, but he also feels nothing. “It’s fine. Nothing I haven’t heard before.”

Evan sighs and runs his fingers along his cast. He traces Connor’s name. It’s still the only signature on Evan’s cast.

“I’m getting my cast off today,” Evan says.

Connor immediately looks up. “What? That’s awesome.”

“I guess,” Evan shrugs. He looks hesitant. “It’s like I’ve been carrying around this physical reminder of what happened and now I feel weird that I won’t have that anymore.”

Connor looks at him. “A reminder that you fell out of a tree?”

Evan doesn’t look at him and the gym teacher calls for everyone to head inside. He starts walking away and Connor takes a moment before following him.

Connor drives Evan home and plays Fall Out Boy and Evan rambles over the music and it’s like the weird moment from before has been forgotten. Except it obviously isn’t forgotten because Connor knows Evan’s brain is fucked up and compulsively overthinks everything. Connor’s brain is the same way.

Connor drives around for a while and eventually finds himself at the library in the next town over. He doesn’t like the library in his hometown because one of his neighbors works there and some of the high school teachers tutor there after school and the librarians have known him his whole life. He doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want to be noticed.

He’s terrified of being seen and also terrified of being invisible.

But he’s been invisible his whole life and he’s come to terms with it. He’s done with being seen.

So he drives a half hour out of the way just to avoid his reality a little bit more. He walks through the unfamiliar library and it comforts him.

Connor finds a secluded desk in the basement and pulls out some homework. It takes him a while, but he gets a lot of it done.

He has trouble focusing sometimes. It’s probably another undiagnosed issue that will remain undiagnosed. Because that’s his life.

He flips through his folder and his eyes catch on the grief support group paper his guidance counselor gave to him. He rolls his eyes, but reads the information for the different groups. He almost forgot about it. Almost. But sometimes it’s like he can’t forget anything.

It’s like his brain holds onto specific memories. Like he can remember the way his dad’s yelling would make the house shake, but he’s also starting to forget his dad’s voice. He’s trying to remember and he can imagine his dad talking, but he thinks he might be remembering wrong.

He wants to watch some old home movies, but he also thinks that might be a bad decision. It gives him a bad feeling. He already flipped through photo albums from when he was a baby and it made him want to puke.

There’s one picture of Zoe at three years old forcing their dad to have a tea party. Their dad is smiling and his eyes are bright and his hair barely has any grey in it. Connor, four, is sitting on the floor next to Zoe and smiling almost as much as their dad.

It’s almost scary. Zoe posted the photo on her Instagram two weeks after he died and Connor stared at it until the phone faded to black in his hands.

Connor needs help. He knows he needs help. He might go insane without help. But he would also rather stab himself than ask his mom for therapy.

Which, bad example, because Connor is known for taking a pocket knife to his wrist several times a week. So.

Nick Fuller is a social worker from a few towns over and also runs a grief support group. Apparently. Connor stares at his name and email for a while before pulling out his phone and writing out an email. Something about how he’s interested in the grief support group.

Which.

He isn’t.

“Liar.”

Connor sits up because the word catches him off guard. He looks around for who said it because maybe he is starting to forget his dad’s voice, but he could swear it sounded like him. Then Connor remembers he’s alone and the word slipped out of his own mouth.

And that his own brain likes to fuck with him.


	6. Oh Well I Can't Live With Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Jared don't get along. Evan has a panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Hi. I am SO SORRY that I haven’t updated since February. The semester got kinda crazy, but I’m home now!! Woo!! This is a short one just to kinda get back in the game, but I’ll be back with a longer update soon. I’m gonna do my best to update once a week or so. We’ll see.
> 
> Also let’s take a moment to be sad that Mike is no longer Connor. Also I saw Mike’s last show and it was the greatest day of my life.
> 
> My tumblr is connmanmurphy! Come talk to me over there!
> 
> Also, sorry one last note, but I took a creative writing class this semester. My first time EVER and it was one of the best experiences. I loved it so much and it has inspired me to write more than ever.
> 
> Feel free to leave comments and kudos!! They fuel me!! Love y’all!!
> 
> Title is from Oh Well, Oh Well by Mayday Parade.

Evan texts him.

_Cast is gone! My mom says I’m a new man._

_ok but how will ppl know we’re friends if you dont have my name written across your arm_

Evan calls him laughing and Connor puts his hand over his mouth to quiet himself.

“I’m in a library,” Connor whispers into the phone.

“You’re in a library?”

“Yeah, I gotta maintain the emo nerd stereotype somehow.”

Evan laughs again. Connor doodles on the corner of his homework and smiles to himself. They’re quiet for a moment, but Connor doesn’t mind. He likes it. He wants someone he can just be with. No talking. No hiding. No lying. No covers. Just. Him. It’s refreshing.

“You should come over,” Evan says.

His chest might burst. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Evan says. “My mom just dropped me off back at home. She’s working all night. Left money for pizza.”

“Okay. I’ll be there soon,” Connor says.

He gathers his things and drives to Evan’s house as quickly as possible. He speeds the whole way there, but thankfully doesn’t get pulled over. He’s never been pulled over before, which is probably a miracle. Connor vaguely thinks that if he were pulled over now, he could try to feed some sob story to the cop about his dead dad to get out of a ticket.

There’s a car in Evan’s driveway. Connor stares at it for a moment confused, but goes to ring the doorbell anyway. Evan opens the door and Connor’s eyes immediately fall to Jared standing in the hallway.

What. The hell?

“Why are you here?” Connor asks.

Jared gives him a puzzling look and then laughs. “This isn’t your house. I don’t have to answer that.”

Connor crosses his arms, but doesn’t say anything. Evan looks panicked. Jared looks amused.

“My mom wanted me to drop off something for Evan’s mom. Why are you here, Murphy?”

Connor glances back at Evan who looks at the ground. “Evan invited me over.”

Now Jared looks annoyed. And mad. “You know, I really don’t know which is worse. You being so desperate for a friend that you picked Evan, or Evan being so desperate that he went crawling to you.”

Connor takes a step closer to Jared, putting himself in front of Evan. He can feel the rage building and building and building, and Jared is probably waiting for Connor to hit him. Just waiting for the validation that Connor’s a bad person.

Connor doesn’t need to hit someone to know that he’s a bad person. He’s already a bad person. It’s in his nature.

He’s angry to the point that he feels an unsettling sense of calm. He’s hot and near shaking, but it also feels like he’s not in his own body. Like he’s so mad he’s not himself.

“Say what you want about me, asshole,” Connor begins. Jared’s angry, but he doesn’t know rage like Connor knows rage. Anger is Connor’s thing. “But don’t fucking say that shit about Evan. I don’t care how much of a loser you are, don’t take your insecurities out on him.”

Jared doesn’t say anything at first. He looks at Evan and then back at Connor and let’s out an unamused laugh. “Whatever. Fuck you, Connor,” he says before walking out of the house.

It’s quiet and this is not what Connor expected when Evan invited him over. Still, he can’t help but feel satisfied for what he said. He has no regrets even if he knows what he said was a bit harsh.

But Jared had it coming. He was being a dick. He’s always been a dick.

Connor chooses to ignore the fact that Jared could have a lot going on. Jared could have a mental illness. Jared could be dealing with the same shit that Connor goes through. And Evan.

But Connor tries not to think that. It’s easier to just assume that Jared was being a dick because he’s a dick.

He realizes that’s probably what Zoe thinks about him. That Connor acts like a jerk because that’s who he is. Not that he’s been struggling for years and has nearly taken his own life before. He’s a jerk because he’s a jerk.

The sky is blue. Water is wet. Evan Hansen loves trees. Connor Murphy is a jerk.

“I am so sorry,” Connor says. He looks to Evan. He doesn’t really know why he’s apologizing, but he needs to. Someone needs to apologize to Evan.

“It’s okay,” Evan says softly. He wipes his cheeks. He doesn’t look at Connor.

Connor feels his stomach drop a bit. “Are you crying?”

Evan shakes his head a few times, but still won’t look at Connor. “No.”

Connor awkwardly reaches out and puts a hand on Evan’s shoulder. He’s bad at comforting people. He’s still getting used to touching Evan. He doesn’t know how to comfort him.

“You know that you’re my best friend, right? And that I’m really happy you’re in my life,” Connor says. He hopes he’s helping and saying the right things.

Evan nods. “I didn’t know Jared was coming over. He just showed up, he does that sometimes, and I didn’t know what to say. I told him you were coming over and he started getting rude and then you showed up. I’m so sorry, Connor,” Evan says and then he stops talking because he starts breathing really quickly and Connor instantly recognizes the signs of a panic attack.

“Okay, hey, it’s okay,” Connor says and he leads Evan to the couch. He rubs Evan’s back and holds one of his hands. “Just breathe, okay? You’re okay.”

He used to have panic attacks sometimes when he was younger. Once when he was 11, he had a panic attack when his mom was dropping him off at school. She sat in the backseat with him and rubbed his back and held his hand. After he calmed down, she brought him home and let him spend the day on the couch.

Once Connor was 15 and had a panic attack about going to school because he was so behind on his homework that he wasn’t sure he would pass his freshman year. He locked himself in his room while sobbing. His dad was banging on the door that Connor had to get to school and get himself together. Connor couldn’t breathe. He thought he was going to die.

“You’re okay,” Connor says again.

Evan’s breathing soon evens out and he squeezes Connor’s hand. “That was so embarrassing,” he mumbles. He doesn’t look at Connor.

Connor chuckles. “Don’t worry. No judgment here. Safe space.”

Evan doesn’t say anything, but he also doesn’t let go of Connor’s hand. Connor doesn’t mind. Evan’s hand is warm. Comforting.

He glances at Evan’s left arm, which is now cast free and slightly more pale than the rest of his skin. “Hey, your arm.”

“Oh, right,” Evan says. He looks at his arm and moves it around. “I’m back to being a normal person.”

“You were a normal person with the cast.”

“No, I know. It’s just that, like,” Evan pauses. He takes his hand away from Connor’s and grabs his own arm. Like he’s afraid it’ll just simply break again. “My arm was broken for six weeks. I wore a cast and it healed. But it’s not like I can put a cast on my brain and my brain is still broken after the fall.”

“My brain’s been broken forever. It takes years to heal from this stuff.”

“But what if I never get better? What if I’m just broken forever?”

Connor doesn’t really know what to say to that so he lets himself rest his head on Evan’s shoulder instead. He hates thinking that he’ll never get better. He’d rather die right now than be stuck in endless misery forever. But he doesn’t say that. Instead, Connor grabs Evan’s hand again and holds it tightly against his chest. Sometimes physical comfort is all he can give instead of words.

He can’t comfort his family with words. He can’t give them physical comfort either. Sometimes his mom will start crying and he’ll pat her on the shoulder until she forces herself to stop.

He feels bad he can’t give her what she needs. He used to think his parents were no good together. His dad was bad for his mom. He and his dad were a bad father and son. But now his dad is the only thing that could make everything okay again.

Connor doesn’t believe in an afterlife, but he also can’t stop picturing his dad looking down on him and being disappointed.


	7. And I Want it So Bad I'd Shoot the Sunshine Into My Veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it really a DEH fic if they don't go to the orchard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back!!! Within a week like I promised. I’m as shocked as you are. Anyway enjoy!! I’m gonna do my best to keep up this streak of posting regularly. I love writing for this story.
> 
> Feel free to leave comments and kudos and to bookmark and subscribe!! I love getting any and all feedback :)
> 
> Title is from 27 by Fall Out Boy.

“Hey, why do you smoke?”

Connor glances to Evan whose head is resting against his shoulder. They’ve been lying like this for a while. They put on Netflix hours ago, but turned it off when it got dark. They didn’t feel like watching anything else. So they started talking. And Connor is still holding onto Evan’s hand.

“I told you. To piss off my parents and keep myself distracted.”

“No, I know, but like. When did you start? How did you start?”

“You really think that 13-year-old me was not going to jump at the chance to disobey authority figures? Remember Luke Hannigan? He was that eighth grader who was kept behind a couple years. We had detention together a lot and he got me to smoke with him.”

Evan rubs his thumb against the back of Connor’s hand. “Weren’t you worried? About lung cancer and stuff?”

Connor shrugs. “Not really. You hear about all the long term effects, but I never banked on being here long term.”

“You’re still here though.”

“Yeah, somehow.”

Evan squeezes his hand. “Have you. Um. Have you ever, like,” Evan stops himself, but Connor knows what he’s asking.

“I’ve never attempted suicide,” Connor says. Evan is still. “Closest I got was passing out in a park once from too many pills. My mom found me at five in the morning and then they brought me to rehab for the weekend. Good times.” Evan doesn’t say anything. “I’m lazy when it comes to suicide. And I’m scared. I know that if I wanted to do it I would have, but I guess there’s more keeping me here than I realize.”

Evan intertwines his fingers with Connor’s and squeezes tightly. Very tightly, to the point that it actually hurts, but Connor doesn’t pull away. He thinks Evan needs this. He probably needs it too.

“I’m sorry,” Connor whispers. His voice is quieter now. “I’ve never told anyone that stuff before. It’s kind of ugly.”

“You don’t deserve to feel like that.” Evan’s voice is soft. Weak.

“You don’t either.”

Evan doesn’t respond to that. Instead he weakens his grip on Connor’s hand, but he still doesn’t let go.

“Have you ever attempted?”

“Please don’t ask me that.”

Connor nods. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just. Sorry. I asked you and you should be allowed to ask me, but. I’m sorry. I just can’t,” Evan mumbles. He doesn’t usually stumble over his words as much around Connor, but he does now.

“Hey, don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.”

“You good?”

Evan breathes out and nods. “I’m good.”

Connor lets himself relax against the couch. He never volunteers information about himself. At least not information like that. He’s never talked about his suicidal thoughts in that much detail. It’s scary to trust someone this much.

They lay like that for a while. On the couch, in the dark, hands together. Soon enough, the front door opens and Connor and Evan move away from each other before Evan’s mom can see them like that. Connor doesn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea. Not that the wrong idea is such a bad thing. But Connor doesn’t want to deal with those thoughts right now.

A light comes on and Connor rubs his eyes. “It’s so dark in here,” Heidi says. She smiles when she sees Connor. “Oh, hi Connor. You two hanging out?”

“Mom,” Evan mumbles. He rubs his eyes too.

“Hi,” Connor waves shyly at her.

“Well, don’t let me interrupt you guys,” she says and then glances around the room. “What were you guys up to?”

“Just watching Netflix, Mom,” Evan says even though the TV is still off. Heidi doesn’t comment.

“I should actually probably get going,” Connor says.

“Oh,” Heidi says. She pauses. “Well, it was nice seeing you again, sweetie. Come back any time.”

Connor smiles at her and moves to the front door.

“I’ll walk you out,” Evan says.

They put their shoes on and walk out outside. It’s October now and it’s cold at night. Connor doesn’t mind the cold. He’s spent a lot of winter nights outside in a hoodie. He stopped caring at this point.

Connor stops at his car and looks at Evan. “I had a lot of fun.”

“Me too.”

“I really like talking to you.”

“Me too.”

Connor smiles and he opens his car and tosses in his phone. He turns back to Evan and steps forward and hugs him.

Evan holds him tightly. Like Connor would float away if he didn’t. “Thank you,” he whispers.

Connor squeezes Evan once before stepping back. Evan’s holding his left arm as if it is still broken. As if it could suddenly shatter all over again. Connor wishes he could somehow protect Evan. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this strongly about another person before. He doesn’t really know what to do with all these feelings.

“Drive safe,” Evan says.

“It’s a five minute drive.”

“But still. Be safe.”

Connor smiles and stands there for another moment before getting in the car. He backs out of the driveway and is conscious of the fact that Evan is watching him.

Connor’s normally a reckless driver, but this time he goes the speed limit and keeps two hands on the wheel. He gets home in seven minutes.

It’s past midnight when he steps into the house. His parents’ anniversary was last week and nothing happened. Connor tries remembering what his parents used to do to celebrate their anniversary and he can’t come up with anything. Maybe they went out to dinner together. Maybe they exchanged presents. This would have been their 20th anniversary. He thinks his mom probably spent the day crying instead.

He feels guilty. And sad for her. Not for the first time, Connor wishes he had a different family.

Understanding parents who love him unconditionally and a sibling he could have a close relationship with.

If anyone in his family loves him, it’s his mom. It’s her job to love him, but Connor wouldn’t be surprised if she stopped. He’s a difficult person to love.

Friday afternoon. Study hall. Connor rests his head on the desk and tries to push the world away. Jared is in his study hall and Connor can feel his glare from across the room.

He doesn’t care. He has more important things to worry about. He checks his email and there’s a message from Nick Fuller. The anxiety immediately hits.

_Hi Connor,_

_Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Losing a parent is never easy, especially for someone as young as yourself. We would be more than happy to welcome you to our weekly group. We meet every Monday evening. Please email me back to confirm your interest so I can send you the time and location of the meetings._

_Hang in there, Connor. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out for help. I’m sure your father would have been proud of you._

_Nick_

Connor feels a fresh wave of anger hit. But. Also. He’s just so tired. And so exhausted. Being angry takes a lot out of him and being angry is half his personality. He wishes he could just go on some medication that would make him less angry. He definitely needs that.

It’s just that he hates when people try to act like they know his situation. When they say stuff about how his dad would have been proud of him. They don’t know his situation. They don’t know his dad. They don’t know him.

Still, Connor emails back saying that he wants to join the support group.

The support group for kids with dead parents.

Dead parents society.

Connor laughs at himself and immediately texts his joke to Evan.

 _Oh my god Connor_ and three laughing emojis.

The bell rings and Connor finds himself practically running to the senior parking lot. He stands by his car and tries to appear casual as he waits for Evan.

He sees Zoe leave the school. With. Alana Beck.

Um. What?

He didn’t think they were friends, but it probably shouldn’t surprise him. Alana is friends with everyone. Connor sees red for a moment when he thinks about Alana talking to Zoe the same way she tried talking to him the other day. Except, Zoe’s a healthy person and isn’t paranoid about other people’s motives.

Probably. He thinks.

Whatever. Connor just hates the idea of people taking advantage of Zoe. Or hurting Zoe. She’s already been through enough. She doesn’t need any more bullshit in her life.

Evan approaches him. “Hi.” He’s smiling.

Connor grins. “Hey.”

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah, sure,” Connor says and gives one last look to Zoe who’s getting into Alana’s car. Alana waves at him. Connor ignores her.

Evan is fiddling with his seatbelt. “Did you want to do something?”

Connor starts driving and shrugs. “What’d you have in mind?”

“I’d suggest the park, but it’s really sunny so I think it’d be kind of crowded. And, um, I just don’t really. Um. I can’t really do crowds,” Evan says. He shrinks in on himself a little.

“Don’t worry about it,” Connor says. And then he gets an idea. “Hey, did you ever go to the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard when you were a kid? It’s right on the edge of town.”

“I think once or twice.”

“We went all the time when I was a kid. Apparently it’s closed down now. I kind of want to go check it out.”

“Okay.”

“You sure?”

“A place with a ton of trees and no people? It sounds like a dream.”

Connor laughs and starts driving toward the orchard. It surprises him, but he thinks he remembers how to get there despite not having been since he was nine.

He hates that he can feel himself getting excited. It’s the same feeling he used to get when he was a kid. The same feeling he’d get the morning of a field trip or a birthday party. Connor was a happy kid and he can’t deny that.

He stopped getting that feeling after a while. There was less stuff to be excited about. He started dreading field trips because he didn’t have friends to hang out with and people stopped inviting him to birthday parties. He stopped letting himself get excited over stuff. Good things don’t happen to him.

Except now he has Evan and Evan is really, really good.

They pull into the empty parking lot and step out of the car. Everything is overgrown and unkempt. The orchard used to be so bright when he was a child. Now it was like the world has dimmed. Maybe that’s just his perspective.

Connor leads them to the main field. The grass almost comes up to his knees and there are a lot of yellow patches. The grass used to be this luscious green, but now it’s this dull green and brown and yellow. He and Zoe would leave with grass stains all over their clothes and four leaf clovers shoved in their pockets.

The entire field is framed with trees. It’s beautiful, but Connor can’t find it in himself to take his eyes off Evan’s face. He wants to look at Evan look at nature.

“This place is amazing,” Evan says. He spins around a bit to take in the entire field.

“My family and I would have picnics in this field, like, every weekend,” Connor says. It’s definitely on his list of good memories. “I used to climb the trees a lot. And we used to have this little toy plane that we’d fly. Zoe and I used to run around looking for four leaf clovers. She used to cry when she couldn’t find any so I’d give her mine.”

Connor sits down in the grass and watches Evan walk around. Evan turns to him and gestures Connor to follow him and then runs, actually runs, to one of the tallest trees. Connor could remember climbing it when he was a kid and getting up so high that his parents threatened to call 911 unless he climbed down.

Connor jogs over to Evan who’s standing at the base of the tree. Staring up at the sky.

“Wanna climb it?” Evan asks. He looks really happy.

Connor shrugs, but decides he’ll do it anyway. Evan starts climbing and Connor follows. They get pretty far up until Evan decides it’s enough and finds a sturdy branch. Connor follows suit and finds his own branch. Their feet touch and Connor kind of rubs his shoe against Evan’s for a moment. Evan smiles at him.

Connor and Evan sitting in a tree.

Connor blushes to himself at the thought.

“Aren’t you scared of climbing trees?” Connor asks.

Evan shakes his head. “Why?”

“Because you broke your arm climbing a tree. You really don’t have a good track record when it comes to tree climbing.”

Evan’s real smile fades and he replaces it with something fake and uncomfortable. Connor feels like an idiot.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. We’re having a nice time and I’m being stupid and bringing up-“

“No, no, no. Don’t worry, no. It’s not that. It’s just. Um. It’s,” Evan pauses and he rubs his left arm.

Connor pulls up his right sleeve. His left arm is filled with cuts and scars. It isn’t pretty.

They sit in a tree. And they just talk. They talk and joke and laugh and Connor doesn’t ever want to climb down, but eventually the sky darkens and Evan’s mom texts to ask where he is.

“More people should watch the sunset from a tree,” Evan says once they climbed down.

Connor nods in agreement as they make their way back to his car. They’re quiet now, but it’s nice and Connor brushes his hand against Evan’s twice. Accidentally at first, but then he just really wants to hold Evan’s hand. But they reach the car before Connor could work up the nerve to actually hold his hand.

He drives to Evan’s house and they sit in the driveway for a moment looking at each other. Evan smiles at him and Connor can physically feel his heart stop. Like someone squeezed it as tightly as possible and won’t let go.

He drives home carefully and gets home late. It’s passed midnight again and the house is dark, but Connor feels light.

It’s almost like he’s a kid again. Like he’s happy again.

He’s not used to this.

Evan texts him a picture of the sunset from up in the tree and Connor texts back a smiley face.

He could get used to this.


	8. You Can't Blame Me For Hating It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is sad about his life and Brian Harris is a jerk, but he finds comfort in Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with another update!! This one’s long so enjoy. Also I borrowed Brian Harris from chchchchcherrybomb’s The Desperate Type series. Feel free to drop a comment/kudos bc I treasure them immensely!! Enjoy!!
> 
> Title is from A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More “Touch Me” by Fall Out Boy.

Maybe there used to be a time that Connor would have followed in his father’s footsteps.

Become a lawyer. Marry his college sweetheart. Have two kids.

Connor doesn’t want any of that. Or maybe he’s convinced himself that he doesn’t because it feels pretty unlikely that anyone would ever want him that way.

He goes through some of his dad’s old things that are sitting in the garage. It’s three in the morning and he can’t sleep so he’s pacing the garage and flipping through his dad’s old, dusty law textbooks from grad school.

Searching for. Something.

Connor doesn’t know what he’s looking for. But he finds his dad’s handwritten notes in some of the margins and it gives him something. Some type of feeling. Like a tiny connection to his dead dad, but also. It leaves him with nothing.

Mostly Connor just feels confused and sad. But that’s pretty much his baseline at this point.

There’s a box with old baseball cards and old baseballs. When Connor was little, he used to sit on his dad’s lap and watch his dad go through his entire collection. Then they would play catch in the front yard for hours. Connor has difficulty remembering because it was so long ago, but he remembers how one time he hurt his finger when catching the ball. He remembers crying and his dad telling him to get up and stop crying.

“Real men don’t cry, Connor,” his dad had said so Connor held back his tears until his mom came home and he fell into her arms.

Connor never cared for baseball. He did little league for a few years, but only because it made his parents happy. His mom told him he did a good job, even when he would strike out. And his dad would put his trophies on the fireplace for everyone to see.

It made Connor feel good, but he still decided to quit when he reached third grade. The other kids either avoided him or teased him after the printer incident. Plus, he wasn’t even that good.

It didn’t matter. Baseball was stupid anyway. His dad was kind of upset when he quit, but then he signed Zoe up for softball and they would play catch together.

Sometimes Connor watched from inside. Sometimes he would curl up on the couch and read.

They moved to his new house when he was about 11. He remembers his dad bringing out his old collection and going through it and showing it to Zoe. She didn’t seem that interested, but she still sat there and nodded along to what he was saying.

He could also remember how excited his mom was to move into the new house. A cul-de-sac. Five bedrooms. An island in the kitchen. It was all she ever talked about.

Connor didn’t see the big deal. He was excited to have his own bathroom, but that was about it. He didn’t know why this house would be more special because of two spare bedrooms instead of one.

Freshman year was the worst year of Connor’s life. It was when his mental health went from bad to completely in the dumpster. Completely wrecked. Completely demolished. It was when he started cutting regularly. It was also the year he turned 15. It was the year his dad bought him a baseball glove as a birthday present.

His dad never bought them birthday presents. That job was always left to his mom. But on Connor’s 15th birthday, his dad came home with a plastic bag and handed it to Connor with a smile. He never smiled at Connor anymore and Connor pulled out a baseball glove.

An expensive baseball glove with the tag still on and the receipt in the bag. He looked at his dad who looked at him expectantly. Like the glove could make them travel back in time to when Connor did little league and played catch with his dad. Like the glove could erase his years of depression and the cuts on his arms.

Like, _oh sure, Dad, last week you yelled at me that I was a selfish brat and ruining this family and then put a hole in the living room wall, but it’s okay because you got me this glove to make up for it._

But it’s okay because even though the words cut so deep to the point that Connor pulled out a pocketknife to make the wounds physical, he now had a shiny new baseball glove to make up for it.

Sure.

Not that his family knows about the cuts. Or ever acknowledged his depression.

Connor could tattoo the word depression across his forehead and his family wouldn’t say a word.

Once, in a fit of rage and resentment and pure sadness, he screamed that he was going to kill himself. In the middle of June, the morning of the last day of his freshman year, he screamed at his parents that he would kill himself.

His mom cried. His dad screamed back and told him to stop being dramatic and get to school.

Nothing happened. That night, his parents acted like everything was normal. Like Connor hadn’t threatened to end his own life. Like it was a normal thing to have your 15-year-old son yell that he was going to take himself out of the world.

Sometimes, very late at night, Connor could hear his parents fighting over him. Fighting about his behavior, fighting about who fucked up while raising him. Fighting about the words he said and the walls he punched.

“He’s just saying these things for attention, Cynthia,” his dad said once. Desperately. Like if he said it enough times it would actually be true. Like maybe they’d all wake up one day to find Connor normal instead of dead.

“I’m just worried about him.”

“You coddle him too much!”

“You’re too hard on him!”

Sometimes Connor got involved in the fighting. Sometimes he wondered if he yelled back just for the sake of yelling. Just for even more proof that his family was fucked up. “Oh my god just shut up!” Connor screamed once from his room.

It was quiet for a second until he heard loud loud loud stomping on the stairs and his dad was pounding on his door yelling at Connor to open up.

Connor screamed through his door and his dad screamed back and his dad was banging on the door and Connor was throwing things at his wall and his mom was crying and Zoe was hitting their shared wall until everything was just loud yelling chaos screaming noise noise noise loud.

Connor doesn’t remember when it stopped. He remembers the final hit his dad gave to his door that made Connor jump out of his skin.

He remembers how quiet the house felt for the rest of the night. He remembers once after all the fighting he glanced outside his bedroom window and saw one of his neighbors walking down the street with his kids. It was a sobering moment for Connor. The world exists outside of his house, outside of his bedroom, and maybe one day he can have a happy family.

Doesn’t seem likely. Connor shuts his curtains and cuts his arm instead. He doesn’t feel better, but he likes hurting himself. It gives him validation that his pain is real.

The night passes and it’s like everything was reset at midnight because his family is normal the next day. Zoe quietly eats cereal at the table. His dad reads the newspaper and drinks his coffee. His mom walks around the kitchen, talking and serving food and smiling and pretending that everything’s fine.

Connor stands in the kitchen doorway and he wants to scream because he’s still angry and he doesn’t know how they can just let things go. He doesn’t know how they can pretend like the night before doesn’t happen.

The only physical reminders from last night are the holes in Connor’s wall and the cuts on his arm.

Connor sighs and looks up. He’s still standing in his garage holding his unused baseball glove. He doesn’t know what to do with it so he just puts it back in the bag.

There’s shaving cream and rubber bands in the bag too. Connor doesn’t know what they’re for, but he takes the shaving cream anyway because he figures he can use it when his shaving cream runs out.

Thanks, Dad.

Connor goes to bed shortly after that. He kind of just wants to forget the baseball glove. Forget the baseball glove and the memories from his childhood. All these thoughts are clogging his head and he has no room to think or breathe, because really, his mind is pretty stuck on Evan lately.

Evan Evan Evan Hansen. God, why can’t he get Evan out of his head?

Not that Connor minds constantly thinking about Evan. But he’s also pretty sure that Evan isn’t thinking about him as much.

Connor drives to a park a half hour away from his house and finds a random bench and smokes some cigarettes. He texts his dealer because it’s been a while and the idea of being sober is stupid. Stupid and dumb and ridiculous and it’s not like his dad is around to disappoint anymore.

He’ll just stick to disappointing his mom. He’ll get high and make her cry and balance will be restored to the universe. Perfect.

He drives to his old middle school to meet his dealer, Carter. It’s been a while. Connor hasn’t been smoking much, but he’s been buying from a few kids at school. He doesn’t really like buying from Carter.

Carter’s this 20-something stoner who never got out of their town. Graduated late and went to rehab for the real shit. Heroin. Oxy. Now he sticks to weed, but Connor feels like he’s staring into his future. And he really hopes he doesn’t end up that pathetic even though he’s already pretty pathetic.

“Bro, I heard about your dad,” Carter says after he hands Connor the baggie.

Connor gives him a look.

“That sucks, man.”

Connor shrugs, thankful they’re in their own cars. “Yeah,” he says. Carter kind of nods and drums his fingers against the steering wheel. His eyes are red. He’s never seen Carter sober. “See you,” he says, putting the car in drive and getting away as fast as possible.

He rolls his eyes as he drives home. Maybe this kind of thing wouldn’t happen if he lived in a big city and was just another nameless face. Maybe if Connor had the courage to leave he could get that one day.

Connor drives to the orchard because something in his brain keeps nagging him about it, and he knows he won’t be able to let it go unless he goes back.

So he drives to the orchard and sits in the parking lot for a bit before grabbing his pipe and heading out to the large field. He always keeps his pipe in his car rather than his house. He stopped smoking at home because he stopped being at home. Connor sits at the base of the tree he and Evan climbed the other day and smokes. It’s relaxing and he finally feels a bit at peace.

It’s like he’s always angry, but sometimes he can get high and forget about all that anger. He’s built up anger and resentment against his parents, other people, and the entire world since he was 12 and he holds onto it. People put him in a box so he does the same to them. Fuck them. He holds onto that anger as if it keeps him afloat, even though it’s probably the thing that’s holding him down.

People talk about letting go of anger, but Connor doesn’t get that, so he stays angry with his mom and Zoe and his dead dad. His dead dad who can’t change anything and probably had good intentions.

And his mom always talks about how she loves him and how she wants what’s best for him. How she cares about him and loves him and how much he means to her.

If she cares so much, why does she choose to ignore the obvious? Or is he really that good at hiding his mental illness? Or is she just that ignorant?

Zoe can’t be that ignorant. He wonders if she has any mental illness. Is she hiding it? Is he just as ignorant as the rest of the world?

Connor tries to think about Zoe feeling sad enough to want to kill herself, and it makes his head hurt. She doesn’t deserve to ever feel that way. He hopes she doesn’t feel that way.

He sits for a while until the high wears off and then he checks his phone. Random social media notifications and email subscriptions, but not much else. Never much else. It makes him think about if he killed himself. His phone would still get those notifications. They’re sent out automatically and Connor takes a moment to think of all the notifications dead people must get. He wonders what his dad’s email inbox looks like. They still get mail addressed to his dad, but a lot of it is junk mail.

He thinks about writing the thought down and saving it. Maybe bringing it up to Evan next time they hang out. But he doesn’t because it’s kind of a stupid thing to think about anyway.

Connor drives home and rolls his eyes when he sees a random car in the driveway. There are always people stopping by the house unannounced these days. Paying their respects. Going to see the grieving family so they can rest at night thinking they did their part.

Whatever. Connor’s not a community service project. He wishes his mom knew that people’s intentions aren’t good. No one actually cares about them. People act like they care because it makes themselves feel better.

Connor sees through all the bullshit. People don’t care about other people. People are selfish. People are only looking out for themselves.

Connor walks into the house, weed stuffed in his backpack, and he’s frozen on the spot when he walks into the family room.

Brian. Harris. In his house.

What. The. Hell.

“Oh, Connor,” his mom says and his attention shifts to his mom sitting with Brian’s parents on the opposite couch.

“Hi Connor,” Mrs. Harris says. She gives him this sad, pitiful smile and Connor kind of wants to punch her.

He punched Brian once. In sixth grade during recess when Brian wouldn’t stop calling him gay because Connor sometimes sat with Alana Beck at lunch and still used his Spiderman lunchbox.

He didn’t know why that made him gay, but in Brian’s eyes it did. And he was absolutely 100% not gay so Connor punched Brian and threw out his lunchbox and started eating lunch in the library. It was kind of sad because he still liked Spiderman a lot, but Connor didn’t want to go through school being labeled as the gay kid.

He also felt bad about suddenly abandoning Alana at lunch because she didn’t have anyone else to sit with either, but his fear of being called gay outweighed the bad feelings.

So Connor would pretend that he didn’t like Spiderman anymore even though he secretly wished he could be Spiderman. Put on a mask, save people, and be praised for it.

But that was back when Connor still wanted to be seen. When he wanted to step into the sun and have friends and be popular.

His expectations lowered by the time he hit seventh grade. And again by eighth grade.

And by the time he hit high school, Connor had given up entirely.

And now Brian Harris is sitting in his house, giving him this condescending smirk as Connor watches his mom talk to Brian’s parents. It’s weird to see her alone without his dad by her side. It doesn’t look right. Things feel incomplete. Unfinished. Like someone was drawing his life and didn’t bother drawing his dad in the picture.

Connor had never thought of it like that before because he used to draw pictures of his family when he was little and he always drew his dad first. He drew his dad big and his mom half his height and then Zoe and then himself.

“Brian is so excited for college next year. We’ve already had a few coaches reach out so really the ball is in Brian’s court. What about you, Connor? Do you know what you want to do next year?” Mrs. Harris is asking. Everyone turns to him and Brian won’t stop giving him this smug grin.

Connor really wants to punch him, but he also just doesn’t give a shit anymore.

“We’ll see,” Connor shrugs. “Might look into some state schools,” he says even though it’s probably not going to happen.

His grades have been bad for years and he’s barely scraping by with a 2.2 GPA. Connor used to have dreams of going to a big school in a big city far away, but he doubts any school would accept him so he’s kind of given up.

It doesn’t matter. Maybe he’ll die before the end of the year and then he won’t have to worry about it.

“Oh, well state schools are still good,” Mrs. Harris says.

Connor catches his mom’s smile falter a little and he feels like an idiot. She’s probably embarrassed by him. If he killed himself this could have all been avoided.

If he died instead of his dad then his parents could play the role of grieving couple who lost their child, and then his mom wouldn’t have to sit here alone in front of Brian’s parents and pretend she’s proud of her son who probably couldn’t even get into community college.

Mr. Harris changes the subject to something more light. Something more meaningless and Connor stands there for a moment watching. He watches the adults talk as though they got together just to discuss the weather and not because his dad died tragically a month and a half ago. As though the Harris’ come by every week to visit and chat.

Connor stopped getting along with Brian when they entered middle school. And the Harris’ stopped coming over entirely after Connor punched Brian.

They stopped going on their joint family skiing trip as well, but maybe that was for the best because Connor hated skiing and would end up fighting with his dad the entire trip.

Connor takes one last look at the adults, and then Brian who’s sitting there and contributing to the conversation as though he’s one of them, and makes his way to the kitchen.

God, he fucking hates Brian. Brian, who easily slides on a mask and can sweet talk any adult and make himself seem like he belongs. Connor doesn’t understand how some people can just easily insert themselves into a narrative. He has trouble letting himself be the main character of his own story.

Connor pours himself a glass of water and pauses when he turns around and sees Brian standing at the other end of the kitchen. Still smirking at him.

“Nice nails,” Brian says. Mocking.

Connor doesn’t say anything, doesn’t nod, just takes a sip of water and stares. He’s already uncomfortable in his own house without Brian being there.

Being there and walking around and breathing and taking up space and Connor is suddenly very self conscious of the space he’s taking up himself and wants to make himself smaller and smaller until he disappears all together.

“Really sucks to hear about your dad,” Brian continues. “We’re all just so broken up for you.”

Connor stares at him. He doesn’t know who Brian is talking about, but it makes him angry because he hates appearing weak. This whole dead dad thing is making himself seem weak, and Connor’s spent years building up these scary walls to appear intimidating.

Then his dad dies and suddenly he’s supposed to be some sad, broken kid. Fuck that.

“Okay, you can go fuck yourself,” Connor says, but he keeps his voice low because the adults are in the next room and his mom would flip if she heard him saying that to Brian in front of Brian’s parents.

Brian laughs at him and shakes his head. Like he has the upper hand. Like he won. Like he can come in here and taunt Connor, but it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day Brian can go home to two perfect parents.

He doubts that Brian has ever struggled with his mental health. Brian probably doesn’t even know what depression is, and if he did, he’d probably think it was fake.

And then Connor stops himself again because it’s unfair for him to assume things like that about people.

But then Brian checks Connor’s shoulder as he leaves the kitchen. Just a small reminder that Brian is superior and better and Connor should probably just end his own life that very second. Brian used to tell him to kill himself a lot. A small part of Connor wishes he would again so Connor could have that validation.

Connor walks back into the family room where Brian slipped back into the conversation without missing a beat.

He stares, he’s angry, he immediately turns on his feet and walks out of the house. Slams the door.

He gets in his car and just drives. He floors it down the street and his car barely makes a sound.

He vaguely thinks that he should get a motorcycle because those are at least loud and would drown out the rest of the world.

He’d love a motorcycle. His mom thinks they’re dangerous.

Connor ends up at Evan’s house and kind of blinks his eyes in realization when he parks in the driveway. He didn’t really mean to show up at Evan’s unannounced, but he’s sure Evan won’t mind.

_lmao not to be weird but im outside ur house_

Evan doesn’t reply immediately like he usually would so Connor just anxiously sits in the driveway, waiting, and feeling stupid. He’s about to drive away, but he sees the door opening and.

Evan’s mom steps outside. Connor wants to melt into the ground.

She waves and Connor slowly gets out of his car. He waves back and walks over.

“Hi Connor,” she says sweetly. Like she’s happy to see him even though he just totally showed up unannounced. His mom is never that happy to see him, but it’s usually because Connor brings a storm wherever he goes.

“Hi Mrs. Hansen.”

She shakes her head. “Heidi.”

“Heidi,” Connor says slowly.

“Evan’s not here right now,” Heidi says.

Connor nods. Stupid stupid stupid. “Sorry. There were people at my house and I kinda just ended up here. Sorry,” he says.

He’s already turning around when Heidi grabs his arm. His left arm, over the sleeve, and Connor’s heart immediately races. There’s no doubt that Heidi would tell his mom about the scars if she noticed them. She’s definitely not as ignorant as his own mom.

Then again, maybe she is because Evan cuts and she doesn’t know about that. She doesn’t seem to notice how sad Evan is all the time. Sad and anxious and disconnected.

And now he’s thinking about Evan again. In front of Evan’s mom. Outside of Evan’s house. Fuck.

“Do you want to wait inside? Evan should be back soon. I think he was going to the library.”

Connor takes a second and then nods and follows Heidi into the house. He stands in the doorway for a moment and then follows her into the kitchen. She has a few textbooks open in front of her and motions for him to sit down at the table.

This is weird. Weird weird weird. Being in Evan’s house without Evan. It’s like Connor took himself out of his own life and forced himself into Evan’s. He hopes Evan doesn’t mind.

_lol your mom invited me into ur house so now im like in ur kitchen i hope that’s not weird im sorry_

_evannn r u coming home soon?_

“What are you working on?” Connor finds himself asking.

Heidi gives him this warm smile and Connor doesn’t feel as bad as he should about showing up uninvited and making himself at home.

“Studying. I have an exam coming up in one of my classes. International business negotiation.”

He nods. He interrupted her studying. Fuck. He’s such an idiot.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, glancing away.

And then there’s a moment. Heidi looks at him, hard and intense, but not with pity. It’s refreshing. “Sweetie, you are more than welcome here any time. Things at home can’t be easy. If you ever need a break just stop on by. I love having you here. And I know Evan does too.”

Connor tries to hide the smile he feels forming on his face and looks down at the table. Heidi gives him a final pat on his arm, left arm, and turns back to her textbooks. Connor checks his phone.

_I’m sorry!!! I’ll be home in a few minutes._

_And don’t apologize. It’s not weird._

_what timeline r we in that has u telling me not to apologize_

_Clearly the bad one._

The front door opens a few minutes later and Evan steps into the kitchen. Connor stands up and moves over to him.

“Hi honey,” Heidi says. “How was the library?”

“Good,” Evan nods. He seems hesitant. He turns to Connor. “Wanna go upstairs?”

Connor nods and Evan leads them out of the kitchen. He pauses for a moment and takes one last look at Heidi who smiles at him and Connor smiles back.

Evan shuts the door once they’re inside and sits down on his bed. Connor kind of stands near the door for a second, but then Evan’s patting the spot next to him so Connor joins him on the bed. Evan presses his left leg against Connor’s right leg and Connor feels more at ease.

“Sorry again for just showing up here,” Connor says.

“Stop,” Evan says. Shakes his head.

“Okay,” Connor says and he fiddles with his phone for a second. “Brian Harris was at my house. Our parents are friends, and I was kind of ready to kill myself.”

“More than usual?”

Connor laughs. “More than usual.”

Evan looks at him. “So Brian Harris?”

Connor rolls his eyes. “Yeah. He’s more like a family friend I guess. We got along when we were younger, but in middle school he became an asshole.”

“Yeah, he’s shoved me into quite a few lockers back in the day.”

Connor frowns and rests his hand on top of Evan’s. Drags his finger across the back of his hand. “That really sucks.”

Evan shrugs, but he doesn’t move his hand away.

“I punched him once. Got in school suspension for three days, but it was totally worth it. And then our parents decided to end the annual ski trip we all took together,” Connor says proudly.

Evan laughs and it’s quiet again. Connor hates the thought of Evan getting pushed around and bullied in middle school. Evan doesn’t deserve that. Connor does because he’s a bad person, but Evan is nice. Innocent. A good person with good intentions. He doesn’t deserve to be pushed around by anyone let alone Brian Harris.

A pause in the conversation. “I’m sorry Brian was such a dick to you.”

Evan squeezes Connor’s hand. “It’s fine. It was years ago.”

“Yeah, but still. You deserve better than that. You’re a good person.”

Evan smiles, but it’s this kind of sad smile. He’s seen it before sometimes when Heidi tries talking to Evan. “I’m really not.”

“You are. You’re nice and funny and if Brian ever tried anything now I’d totally beat him up for you.”

Evan laughs and rolls his eyes. “You know I’m not made of glass, right?”

“I just,” _want to keep you safe._ “You deserve people who love you and want to stick up for you. You deserve more people in your corner.”

Evan looks away at that, but squeezes Connor’s hand. Again.

Connor squeezes back and smiles because even though he doesn’t really have his family or any other friends, he does have Evan. And that’s enough.


	9. I'm Straight Toxic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor goes to the support group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler chapter. Enjoy nonetheless!! I'll have another update for y'all soon. I like posting regularly.
> 
> Please feel free to leave comments/kudos/any type of feedback!!! I love hearing your thoughts.
> 
> Tumblr is connmanmurphy.tumblr.com

Dead Parents Society meets every Monday at six.

It’s not really called Dead Parents Society, it’s a grief support group, but Connor likes to call it that in his head. Because he turns everything into a joke.

A part of him wants to show up to the group and make jokes, but he knows he’d probably get kicked out immediately. But that’s fine. He’s not even sure he wants to go. It’s probably stupid and sad and depressing and he doesn’t need more people in his life judging him.

But he thinks about how Evan would want him to go. He mentioned it to Evan the day before when they were at the orchard.

Again.

It’s apparently their new hang out spot.

“Even if you just go once,” Evan had said. They were sitting at the base of the tree they climbed.

“I guess,” Connor shrugged. “I don’t really want to go.”

Evan chuckled and knocked his foot against Connor’s. “I’m gonna call you out on that because you wouldn’t have emailed this guy if you were 100% against it.”

Connor shrugged again. He’s against it, but he also thinks he might die if he doesn’t do something. His life is so fucking boring and routine and maybe this support group could help. Maybe. Or maybe it’ll be a bullshit waste of time.

Connor sits in the parking lot of the office building where the support group meets and tries to scroll through his phone to distract himself. He wishes Evan could be there with him. At least to hold his hand to walk into the building.

Connor used to wish he and Zoe were twins. He used to have a lot of anxiety about going to new places and starting school. He figured that if he and Zoe were twins then they could do all that together. But Zoe’s a year younger, and she never really needed him as much as he needed her.

She would walk into a room with her head held high and an aura of confidence. Connor used to walk into a room holding his mom’s hand.

Until he grew up. Then he survived. He learned and adapted. He closed himself off to the point of not needing anybody.

A part of him wishes he and Zoe were close. It’s the same part of him that gets an immense feeling of regret and sadness every time he sees a pair of siblings who are also close friends. If he and Zoe were close then they could go to this support group together and maybe have some stupid tradition of getting ice cream after every meeting. And then they could go home and tell their mom about the support group and pull together as a family during this time of sadness and tragedy.

5:55 pm. Connor gets out of the car. His life isn’t a movie. It doesn’t have a happy ending.

In fact, it has no ending, which is kind of worse. It just keeps going.

He walks into the building and follows a sign that points him to the support group. He walks into the room and tries not to be overwhelmed.

There’s a bunch of chairs set up in a circle and already about ten people sitting down. Smiling. Chatting. Laughing. It looks more like his mom’s book club than a dead parents club.

“Connor?”

Connor glances up and sees a man make his way over to him. Shakes his hand.

“I’m Nick Fuller. I run the support group. We’re so happy to have you here, Connor.”

Connor gives him some kind of half smile and tries his best to look like a normal fucking person. “Nice to meet you,” Connor says. He hopes he sounds like a functioning person. Like a person who isn’t dreading being there.

Nick gives him this comforting smile that he probably uses on every sad person he encounters and gestures to an empty chair. Connor takes a seat and lets his hair fall in front of his face.

Perks of having long hair: another way to hide.

His dad used to make a lot of comments about his hair. Eventually he stopped, and it was almost like no comments were worse. Rude comments at least meant that he cared.

Connor snaps his hair tie against his wrist a few times and wishes he were at home so he could go cut himself in peace. And maybe stop thinking about his dad for one fucking second.

But Nick starts speaking before Connor can find the courage to get up, walk out, and drive his car into a tree.

“Alright everyone. Welcome back to group. Before we jump right on in, I thought we could reintroduce ourselves seeing as though we have a new face joining us tonight,” Nick says.

Connor feels every pair of eyes on him and he wants to crawl into a hole. He’s probably the youngest person there. Everyone seems to at least be old enough to be in college. They all look. Fine. Well adjusted. Like they don’t belong in a support group. Maybe this was a bad idea.

“I’ll go,” one girl says. Connor looks at her. “I’m Jamie. My dad died two years ago. He had a heart attack.” She says it like it’s the most casual thing in the world, but Connor can’t really blame her. He usually keeps a straight face when it comes to this stuff.

The girl next to her has bright blue hair and a few tattoos on her forearm. Connor’s instantly jealous. He’s wanted a tattoo for years. Maybe he’ll get one when he turns 18. But maybe not on his forearm since he’d probably end up cutting and fucking up the tattoo.

“I’m Lauren,” the girl says. “My dad died six months ago from an aneurysm.”

They group introduces themselves and it’s almost like they’re reading off a script. Like they’re in a play and they have to say the same words each night.

Connor tried to feel bad for everyone as they introduce themselves, but for some reason, he just can’t. Maybe he really is that emotionally distant. Maybe he is a sociopath who doesn’t care about other people’s feelings.

He can barely handle his own emotions, let alone a room full of stranger’s.

But it’s also like he’s been through so much already and he doesn’t know these people and he can’t force himself to get emotional for every sad person in the world.

News flash: all people are sad. A lot of people are depressed. The world is full of death and violence and anger.

Still, it’s hard to sit and watch these other kids talk about their dead parents. Some of them are tearing up.

One thing Connor does notice is that everyone’s parent died from something health related.

That’s unfair. Connor’s dad died from a car accident. Dead on scene. Head on collision. No hospital stay. No emergency surgery. Nothing.

“Connor?” Nick says.

All eyes turn to him. Connor sighs and tucks a piece of his hair behind his ear. “I’m Connor. My dad died in August. He was in a car wreck.”

“That sounds like it’s been difficult, Connor,” Nick says.

Connor shrugs and pulls at a thread on his hoodie. No one really says anything. Everyone kind of looks sad for him, but they’ve looked sad since the first girl opened her mouth.

“Well, I think it’s a good thing you’ve decided to reach out for help. The group is here so you can have a place to discuss your thoughts and feelings without being judged,” Nick says.

That’s a joke. People are always judging each other. But Connor doesn’t say that.

The group is. Okay. Nick doesn’t really talk much. He lets the group lead itself. It feels a little like a bragging contest. Like everyone is trying to one up each other. Like whoever has the most sad, most pathetic life wins.

It’s also hard to feel like he belongs. Connor feels like that in most settings, but it’s more heightened here. People are. Like. Sad. About their dead parents.

Like actually, genuinely sad. Not just guilty. Not just confused. They’re straight up sad and Lauren shows off her tattoo, which she got to remember her father.

It’s a tattoo of a drawing her dad made. She talks about how she was going through her dad’s closet a month after he died and found a box of old doodles and notes and her dad kept. She talks about how comforting it was to find another piece of her father that she didn’t know about, and then got the tattoo to keep his memory alive.

The story makes Connor angry. And jealous. It sounds too much like the perfect ending to a sad movie.

He’s thought about getting a tattoo to honor his father, and then became genuinely stumped trying to figure out what he would even get.

He doesn’t have anything meaningful. His dad didn’t leave behind anything special. His dad left behind old, half written grocery lists and signatures on receipts. It’s not like he left a note or anything for them to find. Nothing meaningful.

It’s not like there would have been a reason for him to leave a note. That’s the kind of thing people who commit suicide do. Not someone who was in a random accident.

Except Connor’s thought about it and decided years ago that he won’t leave a note. If he ever works up the courage to kill himself, he won’t leave a note. Not leaving a note almost says more than leaving a note.

He doesn’t want anyone to remember him for anything. He doesn’t want to leave a mark on the world. He knows his life is meaningless. He doesn’t need to leave behind a note that’ll have his family reading it over and over until it’s burned into their minds.

Connor used to imagine what he would write in a note. When he was 15 it was more focused on his anger toward the world. Something about how it’s not his mom’s fault and that he loves her, but he can’t continue on.

And then he got older. And angrier. And more resentful.

And then suddenly it was his mom’s fault and his dad’s fault and Zoe’s fault and it almost gave him the satisfaction to leave behind a note that would haunt them for the rest of their lives.

But now he doesn’t care. He doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t. He might leave Evan a note.

And then he starts thinking of killing himself and leaving Evan alone in this world and the thought makes him sick because Evan’s a good person and doesn’t deserve to be sad because his only friend is dead. Connor shouldn’t have befriended him out of kindness.

He also briefly thinks about how his mom would react to his death. He knows it would absolutely break her. He almost wants her to die too just so she wouldn’t have to suffer through his death.

He thinks of his mom finding his body. Finding him dead and lifeless on the ground. Finding his cuts. It was already painful having her find him passed out in a park. He knows he hurts her, but he doesn’t know how to stop.

Connor wishes he died years ago. Before he became a fuck up. Maybe he could have gotten cancer or been hit by a car and then he could have faded out of existence a long time ago and avoided all the pain. The pain he’s suffered through and the pain he caused his family.

The other kids in the support group are happy. Happy in the sense that they live normal lives and this is just a small setback. For Connor, it’s everything.

The support group ends without Connor saying much else. Nick reminds everyone that it’s the same time and place next week and he smiles at Connor before Connor can leave. He doesn’t like smiling at people because his smile probably looks weird and stupid.

The other kids in the group talk as they leave the building and Connor kind of trails behind them. They all seem friendly with each other and Connor still feels like an outsider. Even in a place where he belongs, he feels like an outsider.

Connor sits in his car for a moment to collect his thoughts. He didn’t know why he expected the support group to be a big thing. He was always expecting things to be bigger than they actually were. Like when he was a freshman and everything kept piling up and Connor thought there would be some big climax, but there never was. The shit in his life built up until he was suffocating, until he was drowning and thought he might actually die, but then the school year ended and nothing happened. He could breathe easier, but nothing happened.

Connor texts Evan.

_wyd_

_Just reading._

_wanna go driving?_

_Okay!!_

_see u in 30_

Nothing happened. Nothing happened at the support group.

Evan’s already outside when Connor pulls into the driveway. He gives a quick wave and walks over to the car.

“Hey,” Evan smiles at him. Climbs in.

“Hey,” Connor says.

He puts the car in reverse and starts down the street. It’s quiet for a second and Connor passes Evan his phone.

“You pick the music. My passcode is 4008.”

His passcode is the last four digits of his dad’s cell phone number. Connor changed it the day he died. He doesn’t mention that detail.

Evan fiddles with Connor’s phone for a second and then The Cramps start playing and Connor looks over at Evan with a smile.

“You have good taste,” Connor says.

“It’s your music on your phone,” Evan says. He smiles. “My mom used to listen to this kind of music when she was in college. We still have some of her old CD’s lying around the house.”

“I like older music. I know that makes me sound like some pretentious hipster, but I don’t know. I like knowing that people have always,” Connor trails off a bit. He doesn’t really know how to word himself. He’s never had to explain himself to other people before. He changes his train of thought. “One of their albums is called Bad Music for Bad People. I thought it was fitting.”

Evan frowns. “You’re not a bad person.”

“Sure.”

“No, you’re not.”

Connor thinks about the years he’s spent lying and mistreating his family. Zoe yelled out the word abuse once and that stuck with Connor more than he likes to admit.

He’s not abusive. He’s just.

A dick. A Jerk. An Asshole.

A bad person.

“I went to the support group tonight,” Connor says instead.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. It was. I don’t know. Weird.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know. Being around people so willing to talk about this. I’m not willing to talk about anything.”

Evan doesn’t say anything so Connor keeps talking.

“Everyone in the group is just. So fucking normal. It’s really annoying. They’re normal kids who just had one bad thing happen, and then here I am trying to figure out if I’m depressed or just grieving.”

Evan reaches out and moves his hand to press against Connor’s, which is resting on the center console. Connor breathes a little easier.

“I’m sorry,” Evan says softly. It’s different from the other times he apologizes. He usually apologizes like reflex, but he sounds thoughtful. And truly sorry for what Connor’s going through.

Connor traces his fingers against Evan’s hand. Just feeling his skin. It grounds him. “I wish we became friends years ago.”

Evan lets out a deep breath. “Me too.”

They keep driving. They don’t talk much more, but it’s okay because they listen to music together and they almost hold hands and it’s enough. It’s everything.


	10. I Know What You're Going Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan opens up to Connor. The boys talk about sad stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back with a kind of long chapter. Enjoy!! I'm also on a train to nyc right now. Seeing DEH in a couple days (for the 5th time... I know.) Super stoked.
> 
> Also let me know what you think about this chapter/the story in general!! Thanks :)
> 
> Title is from Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet by Fall Out Boy. Because every single title is from a FOB song. Apparently. No Shame.

If you die I’ll kill you.

His mom used to say that a lot. To his dad.

Kind of as a joke. Like when years ago, on a skiing trip, his dad had a small accident and ended up in the hospital overnight. Connor remembers how his mom rushed into the hospital room, kissed his dad, and said, “If you die I’ll kill you.”

She said it with a smile and tears in her eyes.

And then his dad’s response. “I’m not going anywhere for a long time.”

Liar.

Connor heard her say it plenty of times over the years.

At a family friend’s house about a year ago. His parents chatting and laughing. His mom placing a hand on his dad’s leg and saying, “I always tell Larry that if he dies I’ll kill him.”

The rest of the adults laughing. Zoe sitting off on the side smiling and looking happy. Even if she wasn’t.

His mom doesn’t smile anymore. Not really. She cries and cries and cries at night when she thinks they can’t hear.

Connor feels bad for ignoring her, but that’s exactly how she treats him. Ignores him. She knows he’s hurting and she leaves him alone. Parents are supposed to protect their children and it’s like she completely gave up. Left Connor to fend for himself.

Fighting a war and maybe one day he’ll lose and then maybe she’ll regret not helping him.

His mind switches and he thinks about his dad’s firm and how there’s a new guy using his dad’s office. Sitting at his dad’s desk. Sitting at a dead man’s desk. Working a dead man’s job.

Apparently the firm left candles and flowers outside of his dad’s office for a few days. Some sort of memorial. Connor thinks it must have been weird to clean up all those flowers.

The flowers would die eventually. No one wants to take down a memorial for a dead person.

It’s kind of like when some tragedy hurts the world and then everyone changes their Facebook profile picture to support the tragedy. But eventually people stop caring and they get rid of their supportive profile picture because out of sight out of mind.

The CEO from his dad’s firm sent them a gift basket. Flowers and cookies and chocolates and a nice card that had his mom in tears.

One of his dad’s friends from work stops by and gives his mom a book. Each page is filled with things his coworkers wrote about him. What they’ll miss about him.

Connor sits in his bedroom at two in the morning and tears up after reading the first entry. And then he’s full on crying with sadness and anger by the fourth entry.

The consensus is that his dad was a genuinely kind and patient person. Always willing to help. Always looking out for other people.

A funny, kind, and perfect person who will be dearly missed.

A lot of the entries also talk about how much his dad loved his family. How he took so much pride in them. How much he loved Zoe and Connor.

It can’t be true. None of this can be true. If his dad was so proud then why did he never show it?

_“I know my son. He will do fine.”_

Bull. Fucking. Shit. His dad hated him.

Maybe.

A lot of the entries also describe his dad the way Connor would describe himself. Connor used to think he was completely unlike his parents and now it’s weird to find out that maybe he’s more like them than he thought.

_“Don’t worry. You show up. You do your best. Things will turn out just fine.”_

One entry talks about how his dad apparently said that phrase a lot. Whenever things were falling apart or becoming too stressful. It was apparently his dad’s motto.

He tries to picture his dad saying those words and maybe he can, but he also just cannot remember his dad’s voice.

Why was his dad so insistent on helping other people when he didn’t care that Connor was suffering?

Just wait for things to blow over because eventually they’ll be fine. Wait and see. Let’s wait and see.

Right, Larry?

Wednesday morning. Breakfast. Connor’s picking at his nail polish. He finally fell asleep somewhere around four in the morning and woke up at six to his alarm.

Connor walks into the kitchen and sits at the table across from Zoe. She’s eating cereal and reading a book. His mom is shuffling around the kitchen, cooking and cleaning and doing dishes. Connor rests his head on the table.

“I could make you coffee,” his mom says from across the room. They haven’t used the coffee maker in months because his dad was the only one in the family who drank coffee.

Connor doesn’t really say anything and he picks his head up. Glances at his nails. He repainted them during the night when he couldn’t sleep.

“You know Dad’s dead, right,” Zoe says. She sounds exhausted and angry. All rolled up into one. Connor knows how that feels.

He looks at her. “Yeah?”

“You don’t have to paint your nails anymore. He’s not around to see it and get upset.”

Connor stops. Almost in disbelief. Because when he first started painting his nails, he was 16 and it was funny to see his dad get so upset over nail polish. But Connor grew to like it. It almost felt like a part of his identity now.

“Why are you such a fucking bitch?” Connor says instead.

“Fuck you.”

“Zoe, please,” his mom is saying. Desperate.

“Whatever. I’m leaving,” Connor says, grabbing his backpack and marching out of the kitchen.

He slams the door and drives off in his car as quickly as possible.

He drives to Evan’s house and sits in the driveway for a second. He’s a half hour earlier than normal and he counts to ten before getting out of the car and ringing the doorbell.

Evan opens the door with one sock on and a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. His hair is messy and the top buttons of his flannel are undone. He has a surprising amount of hair on his chest, but Connor forces himself not to stare so he ends up awkwardly looking off to the side and trying not to think about Evan’s chest.

“Hey,” Evan says, the word mumbled by his toothbrush. He gestures for Connor to come in.

“Hey. Sorry I’m early. Zoe was being a bitch,” he says, dropping himself on the couch.

Evan frowns at him and holds up a finger before running up the stairs. Connor watches him go and then pulls out his phone.

Evan returns a few minutes later. Shirt buttoned. Toothbrush gone. Socks and shoes on. He sits on the couch and rests his leg against Connor’s.

“What did Zoe do?” he asks.

Connor shrugs. “I don’t know. Just more pointless fighting. She tries to pick fights with me all the time because it’s like she knows I’ll get angry. I don’t know,” he says. Mumbles.

Evan frowns and drags his finger along the seam of his jeans. His finger bumps against Connor’s leg a few times. “That really sucks.”

“Yup.”

Evan keeps bouncing his leg. “My dad called me yesterday.”

“Yikes.”

“We don’t talk much. But he said he wants me to visit this summer.”

“How do you feel about that?”

Evan shrugs. Digs his nails into his palm. “I don’t know. It’s weird. I just. It’s. Um.”

“You shouldn’t visit if you don’t want to.”

Evan looks at him. “My stepmom is pregnant.”

“Oh. Wow.”

“I know.”

Connor laughs a little bit out of shock and then stops when he realizes Evan looks terrified. As though he were an expectant father rather than an expectant sibling.

“She’s 18 weeks. Whatever that means,” Evan says. He shrugs. “A few months? I don’t know. They just found out and now my dad wants me. To like. Visit. I don’t know. He didn’t try to involve me when the other kids were born.”

Connor nods and tries to wrap his head around this. He wants to congratulate Evan, but that’s probably not the right thing to say. Even though Connor is the king of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

“I guess it’s because she got pregnant right away the first time. My stepmom. My dad left and then she had Nathan a few months later.” Evan pauses and then flops against the back of the couch. “None of this is fair.”

Connor lies back with him. “I know. I’m sorry. That sucks.”

Evan lets out a bitter laugh. “Here I am complaining about my dad when yours isn’t even alive. I’m an asshole.” And not even a second later, “oh my god, I can’t believe I just said that. Oh my god, I am so sorry.”

Connor turns his head and Evan looks horrified.

“Connor, really, I’m so sorry.”

“You’re fine.” He thinks maybe he’s supposed to be upset at what Evan said, but he also doesn’t really care. He just doesn’t care about anything.

He cares about nothing and everything. He feels too much, but he’s also numb. His entire life is black and white and Connor is just confused. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to feel.

Evan’s still looking at him with this sad, regretful expression so Connor grabs his backpack and makes some comment about getting to school. Evan follows him, but he’s silent on the drive over.

They walk into the school together and it’s nice because Connor used to walk through the hallways alone. One therapist he met years ago told Connor that he was fighting a battle on his own. But now he has Evan. And they’re fighting their battles together. Still alone, but now side by side and it’s a little easier.

Connor sees Zoe standing at her locker, and just the sight of her makes him angry all over again. Maybe in a world without consequences he’d march over to her and slam her head into the locker.

He shakes the thought from his head.

There were times in the past where they got physical. It was mostly Connor who started it. He can’t blame her. Once he pushed her down and she smacked her head against the coffee table. Another time she slapped him because he punched her.

Their parents installed a lock on her door by the time she was 12.

He hates himself. He can’t blame her for hating him.

“You okay?” Evan asks.

Connor glances over and sees Evan looking concerned. He shrugs and walks off in the other direction. Evan follows.

At least their dad never got physical.

In gym, Jared pretty much ignores them except for one moment when Connor looks over and makes eye contact and Jared gives him the finger. Connor rolls his eyes.

Asshole.

Evan doesn’t seem to notice, which is good. Connor wants to protect him even though Evan suffers anyway. Just another thing he failed at. Keeping Evan safe. Even though that’s not really his job.

At the end of the day, Connor drives Evan home. He wants to hang out, but Evan says his mom is planning on taking the night off to spend time with him. Apparently his mom works a lot and they don’t get much time together. Connor wants to bitterly offer up his own mother to go spend time with Evan, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead he just drops off Evan at his house and kind of weirdly runs his fingers against the back of Evan’s hand for a few seconds before Evan gets out of the car.

Connor drives home and walks into his house to find his mom and Zoe chatting in the family room. Connor gets a snack from the kitchen.

“It’s not even that far, Mom,” Zoe says.

Connor takes a seat at the table and decides to listen in on the conversation. He doesn’t really care what Zoe’s talking about, but they used to fight about the other one eavesdropping. So now he does it without a second thought. Just to bother her. Because he’s an asshole.

“Yeah, but it’s New York,” his mom says.

“I’ve been there a million times.”

“With me or your father. I don’t know how I feel about you going alone.”

“Not alone, I’d be with Alana.”

Connor frowns. Why is Alana Beck suddenly so obsessed with his family?

His mom sighs.

“I want to go to college in the city anyway,” Zoe says. “This is just good practice.”

“Fine, I guess you can go,” his mom sighs. She always gave in easily.

“Thanks, Mom.”

Connor can hear the smile in her voice.

He also feels a little sick. Zoe wants to go to college in the same city as him. Makes sense. He can’t help but feel bitter. It’s like no matter where he goes he can’t escape her. He can’t escape his life.

New York City isn’t big enough for the two of them. The whole goddamn world isn’t big enough.

His mom comes into the kitchen and takes a seat at the table. She flips open a magazine. “Your sister is visiting schools in New York with a friend.” She doesn’t look at Connor.

He stares at her.

“Maybe we should go on a few college tours,” she tries.

Connor doesn’t say anything. The guidance counselors at his school had been pushing the idea of college tours from the beginning of junior year. Connor just. Never planned that far out. Like. His future shouldn’t matter if he’s planning to be dead anyway.

Not that he has a plan to kill himself. But he doesn’t have a plan to live either.

“I guess,” Connor finally says.

Now she looks at him. “How do you feel about looking at the community college?”

He’s barely passing high school so it makes sense that he would just become a burnout who gets high and lives with his mom and barely passes community college. He hates what he’s turning into, but he also doesn’t know how to change himself.

“I don’t care.”

She looks away from him and back at her magazine. “You should care, Connor.”

Zoe enters the kitchen and Connor stands up to leave. They try not to be in the same room together if they can help it. Some kind of silent agreement they made years ago.

Connor goes to his room and researches the admissions requirements of as many schools as possible before falling asleep with his laptop resting on his stomach. He wakes up an hour later and opens up a blank word document and tries to think about writing his college essay.

_My dad died and it really fucked with me, but I was already fucked up to begin with._

Are you allowed to swear in a college essay?

Evan texts him.

_Hey. Can you come pick me up?_

_yeah what’s up_

_Got into a fight with my mom. Had a panic attack._

_Lol._

_I can’t be at home right now._

_Sorry you’re probably busy and I’m being stupid._

_on my way. be ready in five._

Connor gets to Evan’s house in record time and Evan’s already in the driveway. He gets into the car the second Connor pulls up and rubs his face. He has his backpack with him.

“You alright?” Connor asks.

“Please just start driving,” Evan says.

So Connor does and he doesn’t mention the backpack or the tears that he sees in the corner of Evan’s eyes or the way Evan breathes a little quicker than normal. Instead he plays music and leaves his hand resting on the center console, palm up.

Evan’s hand eventually finds its way to Connor’s.

After driving around for a while, Evan’s breathing seems to have evened out and Connor starts heading back to his house. He pulls into the garage and walks into his house. Evan follows him.

It’s only the second time Evan’s been at his house so it’s still weird. And new.

There’s no one downstairs and the lights are off. Connor sits at the island and Evan stands in the middle of the kitchen holding his backpack.

“You want any food?” Connor asks.

Evan shakes his head. “Can I sleep over?”

“Sure.” Connor looks in the fridge and grabs a container of leftover pasta. He heats it up and then grabs two forks anyway.

Evan takes the fork silently and they eat together. He forces himself to have a few bites of food, and Connor realizes this must be how his mom feels whenever she forces him to eat.

“So,” Connor starts. He clears his throat. “You wanna tell me what happened with your mom?”

Evan looks down. Shrugs. “Just fought with her. Which we never do. Like we don’t. We’re, um, we’re not the most. We don’t have the best relationship. But we never fight. We never yell and then she raised her voice at me and it was.” He trails off. Stops talking. Shakes his head and there are tears in his eyes again and Connor puts a hand on his shoulder.

“I totally, like, just. Cut up my leg after that. Like. Shit. Probably a mistake,” Evan mumbles.

Connor feels his heart breaking. He can’t protect Evan. “Shit.” Evan doesn’t deserve any of this.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. I’m so,” he trails off again. But Connor knows what he means.

“Do you need any bandaids or anything?”

Evan shakes his head.

“Because we have minion bandaids. For some reason. My mom bought them.”

Now Evan’s smiling. “I guess there’s no point to cutting if you can’t use a minion bandaid.”

“Yeah, hang on, let me get my pocket knife.”

They’re laughing. And then Zoe walks into the kitchen. Connor’s blood runs cold.

Did she hear?

She looks between Evan and Connor and then grabs a water bottle from the fridge. She takes a sip and pauses. “Hey Evan.”

“Hi, um, hey,” he stumbles.

It’s quiet while the three of them stand there. Like they’re all waiting for one of them to start the conversation. But Connor has nothing to say to her.

He turns to Evan. “Wanna go to my room?”

Evan tears his eyes away from Zoe and nods. He grabs his backpack and follows Connor who shuts his door and locks it.

They sit on the bed together and Connor rests a hand on Evan’s arm. They sit like that for a bit. No talking or smiling or laughing. Connor hopes he’s enough for Evan. Hopes he’s giving him enough. He’d give the world to Evan if he could, but right now he just sits. Quiet. Hopefully, maybe, it’s enough.

After a while Connor suggests they change into pajamas and Evan nods. Mentions that he brought clothes with him. Connor offers to change in the bathroom and he tries not to think about Evan changing.

There’s a small argument when Connor offers his bed for Evan to sleep in and Evan refuses because he’s the guest and it’s Connor’s bed. And then Connor suggests Evan sleep in the guest room and Evan agrees, but then they climb into Connor’s bed together anyway. Just to talk before going to sleep.

It’s bigger than Evan’s twin bed and they sit side by side with their backs against the headboard. Evan says that when he’s tired he’ll make his way to the guest room, but for now they lay in bed together.

Connor can’t stop repeating that phrase in his head. He and Evan are in bed together. Which makes it sound sketchier than it actually is.

Evan rests his head on Connor’s shoulder. “I’m gonna tell you something and you can’t freak out.”

“Okay.”

Evan grabs Connor’s hand and squeezes tightly. Shuts his eyes. “I tried to kill myself over the summer.”

Connor finds himself nodding even though Evan isn’t looking at him and takes a deep breath. He suspected because of their conversation from a while ago, but having that confirmed is just. A lot. He tries to wrap his head around the idea that Evan doesn’t think he belongs in the world. Evan doesn’t think that he deserves to be here.

“I just felt so alone,” Evan continues. “And, like, I didn’t even really plan it. I was. I was at the park and it was near the end of summer and I was dreading coming back to school because I would have no friends and nobody likes me or cares about me and the idea of college and paying for college was making me have panic attacks, like, everyday and I just. I just. I let go.”

Connor intertwines his fingers with Evan’s. Like maybe he can hold Evan tightly enough to put all the broken pieces back together.

“It was one of the last days of my internship. And I was climbing this 40-foot tall oak tree. I just wanted to see what the world would look like from all the way up there. People say that being up high gives you perspective, but I don’t know. I still wanted to die. So I just,” he stops. “And nobody came. I was just on the ground and my mom wouldn’t answer her phone and so my boss drove me to the hospital.”

“I’m,” Connor pauses. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”

“Not your fault. We weren’t friends.”

“Yeah, but.”

“Can’t change the past, Connor,” Evan says. Laughs bitterly. “You’re here now.”

Connor nods and shuffles his body closer to Evan’s. As if they weren’t already pressed up against each other.

“My mom doesn’t know,” Evan says after a while. “I was in the hospital alone for three hours until she came running into the emergency room. But I think everything changed after that. I’ve been so cold to her lately.”

“I’ve been cold to my parents since I was a freshman,” Connor says. “My parents know about my depression. I think it was, like, obvious for years, but I when I was 15 I just got so sick of it. So fucking exhausted. I told my guidance counselor I was depressed and he called my parents. They didn’t do anything. They didn’t try talking to me about it. They didn’t fucking care. The only time they sent me to therapy was when my grades were shit, but they didn’t make me go back. My dad thought therapy was a waste of time. Like I would suddenly become perfect after three sessions.”

He didn’t expect to open up this much. He never did. He was showing the worst parts of himself, but so was Evan.

“I’ve just been so angry at my mom since my attempt. I know she works a lot to pay the bills and she’s going back to school to get a better job, but still. She was planning to take off work today, but she didn’t and I got really mad and we just,” Evan stops himself. He turns his head to bury his face in Connor’s neck. “She doesn’t notice.”

“I know,” Connor says softly. Because he does. He knows what it’s like to be disappointed over and over and over again. Then he became the disappointment.

They lay there for a while and eventually Connor looks over and sees Evan has fallen asleep. He looks more peaceful like this. Younger. Innocent.

Connor thinks about going to the guest room and falling asleep there and giving Evan his bed, but. He doesn’t. He just. Stays. Because he thinks maybe that Evan needs this. Maybe Evan needs someone to stay by his side and prove that they’re not going anywhere.

And maybe Connor needs that too. Maybe they can be what the other needs. Maybe they can both finally have someone.


	11. If You're Lost Just Look For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor thinks about apologizing to Zoe. Poor girl's had it rough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo y’all here’s another update. I’m back from nyc :( but deh was amazing!! As always. I’m actually seeing it again in a couple weeks with my friend lmao. Anyway.
> 
> Enjoy this new chapter. The next one is gonna be super sad and angsty. Also this story just hit 40k words and like I still have so much more to write. So buckle in for that.
> 
> Please leave a comment and tell me what you think!!
> 
> Title is from Walking in the Wind by One Direction.

Connor wakes up at five in the morning to an empty bed. He probably shouldn’t be disappointed, but he is anyway. He sneaks down the hall to the guest room to make sure Evan is still there, and breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees Evan sleeping in the guest bed.

And if he stares for a few extra moments then nobody needs to know.

The thought of climbing into the guest bed with Evan is tempting, but Connor forces himself to retreat back to his own room. He wouldn’t want to make Evan uncomfortable or have his mom walk in on them.

Or have Zoe walk in on them. God, that would be a nightmare.

It was already awkward enough running into her in the kitchen last night. Evan always seems to be extra nervous around her. Though, Evan is typically nervous around people he doesn’t know very well.

He doesn’t seem to be that nervous around Connor anymore. Which warms Connor’s heart. He likes the idea of Evan being comfortable around him. He always feels more comfortable when he’s with Evan.

Connor can’t bring himself to fall back to sleep so he messes around on his laptop for a while. He used to have bad insomnia when he was 15, but it’s gotten better in the past couple of years. At least now he can usually manage to sleep more than five hours every night.

He’s better than he used to be, but he’s also lightyears away from being a normal, functioning person.

It’s like. Things went from hopeless to okay and then back to terrible. He’s not the same person he was when he was 15. He’s not the kid who fights with his parents constantly and threatens his sister.

He kind of just stopped caring. He still hurts, himself and those around him, but he’s also grown up a bit. Now he keeps to himself.

Connor waits until 6:30 to get out of bed. He changes and then goes to his mom’s room. He knocks and she opens the door with a wide smile. Already dressed in workout clothes and her hair tied back perfectly. He doesn’t know how she can smile this much.

“Hi sweetie. Want me to get started on breakfast?” she asks.

He shakes his head. “No, um, so,” he pauses and wonders how he’s going to word this. “Evan kind of had a fight with his mom last night so I let him sleep over. Sorry, it was really late. He’s in the guest room. Just wanted to let you know.”

His mom looks surprised, but smiles. It’s not every day that Connor has a friend over or volunteers information to her. “No problem. That’s so nice of you to help out your friend, honey. I can start breakfast right now. Do you know if he has any allergies? Does he like scrambled eggs?”

Connor shrugs. Takes a step back. Keep the distance. “I don’t know. Eggs are fine.”

His mom is way too excited about Connor having a friend over. She always loved entertaining guests. “Perfect. Oh, that’s perfect. I’ll have it ready for you boys in about ten minutes.”

“Thanks Mom,” Connor says, already turning to the guest room.

He walks into the guest room and sees Evan still asleep. Connor shakes Evan’s shoulder as gently as he can.

“Evan. Hey,” Connor says softly.

Evan blinks a few times and shoves his head back into the pillow. “Hey,” he mumbles.

His voice is deeper than it normally is and Connor tries not to think about that too much. “My mom’s making breakfast.”

A beat. “Fuck.”

Connor chuckles. “I mean, her cooking isn’t that bad.”

“No, no. I meant. Um. I just,” Evan sighs and sits up in bed. His hair is all over the place and Connor wants to run his fingers through it. “God. I’m gonna have to have some big talk with my mom about our fight and I really don’t want to do that. I’m still pissed at her.”

Connor sighs and then climbs into bed next to Evan. Grabs his hand. “Can I be a hypocrite and offer advice?”

“Go for it.”

“You should talk to your mom and tell her how you’re feeling. It might not change anything, but it might be good to get those feelings out in the open.”

Evan pauses. “You’re right, you are a hypocrite.”

Connor laughs. “Dude, I told you.”

Evan laughs too and then there’s a knock at the door and Connor shoots himself out of the bed as quickly as possible. He opens the door and Zoe is standing there.

“Hi?” Connor says, but it comes out sounding like a question.

She stares at him like she’s trying to figure him out. “Mom wanted me to tell you guys that breakfast is almost ready.”

Connor nods and looks back to Evan who’s tracing the pattern of the comforter. “Okay, thanks.”

She nods. “Sure.” And then she gives one final look to Evan before leaving the room.

Evan looks up once she leaves. “So I’ll just,” he pauses. Glances away.

Connor blushes and backs out of the room. “Yeah, I’ll just. I’ll, um. Get me when you’re ready,” he says and then walks down the hall to his own bedroom.

Evan knocks on his door a few minutes later and they head downstairs. There are four plates at the table. It’s weirdly normal to see his mom set out four plates. Connor wasn’t ever really used to seeing her set out three plates. Not that he ate meals with his family that regularly. But if his dad was still here then she would have had to set out five plates this morning and they only have four spots at the kitchen table.

Connor takes a seat at his normal place and Evan stands around for a moment before taking a seat in between him and Zoe.

Zoe’s eating cereal. Staring at the table. She looks angry. It’s how she always looks at home. Their mom places a gentle hand on her shoulder and Zoe shrugs her off. She never did that with their dad.

Zoe’s angry. She’s been angry for years. And now the person who was on her team, their dad, is gone.

Evan starts eating, but Connor can’t take his eyes off of Zoe. He feels bad for her.

There’s an old home movie from the day Zoe was born. Their mom in the hospital bed holding her. Zoe sleeping and wearing a tiny, pink hat. Their dad holding Connor. Introducing him to his baby sister.

Many years ago his dad transferred all their home movies onto a single DVD and his mom insisted on watching some of them. Connor stood in the doorway and watched it unfold.

“Connor, this is Zoe,” his dad said in the video.

Connor looked down at her and then back up at his dad. She was tiny. Born three weeks early and came on February 15th. Exactly one year and two months after Connor.

“You’re a big brother now, buddy. Her big brother. It’s your job to protect her. Keep her safe.”

“Safe,” Connor repeated, still staring down at her.

And then 14 years later, Connor was screaming at her that he was going to kill her.

Now they sit at the breakfast table. They coexist. She’s angry and Connor hates himself for being a horrible brother. He doesn’t know how to make things better. He doesn’t know if she wants that.

She probably doesn’t. She definitely doesn’t. She’s probably just waiting to go off to college so she’ll never have to see him again. Maybe she’s waiting for him to finally kill himself.

“This is really good, Mrs. Murphy,” Evan says.

Connor and Zoe both look over and he’s shoveling eggs into his mouth. Like he feels so awkward that all he can do is eat. Connor’s barely touched his food.

He glances over to Zoe who makes eye contact with him. He tries to give her a tiny smile, but she just looks down at her cereal as quickly as possible. Connor frowns.

“Thank you, Evan,” his mom says. She walks over and places a hand on his shoulder. He flinches slightly, but then relaxes. “See, guys, someone likes my cooking,” she jokes.

Connor gives her some kind of fake half smile and starts eating. His mom’s cooking isn’t awful, but it is some kind of long running joke in their family that his mom can’t cook. He doesn’t know when the joke originated, but it stopped being funny when he started hating his parents.

Zoe never seemed to find any of their family’s jokes funny. She always gave an empty laugh. Never fully committed at all. But her fake laughs were convincing and their parents bought them.

“Thank you so much for letting me spend the night,” Evan continues. “I really appreciate it.”

“Of course. You are welcome here any time, Evan.”

His mom looks so happy she may burst. Connor can’t really blame her. He hasn’t brought a friend over in years and Zoe stopped inviting people over back in middle school. Connor thinks it’s because she’s probably embarrassed of their family. He can’t blame her either.

“I’m leaving,” Zoe suddenly says. She’s grabbing her backpack and dumping the rest of her cereal in the sink.

“But school doesn’t start for another 45 minutes,” their mom says.

“Yeah, but I told Haley that I would lend her my physics notes so I have to go now.”

It’s clearly a lie, but Connor doesn’t say anything. He’s the king of lying to parents. Specifically their parents.

“Well, alright,” their mom says.

Connor watches Zoe walk out and he feels sad for her. She really doesn’t spend much time at home. He made their house a bad place for her. Because he’s a bad person.

He feels a light touch on his thigh and glances over and Evan’s giving him a concerned look. Connor tenses up as he looks to his mom who has started on dishes. Thankfully, she doesn’t seem to notice.

Evan tilts his head and Connor just kind of shrugs and shakes his head. He throws his napkin on top of his plate and stands up. Evan follows.

“We’re going upstairs,” Connor says and he leads Evan out of the room before his mom can say anything.

They’re in the bathroom brushing their teeth together. They fell asleep together in Connor’s bed last night, but this weirdly feels more intimate. He’s watching the process of Evan getting ready to face the world. They’re showing that side to each other. It feels real and sometimes he forgets he’s a real person.

They head downstairs a few minutes later and his mom catches them before they can head out the door.

“Have a good day, boys,” she says to them.

Connor gives her a nod and Evan flashes her a polite smile.

They get to school and hang out in the back stairwell for a few minutes until the bell rings. Connor walks Evan to his class and then goes and sits in the library. He promises himself he’ll go to his next class, but right now he just needs to rest his head. He’s tired.

He meets Evan in their English class later and they sit together and Connor knocks his foot against Evan’s a few times. He almost can’t help himself because each time he does, Evan gets a tiny smile on his face. Connor wants to do anything he can to make Evan smile.

At the end of the day they meet by Connor’s car in the senior parking lot. He has a cigarette out by the time they get into the car. He used to be super careful about smoking. He was terrified about his parents finding out.

He doesn’t remember how they found out about the smoking. But somehow they did. And they never did anything to stop him.

“Do you wanna come over again?” Connor asks. Hopeful.

Evan sighs. “I wanna, but I should probably go home. My mom’s there and I think I should apologize to her. I said some pretty harsh things.”

Connor nods, but he doesn’t really understand. He’s shouted awful things at his parents in the past and never apologized. They all moved on. Took the bad and buried it.

“But we should hang out later. Or maybe tomorrow,” Evan says quickly.

Connor nods again. He drops Evan off at home and then drives back to his house. His mom is in the kitchen when he walks in. She doesn’t look happy, but then again, she’s always looking miserable these days.

“Connor,” his mom says.

Her voice is sharp and he’s immediately worried she found his weed again. Or the few missing pills. He nods at her.

“I got a call from the school today. They said you didn’t show up for your first three classes. Is that true?”

Connor shrugs.

His mom sighs. “Connor, we talked about this. I thought you were getting better. You can’t be skipping your classes.”

“Mom, it was three classes. It literally doesn’t matter.”

“When your GPA under a 2.5 it does matter. How do you expect to get into college with this kind of track record?”

He doesn’t. He never planned for college. So he just shrugs again.

“If your father were here he would not stand for this,” she says.

He rolls his eyes. “If dad were here he would be yelling at both of us.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I don’t know why everyone is going around pretending he was a goddamn saint,” Connor says. He wonders if that’s what would happen if he died instead. Would his mom go around mourning him the way she’s mourning his dad?

“He was a good man,” she defends.

People keep saying that. Saying that his dad was a genuinely good person. “No, he wasn’t.”

His mom is starting to cry. “Connor.”

“He hated me! You both fucking hate me! None of that changes just because he was in a car accident.”

“Connor Murphy!”

“God, I hate this fucking family!” Connor yells. And he turns on his heel and marches out of the house. Slams the door. Speeds down the street and out of his neighborhood and out of his town. He wishes he could speed out of his life. Or out of life in general.

He drives down the highway for a while and eventually takes a random exit and pulls over in a gas station. He’s frustrated and sad and angry and confused and he wishes he could go a week without having some kind of episode. He wishes he were a normal fucking person.

He calls Evan who picks up on the first ring. “Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Connor pauses. “How’s it going?”

“Good.” A beat. “I apologized to my mom.”

“Oh. Good. How did that go?”

“It was okay. I guess. I don’t know. I was going to tell her about my attempt, but then I chickened out.”

“That sucks.”

“I want to tell her, but I just also want her to notice. Like. How is it that I’m invisible even to my own mother?”

Connor sighs because he knows exactly what that feels like. “I know how you feel. I felt so abandoned by my parents so I just kind of cut them out. Pushed them away.”

Evan chuckles. “Wow, I love being the sad, pathetic, anxious kid who can’t even get his mom to notice him.”

“Well, I love being the sad, emo kid with a dead dad.”

They both laugh. Connor wishes he were with Evan so he could hold his hand. Or something.

“We should go to the orchard,” Connor says.

“Okay,” Evan says. His voice instantly sounds brighter.

“Okay,” Connor says again. “Be there soon.”

He drives to Evan’s house and picks him up and they let their arms brush against each other on the drive over. They walk to the middle of the empty field with their hands knocking together every few moments.

They sit for a while in silence and watch the sunset. They hold hands. Evan’s hands are always a little warm and a little sweaty, but Connor doesn’t mind. He really likes it.

It grows dark and they move to lie down. Side by side. They’re still holding hands.

“Can I ask you something?” Evan asks.

His heart picks up. “Anything.”

Evan rolls over and rests his head next to Connor’s. Stares into his eyes. Connor rests a hand in Evan’s hair. They’ve been touching a lot more than usual.

“Why do you and Zoe hate each other?”

Connor freezes. His parents have asked him, yelled at him, begged him for an answer and he just always yelled back that she was a bitch. And she gave him reasons to hate her. Like teasing him and throwing things at him and yelling at him to die. He knows she doesn’t mean those harsh words. At least she didn’t at first. Connor doesn’t really know what to think anymore.

“We got along really well when we were little. Practically inseparable. I used to sleep in her bed with her every night because she was scared of the dark,” Connor says. He smiles. He hasn’t thought about those memories in years.

There used to be a picture of the two of them sleeping in Zoe’s toddler bed together. Connor, three. Zoe, two. They were wearing matching pajamas and holding hands.

Connor found the picture when he was 15. He ripped it up stuffed it in the bottom of the trash. He watched the garbage truck come the next morning and smiled to himself. His parents never mentioned the missing picture. They probably never noticed.

“Then we grew up, I guess. I started getting bad in middle school and I was taking it out on her. Just stupid, little things, but it all kind of added up. I started avoiding her because I knew all I did was hurt her. She doesn’t deserve that. I would kill myself just so she wouldn’t have to grow up with me,” Connor says. He’s not looking at Evan. He can’t.

“I’m sorry.”

Connor sighs and then they’re quiet again. He doesn’t deserve Evan’s pity.

“You should apologize to Zoe.”

He laughs bitterly. “I don’t know where I would even start.”

“Start with something small.” Connor kind of rolls his eyes and Evan keeps talking. “You know it’s not too late to fix things with her. And your mom,” he says.

Connor’s had a lot of people in his life tell him that. It usually makes him angry. He tries not to get angry at Evan. “I don’t know. Some days it feels like there’s too much damage.”

Evan gives him this sad look and then his voice goes soft. “What if your mom and Zoe die tomorrow?”

Connor doesn’t say anything. He’s thought about that a lot. His dad died and it fucked him up. He hates that he has to go the rest of his life without any type of closure. He’s going to die with his stupid daddy issues.

“I’ll talk to my mom if you talk to Zoe.”

Evan smiles and turns his head to look up at the sky and Connor can’t take his eyes off his face. Maybe in the light of the day he’d keep himself from blatantly staring at Evan. But right now it’s dark and they’re lying in the orchard together and it’s just them. Only them. He can pretend they’re the only two people on the planet. Connor lets down his walls. He allows himself to stare at Evan.

“I’ll talk to Zoe.”

“Good.”

“And you’ll talk to your mom?”

Evan turns his head again. Moves slightly closer so their foreheads are touching. “I’ll talk to her. I promise.”

Connor can feel Evan’s breath on his face and he feels like he might be losing his mind. He desperately wants to just lean forward and kiss Evan, but he’s also terrified. He’s terrified of what that means and he’s terrified of Evan’s reaction. There’s definitely no way Evan wants that.

He was 14 when he started questioning his sexuality. Eighth grade. There was a boy in his English class who was loud and cute and told funny stories. There were more boys like that throughout the years. Boys who he fixated on. Boys he wanted to talk to and stare at and be with and kiss.

Those thoughts only became more intense as he grew up. He started thinking about dating boys and having sex with them and marrying them. But those thoughts were too scary and too real so he pushed them away. And they were easy to push away because Connor was certain no boy would be interested in him anyway.

But now he’s here with Evan who is staring intensely in his eyes and all Connor wants to do is kiss him. He’s never kissed anyone, but right now he wants to climb on top of Evan and make out with him for three hours.

So maybe Connor is gay. And maybe he can’t stop thinking about kissing Evan.

He decides to push the thought away. He’ll worry about that later. Right now he has to think about how he’s going to apologize to Zoe. How he’s going to apologize for putting her through hell the past ten years.

Connor closes his eyes and pushes those thoughts away too. It’s like his brain is always on and always thinking, but Evan can give him one look and make him instantly at ease. Kissing Evan would probably ruin everything, but then again, Connor doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to making decisions.


	12. Everyone Deserves the Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor fights with Zoe and says some harsh things. Also the boys are soft.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi enjoy this chapter I wrote. It’s pretty long. I want to give Zoe a hug I love her so much the poor girl. Also Laura Dreyfuss left deh and I am sad.
> 
> I hope this is good and in character and you enjoy!! Let me know what you think!!
> 
> Title is from Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends by Fall Out Boy.

It starts drizzling so they move to Connor’s car and sit in the parking lot for a while. They’re still holding hands and Connor thinks he could stay like this forever. He wants forever with Evan.

And then Connor’s hit with the weird thought that now he can’t die. He can’t die if he wants to spend time with and be with Evan.

He’s had thoughts like this before. Like the time when he was 14 and visiting New York City with his family and feeling miserable. He was ready to die, but then he looked around and realized that he wanted to live in the city one day. The idea of living there and having the freedom he desperately craved was so exciting to him, and then he was hit with the realization that he would have to stay alive for that experience. He can’t kill himself because he wants to live in New York City. He can’t kill himself because maybe good things will happen to him in the future.

He could have killed himself when he was 15 and not befriended Evan. Which would suck because Evan is worth staying alive for.

He could spend a lifetime with Evan and not get bored of him.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Evan eventually asks.

“Just thinking,” Connor says. Because he was not about to admit that he was thinking about Evan in front of Evan.

Evan smiles at him and rests his head on Connor’s shoulder. He fiddles with Connor’s sleeve for a bit and eventually they decide to drive home. It’s late and a school night and Connor doesn’t want Evan to get in trouble with his mom.

It’s almost midnight when he gets home and Zoe’s in the kitchen on her laptop. The rest of the house is dark and Connor takes a moment to stand in the doorway and think. He doesn’t know what he wants to say to Zoe, but maybe even just starting a conversation could be something.

“Hey,” Connor finally says.

Zoe looks up and stares at him. Her face is unreadable.

He kind of nods at her laptop. “What are you, um. What are you working on?”

She gives him a weird look and pulls her laptop closer to her. “Nothing. Why do you care?”

Connor closes his eyes and counts to ten in his head. He’s not going to explode on her. He’s not going to freak out on her. He’s going to make things right between them.

He takes a step closer and she eyes him. “Just wondering,” he says.

She nods. “Just a paper for history.”

“Who’s your teacher?”

“Davis.”

“Oh, Evan had her. Said she was an easy grader. Then again, writing is, like, his thing and he has pretty good grades. But I’m sure you’ll do great,” Connor says. He’s trying. He feels awkward and out of place, but maybe having dumb conversations about homework is step one.

Zoe continues to stare at him. She nods slowly. “Right. I’m not that worried.” She turns back to her laptop and continues typing.

Connor kind of nods to himself and waits a few more moments, but Zoe doesn’t say anything else. He figures he shouldn’t push his luck because they haven’t had a civil conversation like this in forever.

“I’m going to bed,” Connor says after a minute.

Zoe hums and nods, but doesn’t look at him.

He stands up and makes his way to the staircase. “Night.”

“Yeah,” she mumbles.

Connor breathes out as he walks upstairs. It wasn’t the conversation he wanted, but it was probably what he deserved. It was actually probably more than what he deserved. He’s surprised she even bothered exchanging words with him.

The next morning Zoe left the house before Connor left his room so he didn’t get a chance to see her. And then he sneaks out of the house before he can run into his mom. He likes to avoid his parents for a few days after a fight. They like to pretend the yelling doesn’t happen. Connor likes to pretend that he has a different family. A family that raised him right from the beginning.

He gets to Evan’s house and watches with a careful eye as Evan and Heidi leave the house together. They’re smiling. Heidi waves at Connor before getting into her car and driving off to work. Connor waves back politely.

“Hey,” Evan says as soon as he gets into the car.

“Hi,” Connor says. He glances at Evan’s hands and almost reaches out to grab one, but then he doesn’t. Evan doesn’t either. “You and your mom seem good.”

“Oh. Yeah,” Evan says. His smile fades a little and he squirms in his seat. “Turns out it’s pretty tricky figuring out how to tell your mom you tried to kill yourself. Especially when she’s barely at home and you’re not that close to her in the first place.”

Connor chuckles and starts driving, pushing away the idea of holding Evan’s hand. Clearly it’s not going to happen right now, but he does find himself leaning toward the center console anyway. “Yeah, it’s not the easiest.”

“I wanted to tell her. I sat with her on the couch and I was going to tell her and then. She, like, um. I don’t know. She just. She was talking about her classes and work and I totally chickened out.”

“I mean it’s a big thing to say. You’re braver than I am. I could never tell my mom that I cut.”

“Oh god,” Evan mumbles, putting his face in his hands. His breathing picks up. “Do I have to tell her that too? What if she tries to stop me? What if she starts checking me for cuts? What if she puts me in the hospital? She probably can’t afford to send me to a mental hospital. Oh god. Oh shit. Oh fuck.”

“Hey, it’s okay. You, like, you don’t have to tell her about the cutting. Like. I know it’s not good and I hate that you do it, but. You really don’t have to tell her that because I haven’t told my mom either and I don’t plan on it.”

Evan nods and looks over to Connor. He presses down hard on one of his legs. “I hate that you do it too.”

Connor nods because he doesn’t know what else to say.

He wonders what Evan uses to cut.

They ride to school in silence and split up to go to their classes. He walks by Zoe at one point and she doesn’t even look at him. It hurts, but it’s what he deserves.

He’s in his second class of the day when he gets called down to his guidance counselor’s office. Connor wants to kill himself at the thought of having to talk to an adult, but it’s better than sitting in class.

He walks into Mr. Doherty’s office and there’s a woman sitting in there with him. She looks young. Like she could be a student herself. She gives Connor this big, warm smile like they’ve been friends for years.

“Hey Connor,” Mr. Doherty says, pointing to the one open seat in his office.

Connor slowly sits down and eyes both of them warily. He doesn’t trust what’s happening.

“Connor, this is Ms. Wilson. She’s the new school social worker. I know you weren’t a fan of the last social worker, but I thought it could be useful to introduce the two of you,” Mr. Doherty says. He looks proud of himself.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Connor,” Ms. Wilson says.

Connor blinks at her and then turns back to Mr. Doherty. “Is this because I skipped three classes yesterday?” he asks.

“No, Connor, we just thought it would be nice if you had another adult in the building you feel like you can talk to.”

As if there were any adults he could talk to in the first place. “Because my dad is dead?” he asks. He keeps his tone light and the sarcasm heavy.

To his surprise, Ms. Wilson laughs. Loudly. And then she gets serious. “Mr. Doherty is worried about you, Connor. Having a parent die is hard on anyone, let alone someone like yourself who has already struggled enough.”

Connor shrugs and figures that telling them he’s fine is pointless. And Ms. Wilson doesn’t seem that bad.

She suggests going to her office and Connor agrees. Mr. Doherty makes some comment about wanting to see Connor soon about his college applications and then he lets them go.

He follows her to her office and sits down in a chair adjacent to her desk. He looks around and it’s more barren than the last time he had been in there. There’s a Parks and Rec poster on the wall.

“You like Parks and Rec?” Connor finds himself asking. He grabs one of the toys on her desk and fiddles with it. He doesn’t look up.

Ms. Wilson turns around and smiles at the poster behind her. “I love it. I’ve seen the show a million times. My boyfriend and I are gonna dress up as Leslie and Ron for Halloween. He’s been growing out a mustache and everything.”

She smiles like she’s happy to talk to Connor about Parks and Rec. Like they’re two friends hanging out and she isn’t being paid to get him to talk about his sad, tragic life. She doesn’t really care about him or want to talk to him about a TV show they both happen to like. She doesn’t care and nobody does.

Connor stays quiet and looks down at his hands and continues playing with the toy in her hands. He feels her staring at him.

“Did you ever meet Mrs. Harlow who worked here before me? She was ancient. Completely checked out. I walked in on my first day and the office was filled with these old social work textbooks that she never bothered to clean out. Most of them are from the 70’s. They’re hilariously outdated. I even found a box of VHS tapes,” she says. She talks a lot like she thinks it’ll make him more comfortable. Like she’s letting her guard down in hopes he’ll do the same.

“I met her a few times, but she hated me,” Connor says. He shrugs like it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t.

“Why do you think she hated you?”

Connor gives her a look because he knows what she’s doing. “Adults usually hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Connor.”

He doesn’t say anything because maybe she doesn’t hate him yet, but he’ll probably end up making her hate him. He just has that quality about him.

“I met your sister the other day.”

That leaves a bad taste in his mouth. “I don’t want to talk about Zoe.”

Ms. Wilson nods. “We don’t have to talk about her.”

“Good.”

“So what do you want to talk about?”

Connor rolls his eyes and sighs. “I don’t know. Isn’t it your job to ask about my dead dad and tell me not to smoke weed?”

She raises an eyebrow. “Is it?”

“Are you gonna tell my mom or Mr. Doherty or anyone else what I say?”

“Everything you say in this room is confidential. Unless you talk about harming yourself or other people, it’ll stay just between us.”

Right. No self-harm talk unless he wants to be thrown in the hospital.

He clears his throat. “When I was a freshman I told Mr. Doherty that I was feeling depressed and he called my parents even though I asked him not to.”

She frowns. “That sounds like it was difficult, Connor.”

He nods. “It pissed me off. And then my parents didn’t do anything to try and help me so it was pointless anyway.” He doesn’t know why he’s opening up like this.

He tilts her head and gives him a sad look. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. It must have been hard going through all that on your own.”

He nods again. It’s all in the past and he doesn’t feel as bad anymore so he doesn’t care as much. Except he still holds a grudge.

Ms. Wilson is nice. Connor likes her even though he’s wired to hate all adults. But she doesn’t seem judgmental and she says that she likes his nail polish even though that’s probably a lie. But then she says they should see each other regularly and he agrees. For some reason. But then she’s opening up her schedule and penciling him in to see her again next week.

He feels a little lighter the rest of the day. Even during lunch when he and Evan hang out in the library and they run into Zoe who’s there with her class. Connor catches her eye from across the room and he tries smiling at her. She stares at him and then gives a hesitant wave before looking away.

It’s something. And Evan smiles at him.

Connor drives Evan home after school and they end up sitting in Evan’s driveway for a while just talking. He didn’t mean for it to happen, but he lets himself get away with a lot of things when it comes to Evan. Evan is his guilty pleasure.

Connor stops because that’s a weird thought to have so he tries to pretend it never happened.

He gets home and Zoe’s there. She’s in the kitchen on her phone and he slowly makes his way over to her. She glances up at him, but doesn’t move. He takes this as a victory and they sit in silence together on their phones. He tries thinking of something to say, but she beats him to it.

“Has Mom talked to you yet?”

Connor looks up at her. She looks guarded. “About?”

“What to put on Dad’s headstone.”

Connor feels himself clamping up. This is a weird conversation to have, and definitely one he didn’t expect to be having with Zoe.

“She wants to write ‘loving husband and father’,” Zoe continues.

He laughs bitterly because he can’t help himself. It’s a reflex.

“What?” Zoe asks. It’s angry and demanding. Like she’s challenging him to say something that’ll start a fight.

Now he’s angry. “Loving husband and father. Sure. Let’s just erase the fact that she used to threaten divorcing him all the time.”

“Fuck you.”

He feels the words tumbling out of his mouth faster than he can stop them. “You know what we should write? ‘Larry Murphy. Kind of a dick sometimes.’ I think that’s beautiful. Truly encapsulates who he was as a person.”

“Shut the fuck up!” she screams.

Their mom walks into the house at that exact moment and she looks upset. Angry, annoyed, sick, sad, and hurt all rolled up into one. “What now?” she sighs.

Zoe’s crying now. “He insulted Dad!”

Connor was frustrated. He was fed up. He was angry. “Why the fuck are we pretending he was a good person? Remember when he called you a bitch, Zoe? Do you fucking remember?”

Zoe cried louder and pulled at her hair. Connor knew she also had a complicated relationship with their dad at times. He knew their dad had an anger problem. Connor also knew that bringing up the bad memories was the most jerk move he could make.

Zoe was nine. She had a bad day. They sat down for a family dinner and she wouldn’t stop complaining. She wouldn’t stop. Their dad grew angry. He called her a bitch and she ran away crying.

That kind of thing never happened again. Time helped them all forget the incident. It was never brought up.

Connor couldn’t forget.

“Fuck you Connor!” Zoe screams. She screams as loud as she can.

Connor screams louder. “Fuck you bitch!” It’s a low blow and he knows it. He also knows it makes him just like the monster his dad was.

“Connor!” His mom screams and immediately went to hug Zoe who is standing there sobbing. “We are not going to fight fire with fire.”

Connor laughs. He fucking cackles. He slaps the table in front of him because he needs something to hit and they both jump. “That’s how this family works, Mom, if you haven’t noticed yet. Don’t fight fire with fire? That’s such a joke. I’ll burn this fucking house to the ground.”

“I hate you!” Zoe screams.

“Go fucking kill yourself, Zoe.”

He regrets it the second he says it. He’s staring at her and she just looks. So sad. So defeated. Connor’s suicidal. He thinks. Maybe. And he knows that he is the most fucked up person ever for telling someone to kill themselves. Zoe will never forgive him. He wonders if he will ever even apologize.

He wonders what would happen if she actually did kill herself. If he walked into the house later to see her bleeding out in the bathtub or hanging from a rope. The thought makes him sick.

“Fuck you Connor,” she says, but it’s different. It’s softer. Quieter. And she won’t stop looking at him. He stares back and it’s like they’re both shocked he would say that.

Connor feels bad because he’s been thinking it for years.

Their mom is standing off in the corner of the room crying. Sobbing and fiddling with her wedding ring. The wedding ring that she’s still fucking wearing. He runs upstairs.

He runs to his room and leaves his broken family behind. He grabs a bag and starts throwing shit into it because he knows he has to leave his house right now. He has to go. It’s a wonder his parents have never thrown him out. His dad threatened to, but his mom refused. Maybe she will now.

Connor turns around to see Zoe in his doorway and his blood runs cold. She’s not crying now. She just. She stares at him. She doesn’t even look angry anymore. She looks like a robot. Completely empty. Completely emotionless. Void of any and all feelings. He did this to her. Made her numb. He fucked up her life.

He wants to say something, wants to apologize, but he can’t. He can barely look at her.

“Go kill yourself,” she says. Practically spits the words at him.

He deserves it and he knows he does, but it still hurts. Zoe doesn’t deserve any of this. She deserves better. She deserves more. So does his mom. Why can’t he stop hurting people? He’s probably going to end up hurting Evan too.

He zips up his bag and marches past her and through the house. Marches past his mom who is sitting on the couch crying softly while holding a picture of his dad.

It’s like every aspect of his life is taken from a sad TV movie about grief and Connor despises it. He plays right into the role of angsty son and he hates it.

He drives for a while and eventually parks at the orchard. He gets high and then cuts himself. He doesn’t have any bandaids so he finds some random napkins in the glove compartment and holds them down on his arm until he stops bleeding. And then he cuts some more.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

He cuts himself into tiny, broken pieces.

He used to have a hard time drawing blood, but now it comes easy. It’s like he was built for this. Made to bleed.

He googles ‘larry murphy dead’ and reads his dad’s obituary for the hundredth time. There are also a couple of articles about his dad’s accident. Some random people comment on the articles saying that it’s tragic another person died so young and left behind a family.

He checks the notes on his phone and finds the address for the cemetery and starts driving. It’s over a half hour away, but it’s not like Connor has anywhere else to go.

He’s still high and maybe he should be careful about driving considering his dad was killed by driving, but. Connor. Just. Doesn’t. Care.

He arrives at the cemetery and it’s weirdly beautiful. It’s only his second time there, but it feels brighter there. The sun shines differently.

Connor parks around the right area and walks around for a few minutes before finally finding his dad’s plot.

The grass has mostly grown back in.

There’s a small, temporary plaque on display. It reminds Connor of something you’d find in a museum next to a piece of art.

Larry Murphy. 1971-2016.

He’s standing on his father’s grave. He’s standing on top of his dad. This is weird weird weird and he thinks about how one day his mom is going to be buried next to his dad. He’s standing on the spot where she’ll be buried.

He screams. And then he tries talking to his dad because he’s certifiably insane at this point.

“Fuck you! You had to go and die and fucking ruin everything! Even when you’re dead you’re ruining my life!” Connor shouts. He could feel his heart racing. He wonders if he could actually have a heart attack.

He tries to imagine the conversation. What his dad would actually say.

“You used to wish I would die.” His dad is smirking. He laughs. What’s so fucking funny?

Connor blinks. He’s not high enough for this shit. “What the fuck?”

His dad won’t. Stop. Fucking. Smiling.

“What is this, fucking Lion King?”

“You told me to die."

“I didn’t. I don’t. I never meant,” Connor stumbles. “I never thought it would actually happen.”

“You once wrote a letter telling me to die.”

“Stop it.”

“You told Zoe to kill herself. What if she actually did, Connor? What if you got home and found her dead, lifeless body right in front of you?”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Connor looks away and realizes he’s alone. He sits on the ground and cries and thinks about killing himself.

He eventually picks himself up and goes to head back to his car. He stands at the foot of his dad’s grave for another few seconds and then pulls out his phone. He used to get calls and texts from his parents when he would storm out.

But now his dad isn’t here and his mom definitely hates him.

He still has his dad’s number in his phone. He can’t bring himself to delete it.

He texts Evan.

_so i got into this huge fight w zoe that ended w me telling her to kill herself lol and i definitely dont wanna go back home so im gonna sleepover at ur house tonight but also i really really really dont wanna talk abt it bc im tired and ive been crying for like two hours now so ill see u soon_

Evan responds about ten minutes later with a heart emoji and Connor hates how that makes his heart stop. It’s a stupid emoji. It doesn’t mean anything.

He gets to Evan’s house and he feels a little more put together. His tears are gone and the high wore off. Heidi opens the door and greets him with a smile.

“Hi Connor. Evan told me you’re sleeping over. The couch in the family room pulls out into a bed. We also have an old sleeping bag around here somewhere. I’m sure you boys will figure it out,” she says.

He kind of nods at her and she keeps talking.

“I have to be at work at seven tomorrow so I probably won’t see you guys in the morning. Evan’s up in his room.”

Connor nods again and takes his shoes off. He grabs his bag and then Heidi places a gentle hand on his shoulder before he can go.

“I’m glad you’re here, Connor. Please let me know if you need anything at all. Okay?”

Connor feels himself being pushed back to the edge of crying so he bites his tongue and nods instead. Heidi smiles and squeezes his shoulder before letting him go.

He heads upstairs and straight into Evan’s room. The door is open and Evan is at his desk on his laptop. He smiles when he sees Connor.

“Hey,” Evan says.

“Hey.”

Connor drops his things on the floor and collapses on Evan’s bed. He buries his head in Evan’s pillow and he feels a little better. It’s at least better than when he used to drive around all night and get high in random parks.

“Do you watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine?” Evan asks.

Connor turns over and looks at Evan. “Nope.”

“We should watch it,” Evan says. He takes his laptop and brings it over to the bed. Connor sits up so they can sit side by side. They’re much more cramped on Evan’s twin bed, but Connor doesn’t mind. He craves for when he can be this close to Evan. “Jared showed it to me a while back. It’s a really funny show. Do you wanna watch it?”

Connor nods and Evan’s pulling up the first episode. They end up watching a couple before Evan suggests they change into pajamas. Then they climb back into bed together. This time Evan takes Connor’s hand and plays with his fingers. They watch a few more episodes until it’s nearly one in the morning and Evan suggests they go to bed.

“You can sleep in my bed. I’ll take the couch,” Evan says.

Connor shakes his head. He doesn’t want to interrupt Evan’s life more than he already has. “No. No way. When you slept over you refused to take my bed.”

“Well I don’t want you sleeping on the couch.”

“I’m not going to kick you out of your own bed.”

Evan fiddles with Connor’s hand some more. “Well. What if we, like, just share my bed? I know it’s small and we don’t have to if you don’t want to, but. I don’t know. Maybe you’d want to?”

Connor nods and forces himself to act normal and not like he’s been praying for this since their last sleepover. “But your mom?”

“I don’t care.”

Connor blinks because that doesn’t sound like Evan. Not caring about something. “She’ll notice before she goes to work that one of us isn’t on the couch.”

“If this is a stupid idea and you don’t want-”

“No no no,” Connor shakes his head immediately. Squeezes Evan’s hand in his own. “I want this.”

Evan squeezes back and smiles at him and they lay down. They end up pressed together with Evan’s arms wrapped around Connor’s body. He may be taller than Evan, but he feels small in that moment. Small. Comfortable. Like he was made to have Evan’s arms wrapped around him.

They don’t say anything as they lay there, but it’s okay. Connor’s content. He can feel Evan’s body move as he breathes and he doesn’t think he’s ever been this at peace. He’ll never get tired of listening to Evan breathe.

He eventually falls asleep and dreams about his dad. That happens sometimes. It’s always something different. The dreams feel normal except Connor is aware his dad is dead. He’ll be dreaming and talking to his dad, but he’s also conscious of the fact that his dad is dead.

Maybe if he was more thoughtful and hopeful he would think that his dad appears in his dreams to send him a message. But Connor is cynical and angry and that’s definitely not true. It’s definitely just his brain fucking with him.

Connor wakes up a couple hours later and it’s nearly four in the morning. Evan’s fast asleep and still has his arms wrapped tightly around Connor. Like he’s trying to protect him or something.

Connor slips out of bed to go to the bathroom and thinks about crashing on the couch for the rest of the night.

He considers it, but he still finds himself walking back to Evan’s room. Because he’s weak and he can’t help himself and maybe it’s a bad idea to crawl into bed with Evan when even the thought of the other boy’s name makes his heart flutter, but Connor’s great at terrible ideas. He smokes cigarettes even though he knows they’re bad for him. He sneaks pills even though he can hear his fifth grade health teacher preaching about the dangers of drugs.

He wants to kiss his best friend and then crawls into bed with him. He stares at Evan’s lips when he thinks he’s not looking. He stares into his eyes for longer than he should. He allows himself to have these thoughts when it’s late and he’s tired. When he’s tired of his family being such a disaster, and Evan’s like a bucket of water in the scorching fire that is his life.

Connor closes the door when he walks into the room and Evan sits up in bed.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Connor says.

Evan rubs his eyes and shakes his head. He lies back down. “You’re good.”

Connor climbs back into bed and rests his head in the crook of Evan’s neck. He listens to him breathe for a few minutes. It’s the dead of night and there’s no place Connor would rather be.

“I told Zoe to kill herself,” Connor says. Quietly. He doesn’t want to tell Evan. Doesn’t want to show the worst side of himself. But he’s also wracked with guilt. “I told her to her face to commit suicide and then she said the same thing to me.”

Evan sighs and tightens his grip on Connor’s hand. “Did you mean it?”

“That’s the thing,” Connor says. He closes his eyes. “I’ve thought it before. I’m pretty sure I’ve said it before. I’ve threatened to kill her before. It’s like I get so angry and then I’m just shouting everything that pops into my head and I can’t stop myself.”

He’s scared that one day he’ll get angry with Evan and yell at him. Yell things that he’ll immediately regret. He can’t treat Evan the way he treats the rest of the world.

“My dad had the same anger problems. He’d explode and punch walls and scream mean things. I always promised myself that I’d never end up like that. Fuck,” Connor sighs. “I can’t keep doing this. I need therapy. Or something. God, before I fucking kill myself.”

“You’re not like your dad, okay? Everything’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“How can you say that? You didn’t even know him.” Not that Connor knows his dad either.

Evan sighs. “Well. He went his whole life with those anger problems. It doesn’t sound like he ever tried to change. Meanwhile, you’re 17 and you’re trying to change that. I’d say that’s different from your dad.”

Connor smiles a tiny bit and nods. He opens his eyes and Evan’s staring at him. Their faces are close together and Connor feels his heart racing.

“I owe Zoe the biggest apology in the universe.”

“Yeah.”

“She doesn’t owe me anything.”

“I mean she should apologize for telling you to kill yourself.”

Connor shakes his head. “No. I totally deserved that.”

Evan sighs again and gives a tiny smile. A hopeful smile. “You know, Connor, you deserve a lot more than you think.”

Connor just blinks because that can’t possibly be true. He deserves to die and that’s about it. But Evan seems hopeful and he’s never hopeful. So instead of saying anything, Connor just rests his head on Evan’s shoulder and shuts his eyes.

Connor doesn’t deserve Evan, but he lets himself have him.


	13. Left the Worst With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wants to fix things with Zoe, but he doesn’t know how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello yes I’m sorry it’s been a hot minute since I updated. I had a tiny case of writer’s block, but I’m back!! Also I snuck in a tiny reference to The Desperate Type in here because I’m legit obsessed with that fic. Anyway.
> 
> Enjoy!!! Feel free to drop me a comment and let me know what you think!!!
> 
> Title is from Lullabies by All Time Low.

Connor spends the entire weekend at Evan’s house. He doesn’t talk to his family at all. His mom texts him Saturday afternoon to say that she loves him and she hopes he’s okay. He doesn’t reply and instead turns off his phone and puts it in his backpack. Out of sight out of mind. Except not really because Connor can’t ever seem to forget his mom’s sad face and the way she cries.

Jared Kleinman friends him on Facebook and Connor stares at the friend request for a while before shutting his laptop entirely.

Evan’s mom was barely home all weekend. She’s apparently been pulling extra shifts lately to save for Evan’s college.

Connor doesn’t mind. He likes having the whole weekend to be with Evan alone. He feels a little guilty at some points for spending so much time there. He’s scared he’s wasting Evan’s weekend, but Evan kind of rolls his eyes and makes a comment about how he wouldn’t have been doing anything anyway.

And then there’s the sleeping situation. Heidi hasn’t commented on it, but Connor did catch her giving some kind of knowing look to Evan Saturday afternoon when she was home for an hour.

They’ve been sleeping in the same bed. It’s not even really a discussion anymore and Connor’s a little worried about what that means. Does Evan have any type of feelings for him? Does he want to kiss Connor? Does he think about Connor the way that Connor thinks about Evan? Is Connor taking advantage of Evan’s generosity by sleeping in his bed with him? Would Evan feel uncomfortable if he knew that Connor was having these feelings?

Connor isn’t sure. He’s certain that Evan is straight, or at the very least, not into him, but also. Sometimes Connor isn’t sure. Because Evan holds Connor’s hands a lot rests his head on his chest sometimes when they’re lying down. Connor is confused and wants to ask Evan about his sexuality. But then he would have to answer about his own sexuality and Connor still isn’t too sure.

He might be gay. He’s probably gay. When it’s five in the morning and he can’t sleep and he’s being honest with himself, he’ll admit in his head that he’s probably gay. But then the next day he thinks about how it would just be much more convenient if he were straight. So he pretends that he’s, at best straight, and at worst, confused.

He used to think that a lot. That he should just pretend to be straight because it would be easy, but now Evan’s in his life. And Connor thinks that he would do anything if it meant he could be with Evan. He would come out to the world, loud and proud, just so he could be with Evan.

On Monday morning Evan and Connor are quietly eating cereal together when Evan brings up the topic that Connor has been trying not to think about.

“So. Um. Not that I don’t love having you here. Because I do. But, um. I was just wondering, like, when you’re going back home?” Evan asks. He seems nervous to bring it up.

Connor twirls his spoon in his hand and stares down at his bowl. “I should probably go home today. I know I probably, like, ruined your weekend by just moping around the whole time. Sorry.”

“No, no,” Evan shakes his head and reaches out to pat Connor’s arm. “I love having you here. Really. But, like, your mom must be worried.”

“She’s not.”

“Connor.”

Instead of saying anything, Connor gets up and rinses out his bowl. He turns back to Evan and makes a comment about getting to school on time. Evan eyes him for a second, but nods and follows Connor’s lead.

They don’t talk on the drive to school, but Evan reaches over and squeezes his hand once before they get out of the car.

They have gym class first, which sucks in general, but then Jared is approaching them. Connor’s first instinct is to place himself in between Jared and Evan.

Jared has this big smile on his face. Like they’re all old friends who haven’t seen each other in years. “Evan! Connor! My two favorite guys.”

Connor stares at him and Evan stares at the ground.

Jared doesn’t seem to notice that they don’t want him there. Or maybe Jared just pretends not to notice. Or chooses not to notice. “So I’m assuming you two don’t have any plans tonight.”

“Nope,” Evan says.

“Perfect. You’re both invited to my house. My parents are gone for the night so we can drink whatever we want.”

Evan pauses. “It’s a school night.”

Jared laughs and then he turns to Connor. “Murphy, you can’t tell me that you haven’t spent a good amount of school nights drunk and high.”

Connor tightens his jaw and glares at Jared who is acting like they’re friends. Like he and Connor didn’t exchange harsh words two weeks ago.

“Come on,” Jared whines a bit. “It’ll be like the Three Musketeers. The emo one, the tree obsessed one, and the insanely cool one. Getting drunk off my parents’ wine and playing video games. How else would you rather spend your Halloween?”

Connor would rather throw himself off a water tower. He also has his dead parent support group later. It’s a good enough excuse. Not that he would ever admit to anyone besides Evan that he’s going to a support group.

“Maybe,” Evan finally says.

Jared takes this as a success and he claps both of them on the back. The rest of gym class is fine. Jared hangs out with them. The jocks don’t even seem to notice that Jared isn’t hanging off of them. Connor almost feels bad for Jared. Trying to stick himself in places where he clearly doesn’t belong.

Connor sees Zoe at school during the day. He passes by her on his way to math. She walks right past him with her head held high. He wonders if she even notices him, but then he picks up how she starts walking faster when he approaches.

After school he drives Evan home and gets out of the car and follows Evan into the house. Evan eyes him briefly, but doesn’t comment.

“Did you wanna go to Jared’s tonight?” Evan asks. They’re sitting on the couch together mindlessly watching The Office.

“I have my dead parent group thing.”

Evan nods, but doesn’t say anything.

“Why do you want to go anyway?” Connor finally asks.

Evan shrugs. “I don’t know. Sure, Jared’s a dick, but we’ve kind of been friends for years.”

“I thought you guys were family friends.”

Evan mumbles something under his breath and Connor bumps his foot against Evan’s.

“You can go. I’m not stopping you.”

“I know.”

Evan ends up texting Jared about hanging out, which leads to Jared insisting Evan start a groupchat between the three of them. Jared immediately names the group “emo tree boizzz” and Connor struggles not to roll his eyes.

Jared sends a few texts about what time they should come over and it’s overall a little uncomfortable. Connor replies that he’s busy for a bit, but he’ll stop by later.

Connor ends up dropping Evan off at Jared’s house. He debates whether or not he should get out of the car and say hi to Jared, but then Jared’s outside and approaching his car anyway.

“Hey,” Jared says. He’s all smiles and it looks more genuine than the way he smiles at school.

“Hey,” Evan says. He gets out of the car.

Connor nods in response.

“You coming back later, man?” Jared asks.

Connor feels weird because there’s no way Jared actually wants to hang out with him despite the fact that he keeps inviting him over. He shrugs. “Yeah, give me a couple hours.”

Jared nods, gives him one last smile, and then leads Evan to the house. Evan turns around briefly and gives Connor a tiny wave. Connor waves back.

He plays All Time Low on the way to the support group. He listened to their music a lot in middle school, and then graduated to angrier sounding stuff when he reached freshman year. But Evan mentioned that he loves All Time Low, presently, so Connor downloaded a bunch of their songs and is trying to get back into them.

He was always trying to listen to other people’s music. Even when he and Zoe were in middle school and she only listened to Taylor Swift and One Direction. He still checks her Spotify account on occasion to see what she listens to.

The support group is fine. Again. It’s much less climatic than Connor assumed it would be. He kind of built it up in his head to be this end all be all, but it was actually just a few people who talked about their sad, tragic lives.

Connor thinks about the one time he went to family therapy with his parents and his dad spent the whole session insisting that therapy is pointless. Connor had agreed at the time because he didn’t want therapy.

But now he thinks he might want therapy.

And now he’s kind of in group therapy. Kind of.

One girl in the group, Emma, starts talking about a fight she had with her mom and it makes Connor feel a little better about the fights he has with his own family. He guesses that’s the point of group therapy. To make you feel less alone.

Except he still feels alone. Because he’s sure everyone here belongs in their families. But he doesn’t. Connor doesn’t belong in his family. Sometimes he considers changing his last name just so he’s even further removed from his family.

The support group ends and Connor drives straight to Jared’s house. He gets there and Jared immediately throws an arm around Connor’s shoulder when he answers the door. Connor shrugs him off.

“Connor fucking Murphy! You came, man,” Jared laughs. He’s clearly not sober and Connor isn’t in the mood to be around him.

“Where’s Evan?” Connor asks.

Jared’s face hardens a bit. “Kitchen. Don’t worry, he had a glass of wine. Couldn’t get him to drink much else. He’s scared of being drunk.”

Connor makes his way through the house and into the kitchen and finds Evan sitting at the table on his phone. He looks up and smiles.

“Connor!” Evan says, reaching a hand out.

Connor takes his hand. “Have you eaten anything?”

Evan swings their hands and shakes his head. He smiles. “Just some wine.”

“That’s not food.”

“I guess.”

Jared comes into the kitchen and stumbles a bit before taking a seat across from Evan. He grabs the half empty bottle of wine in front of Evan and takes a sip.

“Did you guys seriously just drink wine for an hour and a half?”

“My parents didn’t have anything else.”

Evan finally drops Connor’s hand and looks back at Jared. “Oh god. Am I drunk? Will my mom know you got me drunk?”

Jared laughs. He drinks more wine.

“You’re not fucking drunk,” Connor rolls his eyes. “I’m taking you home.”

Evan and Jared protest this at first, but then Connor drags Jared to the couch and he drags Evan to his car. He drives Evan home and leads him inside.

“I beat Jared at Mario Kart,” Evan says. He starts walking upstairs and Connor follows.

“That’s nice, Evan.”

“I came in 11th place, but I still beat him.”

They’re in Evan’s room now and Connor starts looking in Evan’s dresser for some pajamas.

“You have nice eyes.”

Connor stops and turns to Evan who just sat down on his bed. He lies down and stares at the ceiling. Connor watches him.

“Your eyes are cool. They’re, like, blue and then your left one has a little bit of brown. I guess that’s technically your right eye. My left, your right. My eyes are boring,” Evan says. He barely even stammers and he talks a little slower than normal.

Connor can feel his face heating up. It’s weird to think that Evan pays that much attention to his details. That Evan notices these things.

“I’m happy you’re my best friend. You don’t deserve to feel sad.”

“You should go to sleep, Evan,” Connor says.

“I love you.”

Connor stops. Stares. Tries to will his heart to stop beating so fucking loudly.

“My mom says it’s important to tell the people you love that you love them. You’re my best friend and I love you.”

Evan still isn’t looking at him. Connor swallows and opens his mouth to say something back, but his mind is blank. It’s clearly platonic, he knows it’s platonic, but Connor still wants to melt at hearing those words. Evan sits up and finally looks at him. Connor’s not drunk, but it’s a sobering moment.

“I love you too,” Connor says.

Evan smiles at that and reaches to pull off his shirt. Connor averts his eyes. He can’t let himself stare. Can’t let Evan call him out for staring. Can’t stare when Evan isn’t completely sober and he probably wouldn’t want Connor staring if he knew about these thoughts Connor was having.

“I’m going to sleep,” Evan says. He lies down on his bed again and Connor keeps his eyes trained to the floor.

He goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water and brings it back up to Evan’s room. He leaves it on the bedside table and stands around for a moment. Evan has already fallen asleep. Connor goes back downstairs and lies down on the couch. He falls asleep pretty much instantly.

He wakes up early the next morning and tries not to think about the things Evan said last night. About how he has nice eyes. That he loves him. Evan was just. Tipsy. Barely tipsy. But tipsy nonetheless.

Evan eventually comes downstairs looking presentable.

“I don’t feel hungover,” Evan says. He goes into the kitchen and grabs two bowls.

Connor gets up from the couch and follows him. “You had some wine, it’s not like you were wasted.”

Evan nods and pours them both cereal. Connor grabs the milk from the fridge. He’s certain that Evan remembers last night. Evan has to remember what he said. But he doesn’t bring it up and neither does Connor.

Instead Evan starts talking about how he’s not excited to read Shakespeare for English and how he has a math test right after lunch that he’s nervous about because there’s a few concepts from the study guide that he doesn’t understand, but he was too anxious to ask the teacher about them. Which Connor relates to. Sometimes Connor wonders what his grades would be like if he put in the effort.

They get to school and split up to go to class and Connor is immediately called down to Ms. Wilson’s office. He almost panics until he remembers they are scheduled to meet.

She gives him a warm smile when he walks into her office and suggests he shut the door.

“How are you doing, Connor?” she asks.

Connor shrugs. He’s sitting in the same seat from last time and grabs a different toy off her desk.

“I talked to Evan Hansen yesterday.”

That gets his attention. Connor looks up at her and tilts his head a bit. Waiting for her to continue.

“He and I have been meeting on occasion since the start of the school year. I’m sure you know he has struggles of his own.”

Connor nods and wonders if she’s allowed to be talking about another student with him.

“He told me that you guys hung out all weekend.”

“He’s my best friend,” Connor finds himself saying.

Ms. Wilson smiles. “He said the same thing.”

Connor feels his face flush and he turns his head. He bites his tongue to keep himself from smiling. He can’t give himself away.

“Mr. Doherty told me that you didn’t have many close friends. He never mentioned Evan.”

Connor looks back at her. “We only really became friends this year. And, like, we got close fast.”

They talk a little more about Evan and Connor can feel himself smiling through the conversation. He can’t help it. Just the thought of Evan makes him smile.

But then he realizes that he should probably talk about the fight he had with his family. That’s the probably point of these meetings.

He waits for the conversation to stop and he looks away before speaking. “I got into a fight with Zoe last week.” He feels almost ashamed to be admitting this.

She nods at him to continue.

“We fight a lot. And if we’re not fighting then we’re not speaking at all. I kind of treated her badly for years now. I know I should apologize, but I don’t know how.”

Ms. Wilson looks more serious now. She actually looks like a social worker when before she looked like a grad student or a barista. “Have you thought about writing her a letter? You don’t even have to give it to her, but it might be useful to get your thoughts down on paper and out of your head.”

“Maybe,” Connor shrugs. He thinks about how Evan sometimes writes letters to himself. He claims they help, even a little bit.

Ms. Wilson doesn’t try asking what the fight was about, which Connor appreciates. He doesn’t want to admit to her that he told Zoe to kill herself. He doesn’t want to show her how messed up and broken he is. He doesn’t want her to see him as a monster even though he is.

Connor doesn’t see Evan until their gym class later. Jared isn’t in class and Connor wonders where he is. He briefly thinks about texting Jared and asking if he’s okay. It would be the nice thing to do. But Connor isn’t a nice person so he doesn’t say anything and pretends he doesn’t notice Jared’s absence when Evan mentions it.

They meet in the senior parking lot at the end of the day and Connor thinks it’s probably time for him to go home. He mentions that to Evan who nods and then makes a comment that Connor is always welcome at his house.

Which is nice, but Connor is all out of clean clothes and has his duffel bag of dirty laundry in his backseat. And he loves falling asleep with Evan, but he also misses his own bed. He also misses his mom a little bit, but he won’t admit it out loud.

“I met with the school social worker today,” Connor says. They’re driving into Evan’s neighborhood.

“Ms. Wilson?”

“Yeah. She’s nice.”

“She is. I meet with her sometimes.”

“Did you ever meet the old social worker?”

“Yeah, I talked to her sometimes. She wasn’t that great.”

“She was the worst. She asked me if I grew out my hair to piss off my dad.”

Evan stares at him.

“I mean, I did, but then I actually really started to like it.”

“I could never have long hair.”

“It’s actually not super hard to manage.”

“No, but my hair gets really curly and I could never. It just wouldn’t look good.”

“That sounds so.” Adorable. “I’m sure it’d be fine.”

Evan shrugs, but then smiles at him. It’s quiet as they drive except for the music playing. Connor pulls into Evan’s driveway and doesn’t get out of the car. He knows he needs to go home. He hasn’t set foot in his house in nearly a week. He hasn’t seen his mom in nearly a week. He misses her even though he’s gone longer without seeing her.

He hasn’t seen his dad in months.

Evan hovers outside of the car. The passenger door is still open. “So I’ll see you later?” Evan’s asking.

Connor looks at him and nods. He fiddles with his fingers.

Evan frowns. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Just text me if it’s unbearable or if you think you might do something.”

“I will.” He doesn’t look up.

Evan shuts the door and walks into his house. He gives a final wave before shutting the door, and Connor starts driving. He puts off facing his mom for a little bit and chooses to drive around for another hour. But eventually he goes home.

He walks into the house and nothing happens. His mom and Zoe are home, but nowhere to be seen.

Connor went to sleepaway camp for a week when he was 12, and was scared that he would come home and his parents would have sold all his stuff. Or that his parents wouldn’t pick him up at all and they used the week he was gone to sell the house and change their names and move across the country.

He smoked a few times when he was 12 and his parents were furious when they found out. He got detention a few times. He skipped class for the first time ever. He got in trouble for shoving one of Brian Harris’ friends to the ground.

So his parents sent him to sleepaway camp for a week. To have him shape up before he hit seventh grade.

It didn’t help. People weren’t mean to him, but he didn’t make any friends either. His cabin had an odd number of kids so Connor was the only one who didn’t share a bunk bed.

His mom picked him up at the end of the week and Connor was relieved to be back home and to find that his room had been untouched.

Sometimes he has the same fears. That he’ll come home to find the house had been sold, or that one day his mom will pack up and leave out of the blue.

He doesn’t think she’ll do that now. He used to wish his dad would leave.

He makes his way to his room and locks the door. He sits at his desk and pulls out a blank piece of paper. He starts writing.

_Dear Zoe,_

He can’t think of what to say. He needs more than just one piece of paper to write an apology to her. Where does he even begin?

_Sorry for telling you to kill yourself._

_Sorry for making you feel unsafe in your own house._

_Sorry for making your life a living hell._

_Sorry for that time when we were kids and I ate the chocolate chip cookie you were saving._

_Sorry for all the times I’ve hit you._

He crumbles up the paper and grabs a new one.

_Dear Mom,_

_Sorry you got stuck with me as a son. Sorry that I’m literally the worst person to inhabit this planet. Sorry I’ve made you embarrassed. Sorry for the times I’ve stolen pills from the medicine cabinet. Sorry for making you cry. I’m better off not existing._

That one reads too much like a suicide note so Connor scraps it too.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Thanks for being my best friend. I love you and sometimes I think I may even like you…_

Connor rips that one up into a million tiny pieces. Until it’s beyond readable and his words are erased from existence.

_Dear Dad,_

_Sorry I couldn’t be a better son. Sorry you weren’t a better dad._

He sighs and rips up that paper too.

_Dear Zoe,_

_You deserve so much more than what you have. You deserve a brother who is good to you. I’m sorry I never gave you that. I’m sorry that I’m the worst thing that could have happened to you._

_I’m sorry for everything. No apology will ever be enough._

_Sincerely,_

He frowns and crosses that out.

_Love,_

_Connor_

Connor stares at the letter for a while before shoving it in his desk drawer and going to lie down on his bed. Out of sight out of mind. Maybe he can forget about the letters for a little bit.

He opens up his laptop. Opens up Facebook. He accepts Jared’s friend request.

Connor then shuts his laptop and grabs his keys and wallet and leaves the house. He’s been home for barely an hour, but he already feels stuck. He gets in his car and starts driving.

He drives around aimlessly for about a half hour and then ends up at a strip mall downtown. He browses a few home decor stores. There are some tiny, fake succulents in the clearance section and Connor buys about ten of them. He doesn’t really know why, but he figures Evan will like them. And then he walks into the pet store next door.

There’s apparently a store policy that says you have to be 18 to purchase any pet. Which is stupid because Connor will be 18 in less than two months.

But he has a fake ID. And there’s no one around to tell him what to do. So he uses his fucking fake ID to buy a bright blue betta fish.

He doesn’t really know what he’s doing and then he has to laugh at himself. He just bought a fish. And now he really can’t kill himself because who will feed his fish when he is dead?

He texts a picture of the fish to Evan with no context and drives home. His mom and Zoe are home, but nowhere to be found so Connor’s able to bring it to his room unnoticed. He places the fish on top of his dresser and stares for a few moments before deciding on naming him Jake. He also sets out the fake succulents and picks out a few that he wants to give to Evan.

_… Did you buy a fish?_

_his name is jake and he’s my new best friend. youve been replaced sorry_

_That’s okay I have my plants to keep me company._

Connor lies down on his bed and opens up Netflix. He watches a few episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and can’t help glancing back at his new fish every few minutes. Maybe it’s stupid, but he does feel a little less alone.


	14. Never Conquered Rarely Came

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Night time talks with two boys in an orchard. Also they go to A La Mode because this is a Dear Evan Hansen fic after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I’m back a week later with another update. The boys are soft/angsty again. Big news, I know. Enjoy!!! Feel free to leave me a comment/kudos. I love and appreciate every single one!!
> 
> Title is from Adam’s Song by Blink 182 (14-year-old Connor loved this song and listened to it everyday on the bus to school. Fight me.)
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr connmanmurphy.tumblr.com

“We’re going to your grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving this year.”

Connor looks up at his mom. She’s standing by the oven. She isn’t looking at him.

Things are back to normal. Well. Things are back to how they were before Connor told Zoe to kill herself. He hasn’t seen Zoe in a few days. But his mom talks to him sometimes.

“Which grandparents?”

“Dad’s parents,” his mom says.

Connor nods and goes back to scrolling through his phone. He doesn’t care for Thanksgiving. Or any holiday really. He hates the holiday season. It’s centered around family, and if Connor has to watch one more movie about how family is the most important thing in the world then he might actually kill himself.

“Who else is going?” he asks.

“Dad’s sister and her family.”

Connor groans. “I hate Aunt Cathy.”

“Well, Connor, you would have complained no matter what so you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

Connor rolls his eyes and sticks his middle finger up at her when she has her back turned. He worries for a second that she can see him in the reflection of the stove, but she doesn’t say anything. Sometimes Connor wonders if she truly doesn’t notice these things, or if she just chooses not to say anything.

“So,” she begins. She turns around and takes a seat at the island. “Early action deadlines are soon. Have you thought about sending in any applications?”

Connor rolls his eyes and stands up. “God, maybe,” he mumbles and then leaves before she can say anything else.

He feels bad. He knows the school system in his town is really good. His high school constantly boasts about the fact that 98% of each graduating class goes off to a four-year college.

Connor feels like that’s all wasted on him. He should probably just drop out right now or kill himself. It’s not like he’s ever going to do anything great or leave a huge mark on the world. He’s accepted that a long time ago. Accepted the fact that he’s not important. He’s not going to make an impact. And he’s fine with that.

He locks himself in his room and opens up his laptop. He finished the application a couple weeks ago. It’s not like it was difficult. It’s just filling out information about where he grew up and what he did in high school.

Nothing. He did nothing in high school except smoke weed and skip class.

But he still needs to write an essay. So he opens up a blank word document and starts writing.

He writes for a while. About his dad and about being a fucked up person. It’s kind of sad and pathetic. It reminds him of the angsty tumblr posts he would write when he was 14 and seeking validation.

Connor closes his laptop. He straightens up his room a little bit. Evan is coming over later.

His mom made a comment about wanting to meet Evan’s mom. Connor mentioned this to Evan who mentioned it to his mom. Who thought it was a great idea.

So now their moms are going to be friends and bond over the fact that they don’t have husbands.

It’s weird to think that his mom isn’t married anymore. Even though she still wears her wedding ring. His dad’s wedding ring is sitting in a jewelry box on his mom’s dresser. He feels weird about that. He feels like his dad should have been buried with his wedding ring.

Evan texts him that they’re pulling into the driveway and Connor races downstairs to meet them outside. He opens the door to see Evan and Heidi are getting out of the car. Heidi’s dressed in her work scrubs and Connor hopes that means she can’t stay long.

“Hey,” Evan says, waving from the driveway.

Connor makes his way down the stairs and is pleasantly surprised when Heidi opens up her arms for him. He carefully steps forward and lets her hug him. It takes a few moments for him to relax and then she’s pulling away.

Heidi starts talking about a quiz she just took in one of her classes while Connor leads them into the house. His mom is standing in the doorway and Connor kind of wants to disappear. Sometimes he feels like he lives separate lives. One at school and with Evan, and one at home. Combining the two parts of his life feels strange. He doesn’t want Heidi to meet his mom.

“You must be Mrs. Hansen,” Cynthia is saying as soon as she closes the front door.

Connor glances to Evan and rolls his eyes. Who the hell else would she be?

Heidi gives her a big smile and reaches out a hand. “And you must be Mrs. Murphy. It’s so great to finally meet you. We love having Connor around the house,” Heidi says. She’s smiling a lot and shaking his mom’s hand. They both look really happy even if they’re not. His mom definitely isn’t.

“Oh, we love having Evan over too. Such a polite young man.”

Evan looks uncomfortable. Connor brushes his hand against Evan’s lightly. Small enough to look like an accident, but then Evan bumps his foot against Connor’s as well. They wait for the adults to finish talking. His mom asks Heidi if she wants to stay for dinner even though it’s pretty clear that she is on her way to work.

After their moms have exchanged numbers and made tentative plans to have dinner soon, Heidi finally announces that she has to leave. Connor watches as his mom gives Heidi a quick hug and the whole thing just feels. So. Weird. He tries to imagine his dad here and he just can’t.

“Evan, your mom is so sweet,” his mom is saying as she shuts the door. “I’m going to see if the five of us can’t all have dinner soon.”

Connor looks at her. “Five of us?”

She frowns at him. “Well, us adults, you two, and Zoe.”

Connor gives her some kind of dry smile and nods once. There’s no way Zoe would agree to that even though she doesn’t seem to mind Evan. But she hates Connor more than she likes Evan.

“That sounds like a nice idea, Mrs. Murphy,” Evan says.

She smiles and pats Evan’s shoulder before turning and heading into the kitchen. Connor grabs Evan’s wrist and pulls him upstairs.

“My mom, like, almost passed out when I told her your mom wanted them to meet,” Evan says once Connor shuts and locks the door. “I think she’s just excited about having a friend outside of work and class.”

Connor drops himself on the bed and Evan follows. “Zoe used to have a big friend group in middle school. All their parents were friends too. I think we were invited to a different pool party, like, every weekend for a couple years there.” He rests his hand on the bed against Evan’s. “My mom was super into it. She loved being in a big group of mom friends.”

Evan smiles a little bit and moves his hand so it’s resting on top of Connor’s. They sit like that for a while and Connor wants to tell Evan that he loves him. He wants to say it again. He wishes they could be the type of friends who tell each other that they love each other. Even if it’s platonic.

Because he does love Evan platonically. But he also thinks about what it would be like to kiss Evan and touch Evan and be with Evan.

Connor immediately shuts down that part of his brain because Evan’s sitting right next to him and looking at him and he’s scared that Evan can read his thoughts. That he can see right through him.

Connor also doesn’t really understand how someone can love him. He’s super super super fucked up and wrong and just a bad person all around. He doesn’t deserve someone as good as Evan.

“Oh my god,” Evan says and suddenly he’s standing up and crossing Connor’s room and standing at his dresser.

“Oh yeah,” Connor says and follows Evan. He’s staring at the fish and Connor smiles. “This is Jake.”

“Oh my god.”

“Do you like him?”

“I love him.”

“Oh, and I found some tiny succulents as well,” Connor says. He grabs a few from a plastic bag on the floor and hands them to Evan. “They’re, like, fake and shit, but I know you like plants so.”

Evan stares at the succulents Connor handed to him and nods quickly a few times. “Thanks so much, Connor. Wow. They’re, yeah, um. I really. Yeah. Thank you,” he says, speaking quickly and stumbling over his words.

“Yeah,” Connor mumbles, his face heating up. Evan’s staring at him and he forces himself to stare back. Evan gives him a lot of intense looks and Connor’s sometimes scared to stare back.

Evan has nice eyes and he wants to tell him that, but then his mom is knocking on the door and Connor goes to answer her.

Connor cracks open the door and looks at her. His family hasn’t been in his room in years. He keeps the door locked constantly.

“Dinner will be ready in a couple minutes,” she says.

Connor nods and waits for her to turn away before shutting the door again. Evan is back to staring at the fish.

“So I’m guessing you named him after Jake from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?”

“Well, obviously,” Connor says. “Oh, and don’t mention to my family that I bought a fish.”

Evan gives him a questioning look.

“They don’t know about him. I don’t think they’d care either way, but. I don’t know. I just don’t really tell them stuff,” Connor says. He feels stupid for wanting to keep his fish a secret. But most of his life is a secret from his family so what’s one more thing to add to the list.

“Okay,” Evan says. If doesn’t understand Connor’s reasoning then he doesn’t say anything. Connor’s thankful he doesn’t, but he also feels like Evan might get it anyway. Evan understands him in a way that other people in his life don’t.

They head down to the kitchen and Zoe isn’t there. Apparently she’s at a friend’s house. Connor ignores the look he feels Evan trying to give him and instead sits down at the table.

Dinner is fine. It’s not as awkward as Connor assumed it would be with just the three of them. His mom starts talking about some book she’s reading with her book club, and then Evan chimes in that he read the same book because his mom was reading it and recommended it to him.

Connor listens to them talk about this book and the movie adaptation and feels a little left out. He always feels a little left out when it comes to books. He used to be really into reading. In middle school he made up for his lack of friends with books. He even had a list of his top ten favorite books that he edited meticulously before turning in to his English teacher to be published in the eighth grade yearbook.

And then he grew depressed and lost interest in everything, including reading, and spent all his time smoking weed.

“So what do you guys plan on doing tonight?” his mom asks.

Connor shrugs. It’s not like they do much besides drive around and sit at the orchard. Which sounds boring, but there’s nothing Connor would rather do than sit in an abandoned orchard with Evan.

“Not sure,” Connor says in lieu of any orchard talk.

“Well, Evan, you’re free to spend the night here,” his mom says.

Evan smiles and nods. He thanks her again. Connor briefly wonders if he’d still be this polite without the social anxiety. Probably.

They finish eating a few minutes later and Connor naturally makes his way to the garage instead of back upstairs. Evan follows him.

“Wanna go driving?” Connor asks even though they’re already walking to the car.

Evan nods and then they’re climbing into his car and Connor hands his phone to Evan to pick the music. They drive around for a little bit before ending up at the orchard. Evan makes a comment about wanting ice cream and Connor is turning the car around before he can even think.

“There’s a little ice cream place right down the street. A La Mode. My family and I used to go there all the time.”

“I don’t have any money on me.”

“Shut up, I’ll pay for you.”

“I’ll pay you back.”

Connor shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.” He likes the idea of paying for Evan. He doesn’t know why it warms his heart so much.

Everything gives off a familiar vibe when Connor pulls into the parking lot. It’s not that big of an ice cream stand, only a few picnic tables scattered around. He leads Evan up to one of the windows and they order. At the last second, Connor orders some ice cream to go. For his mom and Zoe.

He doesn’t really know why he does it. But maybe they’ll appreciate it. And he’s trying to be a better person.

Evan gives him a little smile and they sit at an empty picnic table together. They eat in silence for a while and eventually Evan takes out his phone and takes some pictures of the trees around them and of the ice cream. Then he’s telling Connor to smile and pointing his phone at him.

“This is going on Instagram immediately,” Evan smiles down at his phone.

“God, no, I probably look hideous,” Connor rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t really mind. He kind of likes the idea of being featured on Evan’s Instagram. No matter how stupid that thought may be.

“Stop, you look good,” Evan says without skipping a beat. He’s staring down at his phone and doesn’t notice the way Connor blushes to himself.

They eat for a little longer in silence. Evan hooks his ankle around Connor’s and Connor tries to keep still. Tries to keep his body from physically exploding on the spot.

They eventually finish and go to the car. Connor thinks that they probably shouldn’t go to the orchard because he has ice cream in the car and they should probably just go home.

But he drives to the orchard anyway. He and Evan get out of the car and it’s dark outside and kind of cold, but then Evan’s grabbing his hand and it’s like his whole body is on fire. Like he could be in the middle of a snowstorm and it wouldn’t matter as long as Evan was there, holding his hand and looking at him.

They walk a while and don’t really talk about much. Evan rambles a bit about some TV show he’s watching and Connor just listens. He likes listening to Evan speak. His voice is soft and smooth and quick.

But then they stop talking and walking and they sit on a really old bench they find. They sit close enough for their legs to be pressed together and Evan holds onto Connor’s hand.

“Does it ever fuck you up that you could die without having made an impact on the world?” Evan says out of the blue. He’s staring up at the sky. He looks worried.

“Not really,” Connor says. He squeezes Evan’s hand. “I used to be worried about that. About leaving some kind of mark. But I kind of just stopped caring years ago. I came to terms with that fact that I probably won’t do anything meaningful. I’ve made my peace with it.”

Evan frowns at this. “You’re just okay with the idea of disappearing? Being forgotten?”

“I haven’t done anything significant. What are people going to remember me for? Cutting class and looking emo? I don’t want people to remember me.”

“That’s,” Evan pauses. “That’s kind of sad.”

“Yeah, welcome to my life.”

“I don’t think I could stand the idea of people forgetting you. You’re,” Evan hesitates and then looks away from Connor. “I don’t know. You’re just, like, incredible.”

Connor feels himself heating up. He’s not important and he knows it. “I’m really not.”

Evan smiles at this and shuffles his body closer to Connor’s. He rests his head on Connor’s shoulder and he can feel Evan’s hair brush against his cheek.

“I know I’m not important,” Evan says suddenly.

Connor frowns. Evan’s the most important person in his life.

“It’s like,” Evan pauses. “If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody around to hear it then did it even make a sound? I dropped myself out of a 40-foot tall oak tree and no one came to get me. I certainly didn’t make a sound."

Connor hates that Evan thinks so little of himself. “You’ve impacted my life. Isn’t that worth something?”

Evan picks his head up and looks at him again. Their faces are really close and Connor can feel Evan’s breath on his face. “It’s worth everything.”

He holds Evan’s stare. It’s late and dark enough that they almost can’t see each other and Connor allows himself to let his eyes flicker to Evan’s lips. He can feel Evan’s fingers fidgeting in his hand so he squeezes tightly and Evan gives him a tiny smile.

And then Connor’s speaking before his brain can tell him to shut up. “Do you remember what you said the other night? After I took you home from Jared’s?” His voice is soft. Quiet. Uncertain. He whispers because even though it’s like they’re the only two people in the world, Connor’s terrified of breaking the moment they’re having. Like any sudden movement could have the whole thing crashing to the ground.

Evan stares at him. “Yeah and I meant it,” he says simply. He sounds sure of himself and, not for the first time, Connor feels like the weaker one in their friendship.

“I thought because, like, you had been drinking and, like, I don’t know. Um.”

“I do love you, Connor.”

He’s going to die he’s actually going to fucking die he’s going to pass out and have a heart attack and a brain aneurism and spontaneously combust all at the same time until there’s nothing left of him and they’ll have to write _Cause of Death: Evan Hansen_ on his death certificate.

“You’re my best friend and I love you and I don’t want you to, like, die tomorrow without knowing that.”

Connor stares at him.

“Without knowing that you matter and that you’re the most important person in my life.”

Well now he really can’t kill himself because of how much he means to Evan. Even though Connor used to tell himself that he shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to die because he wouldn’t be alive to feel the guilt of leaving people behind.

He used to agonize over the pain he would cause his mom if he killed himself. He’s brought himself to tears just thinking about his mom’s reaction to learning that he died. He can’t imagine what she would do if she was the one to find him.

So he stayed alive. Until he began to resent her and decided that she deserves to feel the same type of pain. She deserves to know that she failed as a parent. She deserves to find her child dead.

Connor feels guilty for thinking those thoughts, but he doesn’t know how to let go. He doesn’t know how to forgive her and forget the anger and move on. Sometimes it feels easier to hold onto the anger and live with that the rest of his life.

But then he thinks about how he’s going to live the rest of his life with anger at his father. Anger that will go unresolved. Anger that will sit inside of him, burning until it eventually flickers out and fades away. Until enough years have passed that he’s not as angry as he used to be. Some people from the support group say that the really intense feelings kind of just dull after a while. He doesn’t know what to make of that.

He’s brought back to reality when Evan moves his hand up Connor’s arm and plays with his sleeve. He gives this small, goofy smile and rests his head on Connor’s shoulder again.

“You’re the most important person in my life too.”

He can’t kill himself. Not when Evan’s in his life. Evan doesn’t deserve to have a dead best friend. He doesn’t deserve that kind of pain and suffering.

Connor also doesn’t really want to die as much as he used to. Sometimes he makes Evan laugh and he thinks that he could spend the rest of his life, he could spend another 70 years, looking for ways to make Evan happy. Maybe that’s worth staying alive for.

Maybe he isn’t important to the world. Maybe he won’t be remembered or make a significant impact. Maybe neither of them will.

But they have each other. They make each other happy. And that’s more than Connor could have ever asked for.


	15. Heavy Hearts and Open Minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Heidi talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so it’s been over a week and this is kinda short, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wanted this to be its own chapter. I’ll have another (much longer) update for y’all by Friday so look forward to that. Enjoy this for now!!
> 
> Feel free to drop a comment/kudos. Literally any feedback motivates me!
> 
> Title is from Happy Endings Are Stories That Haven’t Ended Yet by Mayday Parade.

They decide to spend the night at Evan’s house.

Evan mentions that his mom will be working all night. Connor likes the idea of having the whole house to just themselves. He also likes the idea of not having to worry about the sleeping situation. His mom would ask why Evan isn’t sleeping in the guest room. And he’s sure Zoe wants him out of the house as much as possible.

But Heidi won’t be home until early in the morning and there’s no one else there. So they go to Evan’s house.

They stop at Connor’s house quickly on the way back. Just so he can grab a change of clothes and he can drop off the ice cream. He feels a little stupid for buying ice cream for his family and briefly thinks about just throwing it away before anyone finds out.

His mom is in the kitchen when Connor enters. She doesn’t look up so he clears his throat to get her attention.

She smiles at him. “Where’s Evan?”

“He’s waiting in the car. I’m gonna sleep over at his house,” Connor says and hopes that she doesn’t question why they don’t stay here.

“Alright.” A pause. “What’s in the bag?”

Connor glances down to the bag with the ice cream like he had forgotten. He sets it on the island in front of her. “Evan and I got ice cream. I brought extra for you guys,” he says. He tries to keep his voice and face neutral. He doesn’t want her to make a big deal out of it.

His mom smiles even wider and takes the ice cream out of the bag. “A La Mode? Gosh, I don’t think I’ve been there in several years. Do you remember how we used to go all the time?”

Connor nods and tries to smile back at her. Like they’re the kind of mother and son who reminisce on happy memories and he brings her ice cream because he’s a good person.

“There’s a lot in here,” she says.

“It’s for you and Zoe,” Connor says.

She looks surprised, but happy. “Well, that’s very generous, Connor. Thank you.”

He shrugs and then goes upstairs. He packs a bag as quickly as possible and he’s back downstairs in record time. He says bye to his mom and heads out to his car. Evan’s sitting in the passenger seat scrolling through his phone and smiles when Connor gets into the car.

They drive back to Evan’s house and it’s almost midnight. They go upstairs, change into pajamas, and then meet back up in Evan’s room. Evan climbs into bed and leaves space for Connor.

The only light in Evan’s room is the mini lava lamp in the corner. It’s dark red. Apparently Evan’s dad bought it for him back in middle school. Evan uses it because he says he would feel guilty if his dad spent money on him and he just put it in the back of the closet to never be touched. It would be like tossing money down the drain, Evan explains.

Connor tries to understand even though he can’t. He’s witnessed the way his mom goes shopping, buys hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, and then leaves them in the shopping bags in her closet. He’s watched her throw out clothes that still have the tag on them. He suddenly feels guilty that his mom throws away money while Evan’s mom works her ass off to make ends meet.

“It’s not like money buys happiness, but it would be nice to have one less thing to worry about,” Evan says. He isn’t looking at Connor.

“I’m sorry,” Connor says because he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to say.

They’re quiet again and Evan gives him a small smile and turns his head to the ceiling. He holds Connor’s hand.

Connor glances at the shelves behind Evan’s bed. There are some books and video games and other knick knacks lying around. There’s also a tiny replica of the Washington Monument. Evan catches him staring.

“That’s from the D.C. trip in eighth grade,” he says.

“Oh,” Connor nods and then looks away. “I didn’t go.” He was one of the few kids who didn’t go on the class trip.

“Why not?”

He stares at Evan’s comforter and traces the pattern with his fingers. “Too many detentions. And then they caught me smoking behind the school while skipping class and that was the last straw.”

“Oh.”

“It’s not a big deal. I didn’t really wanna go anyway. No one would have wanted to be my roommate.”

Evan touches his hand. “I had to be roommates with Jared and his two other friends. The three of them hung out the whole trip and I just kinda hung out by myself. The history teacher, Mrs. Blake, felt really bad for me. She bought me that monument,” Evan says.

“That’s, like, really fucking sad.”

Evan cracks a tiny smile and sighs. He rolls over and they’re face to face. They fall asleep like that, their heads close together and staring at each other. It’s intense. Connor thinks that he would die for Evan Hansen. Even if his life was perfect and he wasn’t suicidal, he’d still die for Evan.

Connor wakes up at five and turns and looks at Evan. He’s frowning in his sleep. He reaches out and grabs one of Evan’s hands and holds it. He allows himself stare at Evan.

His throat is really fucking dry so he carefully removes himself from Evan’s bed and sneaks out of the bedroom to get some water. And then he’s frozen in the hallway because Heidi is standing there just outside of the bathroom. She’s in pajamas and Connor always thinks it’s weird to see an adult in pajamas. But he can’t focus on that right now because she just watched him leave her son’s bedroom at five in the morning.

She gives him a knowing smile. “Hi sweetie.”

“Hi,” Connor says cautiously. He tugs on his sleeves subconsciously.

She stares at him for a minute. It’s the same intense stare that Evan gives him a lot. “How are you?” It holds some weight.

His guard is instantly up. It always is when he hears that question. “Fine, you?”

She steps closer to him. “I don’t want to be another nagging adult in your life, but you’ve been through a lot recently. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Connor looks down at the floor to avoid eye contact and he nods a bunch of times because then maybe he’ll be able to convince her that he’s fine and she’ll leave him alone. But then he’s tearing up before he can stop himself and he lets out a tiny noise and Heidi is walking toward him and pulling him into her arms and it’s awkward because he’s a whole foot taller than her, but she’s rubbing his back and it makes him feel really, really small.

She holds him and rubs his back while he cries and tries to pull himself together. After a couple minutes he forces himself to stop crying and pulls back from her. He wipes his cheeks and looks away. He can’t look at her.

She leads him downstairs and to the kitchen. He sits at the table and she grabs two mugs and begins boiling some water. He stares out the window and watches the beginnings of the sunrise. Heidi joins him a few minutes later with two mugs of tea. He still can’t look at her.

“My mom died when I was in college,” she says after a few minutes. “I was 20 and I just became pregnant with Evan when she was in a plane crash.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor says because he doesn’t know what else to say. He finally looks at her.

She has a tiny, sad smile. “I dropped out that summer after my sophomore year. I was in no place to take care of a newborn and grieve while being in school.”

He nods and looks down at the table. Heidi doesn’t seem like she carries around the weight of a dead parent. Connor feels like he won’t ever be able to let go.

“How do you move on?” he asks.

She takes a sip of tea. “You don’t ever really move on,” she says. She places a hand on his. “It’s cliché, but time really does help. After a while the pain just fades away. But you will always carry the person with you.”

Connor feels himself tearing up again and he wipes his eyes. Heidi squeezes his hand.

“Some days are harder than others. Just the other day I teared up thinking about how my mother won’t be around to see me or Evan graduate. But it really does get easier. I’m not angry like I used to be.”

“You were angry?”

“Oh, sure,” she says. “Try to imagine me eight months pregnant and screaming in the middle of a cemetery.” She smiles a tiny bit and drinks more tea. “It doesn’t feel like it was me. It feels like a lifetime ago. Like it never even happened. The whole first year is fuzzy in my mind. Time is weird like that.”

Connor stares down at the table. “We didn’t have a great relationship. My dad and I. And sometimes I feel like. Like I’ll never get past it.” He whispers it. Like he’s ashamed to admit that they didn’t get along. He doesn’t want to reveal how broken he actually is.

“Time helps with that too,” Heidi says. “My last conversation with my mother was a fight. She wasn’t happy with me getting pregnant at such a young age. Said I was irresponsible and stupid,” she pauses. She doesn’t look upset. She looks like she’s describing something that happened in a movie rather than her own life.

Connor’s last conversation with his dad was planning an upcoming trip to New York City. His dad was practically begging for him to sign up for college tours and Connor suggested New York. His dad’s eyes instantly lit up and he suggested they also visit a museum or two. He seemed excited and Connor was happy with that conversation.

And then his dad died the next day. He watched his dad leave for work from his bedroom window before leaving his room. And then his dad died a few hours later.

“I actually named Evan after my mom. Her name was Evelyn.”

Connor looks at her again and smiles because she’s smiling. Maybe one day he can move on and live his life without this weighing him down. Maybe one day he can be a functional, healthy person.

He hopes Heidi stays in his life. He likes her a lot. He doesn’t understand how Evan can resent her.

They sit in silence for a little bit until they finish their tea and then Heidi says that she’s going to bed. Connor instantly feels guilty because he realizes that she was at work all night and then came home to stay up even longer and comfort him.

“You coming back upstairs?” she asks.

Connor nods slowly and follows her back upstairs. She has to know he and Evan have been sleeping in the same bed. She has to know. She’s not stupid. She’s not ignorant like his mom.

He follows her until he reaches Evan’s room and pauses by the doorway and then she turns around and stares at him.

She looks hesitant, but speaks anyway. “I’m really, really happy you and Evan found each other.”

Connor feels his face going red and looks down. He smiles to himself.

“You compliment each other well,” she says.

He looks up at her. “I really love having him in my life.”

She gives him another knowing smile. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” he says. He pauses. “And. Um. Thank you. For what you said. I really appreciate it.”

She gives him another soft smile. “Any time, honey. I’m here if you ever want to talk. And if I’m not here here then I’m a phone call away. A text, email. Whatever.”

“Thank you,” he says. He doesn’t know if he’ll take her up on her offer, but he might. Either way, he likes the conversation they had.

They stand in the hallway for another couple of seconds before Heidi goes into her room and Connor goes into Evan’s. He shuts the door and sneaks back into bed. They have to get up in an hour.

He’s going to be okay. He’s watching the sun slowly rise through the window. Evan is breathing next to him. It’s the quiet, calm moments like this that let Connor believe that maybe one day he’ll be okay.


	16. Just Hopeless Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s thanksgiving and Connor is his usual angsty self. Zoe tests a theory and Evan spends the holiday alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol remember when I said I would update by Friday? Rip.
> 
> Anyway here’s the chapter! It’s a long one so enjoy! Feel free to leave me a comment/kudos!!! I love knowing what you guys think of this and I feed off attention sooo thanks :)
> 
> Zoe once read a tumblr post that said tears are good for your skin and she never bothered fact checking.
> 
> Title is from I’ve Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) by Fall Out Boy.

Connor ends up falling asleep again by accident and wakes up at seven feeling much more exhausted. Evan’s standing next to the bed, fully dressed, and shaking him lightly. Connor groans and shuts his eyes again.

“We have to leave soon. And be quiet because my mom is sleeping. I think she got home around five.” Evan stands there for another moment. “Meet me in the kitchen. I’ll make us breakfast.”

Connor remembers the conversation he and Heidi had a couple hours ago and the way he cried and how she held him and the knowing look she gave him when he started talking about Evan.

She knows she knows she knows fuck.

Connor isn’t even sure if he likes Evan. He doesn’t want to think about that. Evan’s cool and he wants to spend all his time with Evan and he kind of wants to kiss Evan. But. Does that mean he likes Evan? Does that mean he’s gay? Maybe he’s gay.

Maybe he’s bisexual because when he was a kid there was a neighbor who was a girl who he would play with a lot. They would ride their bikes together and their parents joked about them getting married.

The girl picked flowers for him on Valentine’s Day when they were seven. He can’t remember her name anymore.

He wonders where she is. He wonders if her parents are alive. Does she know that the dad of her old neighbor is dead?

Or maybe he’s pansexual because it’s not like he likes Evan because he’s a guy. He just likes Evan. He likes him so so so much. He likes Evan in a way that makes him feel like a 13-year-old. A happy-go-lucky 13-year-old with a cute crush on a cute boy.

When Zoe was 13 she had a crush on a boy named Eli and they slow danced at the end of year dance together. Their relationship lasted a month until he went off to camp and kissed another girl on a dare.

Sometimes Connor wonders if he’s asexual because the idea of having sex with another person feels too overwhelming. He can’t imagine wanting to be that vulnerable. Being entirely naked and letting someone see his body.

But he does have a sex drive and maybe he’s thought about Evan in that way before. When it’s really, really late and he’s alone in his room and his inhibitions are low.

Connor pulls himself out of Evan’s bed and quietly sneaks into the bathroom. He feels guilty that Heidi worked all night and then came home to comfort her son’s sad friend. He’s just an inconvenience.

He goes downstairs and eats breakfast with Evan. He’s exhausted, but he almost doesn’t mind the fact that they have to go to school soon. Connor likes having the morning before school with Evan. He’s happy their moms allow them to have sleepovers on school nights. Connor thinks it’s probably because they’re both just thankful their sons have a friend.

School is fine. It’s slightly more bearable knowing that they only have two and a half days before a long weekend. The good thing about the holiday season is the time off from school. The bad thing is the family.

“What are your Thanksgiving plans?” Connor asks on the drive to school.

“Oh,” Evan says. Like it only just occurred to him that Thanksgiving is in a few days. “My mom, um, she always works because she gets paid time and a half. It’s good money I guess so I just sit at home and order Chinese food.”

“You’ve never had a real Thanksgiving dinner?”

“Well, we would go to my grandparents. Before my dad left. They were his parents. I haven’t seen them in a while. Jared’s family invited us over a couple times, but. I don’t know. I guess they’ve been going out of town a lot recently.”

Connor frowns. Evan deserves more than that. “That sucks.”

Evan shrugs. “It’s my normal. I guess.” He pauses. “My dad invited me to Colorado for Thanksgiving.”

“I thought he wanted you to visit in the summer?”

“He does, but I guess he wants me to, like, I don’t know. Get to know his family now.”

“Are you gonna go?”

“Probably not,” Evan says. He sighs. “My mom said I should go if I want to. But planes make me nervous. And it’s not even like he’s really my family or anything.”

They’re quiet for a couple of seconds as Connor pulls into the school parking lot. “I’m going to my grandparents’ house. I think I’m gonna keep track of how many times they mention my dad.”

“You could turn that into a fun drinking game.”

“And die of alcohol poisoning.”

Evan laughs and touches Connor’s shoulder gently and then gets out of the car. He follows Evan and as they walk into the school he catches a glimpse of Zoe. She’s walking by them and he expects her to ignore him, but then she stops. She turns and doesn’t smile, but she gives a little nod.

“Hey guys,” she says. She keeps her distance and she’s looking more at Evan than at Connor.

“Hi Zoe,” Evan says quietly.

Connor gives her a skeptical look. This is the first time they’ve spoken since the fight. And they never talk at school.

“Hi,” Connor says, but it comes out sounding like a question.

Zoe looks at him and stares at him before turning and hurrying away.

“What the fuck?” Connor asks out loud to know one in the crowded hallway. He looks at Evan who shrugs.

They go off to their separate classes. Connor has study hall first block, which is nice. It’s essentially a free period to do nothing. Connor appreciates it.

And then Jared sits down at the desk next to him.

“How’s it going, Murphy?” Jared asks. He grabs some loose papers from his backpack. It’s all unfinished homework.

“Fine,” Connor says.

His guard is up around Jared. He doesn’t trust Jared. One day he’s calling Connor a freak and the next he’s acting like they’re good friends. Connor doesn’t like that.

He also doesn’t like how Jared treats Evan like he’s disposable. Like he doesn’t even matter.

Jared should be nicer to Evan. Connor should be nicer to Zoe.

“Hey, um,” Jared starts.

Connor looks at him.

“You and Evan should come over again. Maybe you can actually stay and hang out,” Jared says. His voice wavers a bit. He doesn’t sound as confident as he normally does.

Connor frowns because there’s no way Jared actually wants to hang out with him. It’s probably a set up.

“Do you, um. Are you free this weekend?” Jared asks.

Connor stares at him. It’s not like he ever has plans besides hanging out with Evan every single day. “I don’t know. Maybe,” he eventually settles on.

Jared smiles a tiny bit at this and then changes the subject to complaining about his English teacher. Hating teachers is Connor’s thing so they trade insults about old teachers and it feels almost normal.

“Wait,” Jared says after there’s a pause in the conversation. Connor looks at him and Jared glances around the room to make sure no one’s looking at them. No one is. “So you and Evan,” he trails off. Connor doesn’t say anything, but he feels nervous. “You guys are like. I don’t know. Like. Together?”

Connor feels his face and ears burning and his heart racing and his hands shaking and he looks away from Jared and shakes his head. This is definitely Jared teasing him and then he’s going to know about Connor’s stupid feelings and tell Evan and their friendship will be ruined.

“Hey, man, it’s like cool if you guys are. I don’t care if you’re gay or whatever.”

“I’m not gay,” Connor says. He whispers it and stares down at the ground. He suddenly feels like he’s in middle school again.

Jared actually seems confused. “So you guys aren’t together?”

“We’re just friends,” he insists.

Jared taps at his desk for a second. “Could have fooled me. You should see the way Evan looks at you.”

Connor glances back at him and feels his heart picking up. There’s no way that Evan likes him like that. It’s definitely Jared just pandering to his stupid feelings. He’s probably going to laugh at him behind his back.

“Wait,” Connor says. He has to ask. He has to. It’s going to eat at him if he doesn’t because sometimes a thought pops into his head and it’s impossible for him to let it go unless he acts on it. “Are you saying that Evan likes me?”

Jared looks panicked and looks down at his desk. He scribbles on the edge of his homework. “I don’t know. He’s never said anything.” A pause. “Do you like Evan?”

“No,” Connor says immediately. He holds Jared’s stare and he hopes Jared doesn’t mention this conversation to Evan. He doesn’t want Evan to know about his feelings. It’s really embarrassing. He doesn’t want anyone to know.

Jared looks like he’s going to say something else, but then the bell rings and Connor can’t leave the room fast enough. He’s just happy to get away from this conversation and away from Jared. Jared makes him nervous. Connor’s thankful that they don’t have gym today. He doesn’t know how he’d handle being around Evan and Jared at the same time after that conversation.

The rest of the day is fine. Evan has a therapy appointment right after school and his mom is picking him up so Connor drives home alone. He doesn’t do much driving without Evan these days. It feels a little lonely. And then he feels pathetic and codependent for missing Evan even though Connor saw him that day.

God, he needs to get a grip.

On Tuesday Connor passes Zoe in the hall twice and she waves at him both times.

On Wednesday he passes Alana Beck in the hall and she waves and asks him how he’s doing.

It’s Thanksgiving the day after and his mom insists they leave the house early enough to beat the traffic. His dad’s parents live two hours away.

Zoe’s driving. Their mom is in the passenger seat. Connor’s in the back with his headphones on and music turned up.

“Zoe, please remember to use your turn signal even when we’re in the neighborhood,” their mom says. She sighs like she’s said it a thousand times before.

“I know,” Zoe says as she takes another sharp turn.

Connor winces as the car jolts to a stop at a red light. “God, I can’t watch this,” he mumbles.

“You wanna drive, asshole?” Zoe says even though her tone isn’t as malicious. Connor gives her a smirk and flips his middle finger at her. She flips one back.

“Guys, stop,” their mom says, her tone sharp. “No fighting today. Please.”

“We’re not fighting,” Zoe says. The light turns green and she drives a little slower than before.

Zoe’s had her license for two months and she’s still not a great driver. She failed her first driver’s test for running a right on red without stopping. She drives too fast and she forgets to use her blinker a lot.

Connor drives fast too, but he’s a better driver than her. Even his dad, who at times seemed like he was looking for any opportunity to berate Connor, constantly had to ask Zoe to slow down and pay more attention.

Zoe’s phone dings and she glances down at her lap.

“Zoe, eyes on the road,” their mom says.

“Your text messages are going to kill us all,” Connor says even though he wouldn’t mind dying. Except he would want to see Evan one more time and maybe even kiss him.

“Sorry, it’s Alana,” Zoe says.

Connor straightens up. “Why are you friends with Alana Beck?”

Zoe blushes and doesn’t look at him. She stares at the road. “We have study hall together and she’s nice.” She pauses. “God, leave me alone.”

Connor rolls his eyes and puts his headphones back on. He’s in for a long two hours. He opens up his messages and stares at his and Evan’s last conversation. He starts typing.

_happy thanksgiving today i am thankful for weed. god bless and goodnight_

_It’s nine in the morning._

_Are you high?_

_wish i was. in the car with my family. would you believe im the good driver in the family and zoe’s the bad driver_

_so if i die in a car wreck??? blame zoe_

_Please don’t die you’re my only friend._

_ill do my best_

The rest of the drive is fairly uneventful. Zoe plays music and their mom does a crossword in the passenger seat. She occasionally speaks up to ask for help on a clue or to ask Zoe to slow down. Connor texts Evan the whole time.

Evan’s going to be home alone all day. Apparently his mom already left for work and won’t be back until after midnight.

_Microwave popcorn, a pack of ramen, and frozen waffles are my Thanksgiving dinner. Is that like really sad?_

_i honestly would switch places with u in a heartbeat_

_Or you could just join me._

_dude u know i would if could :/_

_Ik :(_

His grandparents moved into a retirement community a few years ago. All the houses look similar and driving through the neighborhood always makes Connor feel like he’s in some strange utopian society.

The second Zoe parks in the driveway his mom is out of the car. Connor gives himself a moment to take a deep breath and then reaches for the door handle. He can already see his grandparents greeting his mom and giving her a long hug.

“This is going to be a lot,” Zoe says. She’s still holding onto the steering wheel and then she looks back at him.

Connor stares at her. He nods.

She looks hesitant. “If you, like. If you need to get out of there at all, like, if it’s too overwhelming. Tell me and maybe, I don’t know, maybe we can find a way to sneak out.”

This is weird. What the fuck, Zoe? “Okay?”

“Don’t make it weird.”

“Why are you being nice to me?”

She stares at him and looks like she might speak, but instead she just shakes her head and gets out of the car.

_not to be a stereotypical misogynistic guy but i think zoe’s on her period. she’s acting weird_

_How so?_

_she’s being NICE to me? like. what the fuck._

_Connor, that’s a GOOD thing._

_yeah but i dont deserve it_

“Connor!” his grandmother says as soon as he gets out of the car.

“Hi Grandma,” he says. He puts on a polite smile and stiffens up when she hugs him.

His grandfather hugs him too and they both make a comment about how tall he’s gotten. And then they make a comment about how they wish his dad was there, and Connor struggles not to roll his eyes as the three adults on the porch stare at each other sadly. Connor looks at Zoe who’s staring at the wall.

They head inside and the house smells a lot like his childhood. They used to go to their grandparents’ house every year for Thanksgiving. They stopped around the time that Connor was 15. Maybe that’s why things don’t feel so different for him this year. His family holiday traditions died years ago.

His dad’s sister, his Aunt Cathy, is standing in the kitchen with her husband. She hugs his mom the second she sees her.

“Oh my god. Cynthia. How are you holding up? Here, come, take a seat,” his aunt says and she’s pulling his mom into a seat.

They start talking and then his grandfather starts asking Zoe about jazz band and school and Connor finds himself awkwardly standing by the front door. He silently makes his way into the living room where his cousins are talking, and takes a seat on the rocking chair in the corner of the room.

Connor only has two first cousins on his dad’s side of the family. They’re ten years older than him and Zoe, and he used to always look up to them.

His cousins cried a lot at the funeral. They called his dad Cool Uncle Larry and told stories about his dad. It’s weird hearing stories about his dad. It’s like every single person his dad has ever interacted with is suddenly coming out of the woodwork to share their story. It’s really annoying and it feels like other people are seeking attention. Like whoever is closest to the dead guy wins. It makes him want to punch something. Instead he texts Evan.

_u know who i wish i was spending my thanksgiving with?_

_Me?_

_well. i was gonna say jake bc he’s a fish and doesnt talk but yes ofc u too_

_I’m flattered._

“Who are you texting?”

Connor looks up and his cousins are looking at him. Matt and Jamie. Connor feels weird around them. They’re like actual adults with actual careers and lives and relationships. Matt got married last year and Jamie is currently engaged. Connor can’t really imagine them as teenagers even though he grew up with them in his life.

“Um. My friend,” Connor says. Then Zoe walks into the room.

“Evan?” she supplies.

Connor looks at her. “Who else?”

“Who’s Evan?” Jamie asks.

Connor wishes he wasn’t blushing. He was totally giving himself away. “My friend.”

Connor hates being around extended family, but in the past few years they just ignore him. He sits in the corner silently on his phone and lets Zoe do the talking. He’s happy to disappear in the corner.

His grandma starts making a fuss about running out of some ingredient and Connor offers to go to the store for her. His mom eyes him warily and sighs while his grandma is pulling cash from her wallet.

“I think 20 should be enough,” she says and hands the bill to Connor.

Connor nods and makes his way to the front door. His mom follows him.

“I expect you to be back here within the hour and with the change,” she says.

Connor rolls his eyes. “Okay whatever,” he mumbles. He can’t blame her. There have been times where he’s offered to go to the store for her and comes back hours later high.

“Take Zoe with you,” his mom says.

“What?” Connor asks.

“I don’t mind,” Zoe says, suddenly appearing by their mom’s side.

Connor eyes her doubtfully because they made a silent agreement years ago to avoid each other at all costs, but it’s like the past few days Zoe’s been shoving that rule out the window. She’s going out of her way to talk to him and be nice to him. He doesn’t trust it. Or her.

“You don’t have to,” he says, but she’s already getting her shoes on and grabbing the keys out of his hands.

He follows her to the car and she pulls up directions on how to get to the nearest grocery store. It’s weird and they don’t talk, but Zoe plugs in her phone and plays the newest Fall Out Boy album because apparently she remembers that he likes their music.

“Do you remember that time you snuck out of the house to go to a Fall Out Boy concert?” she asks.

He frowns. “How do you know about that?”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re really not as sneaky as you think,” she says.

The comment makes him feel uneasy. He doesn’t need her knowing anything about him. She’d probably just end up more hurt. It’s why he put distance between them in the first place.

They’re in and out of the store quickly. Zoe tries convincing him to buy a cookie for the two of them to sneak on the car ride home and Connor just. Well. Connor can’t figure her out for the life of him. He has no fucking clue what’s going on with her and it’s driving him a little insane.

“Okay, can I ask?” Connor says. He grips the wheel tightly and is happy he has to look at the road and not her.

“What?”

“You’re, like. You’re being nice,” he says.

She pauses. “Yeah?”

“Why?”

She sighs and he can feel her shutting down a little bit.

“I told you to,” he pauses. He can’t say it again.

She flinches from beside him.

“Why are you being nice to me?”

She doesn’t look at him. “I think you’re a good person,” she shrugs. “I’m testing a theory.”

“What’s your theory?”

“I think you care, but you don’t know how to show it. Or maybe you’re scared to admit that you care.”

Connor pulls into the driveway and parks the car. He looks at Zoe and she’s looking at him. His phone lights up in his lap and it’s a string of texts from Evan. He glances back up and Zoe’s face is unreadable. They used to get each other really well. They were always on the same page when they were kids. But Connor has no idea who she is now.

He needs to apologize. He knows he needs to apologize. He needs to apologize for everything. Starting with pushing her down when they were toddlers and ending with the cold attitude he’s been giving her for years.

He imagines apologizing to Zoe and her accepting and both of them crying and then hugging and deciding to pull together as a family during this rough time.

A lot of people have been telling him that he and Zoe need each other right now. That they’ll always be in each others’ lives and that they need to be there for one another.

Connor doesn’t know how to be there for Zoe. He doesn’t know how to apologize so he just stays silent and looks back at her.

Eventually she gets out of the car and he sits there and texts Evan.

_whenever ppl say im a good person im like ok but source_

_You are a good person!_

_Receipt: you talked me down from a panic attack and held my hand until I felt better._

_just bc i do one nice thing doesnt mean im a good person_

_Just because you’ve done bad things in the past doesn’t mean you’re a bad person._

_Good people can do bad things, but those bad actions don’t make someone a bad person._

Connor sits in between his mom and Zoe at the dinner table. He’s quiet for the entire meal. The rest of the family talks about old Thanksgivings and shares funny stories about his dad. His grandfather tells one story of the time when his dad was a kid and accidentally hit a baseball through a window on Thanksgiving and ended up cutting his leg really badly. They spent Thanksgiving in the hospital.

Connor glances at her mom who has tears in her eyes. That story has been told every single Thanksgiving as far back as Connor can remember. It would always end with his dad showing off the small scar that he still had on his ankle all those years later.

It feels different now. It’s like they’re keeping him alive with these stories. Connor thinks about how that memory will die with his grandparents and then the story dies when it stops getting told. His dad lives on in stories and memories and Connor’s scared of forgetting. He’s scared of what that means.

His grandparents outlived their son. They had to bury their son. That doesn’t sit well with Connor. He glances to his mom. She looks tired. He can’t imagine putting her through that. Forcing her to bury him. He doesn’t want to put her through that. He used to want that because he was angry with her. Sometimes he still wants that. Sometimes he just wants to forget the anger and move on, but he doesn’t know how. He’ll probably just be stuck in a perpetual state of loving and hating his family. He doesn’t know how to escape it.

He glances at Zoe who’s staring down at her lap and fiddling with her sleeve. She’s wearing one of their dad’s old sweaters. It’s really big on her and Connor feels bad for her. She doesn’t deserve a dead dad or a shitty brother. She’s a good person.

Connor stays quiet for the rest of the night. His family doesn’t try talking to him and he’s fine with it. He’s uncertain and a little afraid of what the rest of his family knows about him. He knows that his parents would talk about his issues to his extended family. He hates that they know really personal things about him. He hates that they probably have a negative view of him.

They sit around the house for a while after dinner. The adults talk and Zoe talks with their cousins and Connor sits in the corner on his phone. They used to spend the night after Thanksgiving. Connor and Zoe would sleep in their dad’s childhood bedroom.

Eventually his mom makes a comment about getting home on time. They say goodbye and his mom hugs his grandparents for a long time and it’s all very tearful. His cousins cry and his aunt and uncle cry and it’s like every fucking person is crying except for Connor.

And Zoe. He looks over at her and she’s not crying. She looks bored. She starts walking to the car and Connor follows her.

“You’d think they’d dehydrate from all this crying,” Zoe says.

Connor smiles a tiny bit.

She gets into the car and he follows. “But they say crying is good for your skin. Maybe that’s why Mom looks so young lately. That, or the botox.”

“Mom doesn’t use botox.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “I know. I was kidding.”

“Oh,” Connor says and then he laughs a little bit. “You’re funny.” They have the same sense of humor. He forgets that a lot.

His mom gets in the car a few minutes later and Zoe starts driving.

They get home kind of late, but Evan still texts him saying that he should come over.

_Only if you want!!! You’re probably tired from all the driving and everything, but idk. I just want you to come over._

So Connor runs to his room, shoves extra clothes and his laptop in his backpack and races back to his car. He tells his mom that he’s going over to Evan’s and she gives him a little bit of a look, which he chooses to ignore.

Evan answers the door and Connor already feels at ease again. Evan makes his heart race, but he also makes him calm. He’s comfortable with Evan. He’s at home with Evan.

They go to Evan’s room and lay in his bed and just talk. Connor talks about visiting his family. Evan talks about spending the day by himself. Connor feels bad that Evan had to spend the day alone. It feels unfair, but then he realizes that Evan’s probably used to it. Evan deserves better. Deserves more.

Heidi has work off the next day and Connor and Evan come downstairs in the morning together to find her in the kitchen. She gives them a smile and asks Connor how his Thanksgiving was.

They sit around the table and eat breakfast together. Connor feels more welcomed here than at his grandparents’ house last night.

“What do you two have planned for the day?” Heidi asks.

Connor and Evan look at each other. Evan shrugs. “I think Jared wants us to come over. He was texting me yesterday.”

“Well, that sounds fun. I think I’m going to spend the day catching up on sleep and studying. Finals are right around the corner,” Heidi says.

She starts talking about her upcoming tests and another mom in her study group who she’s become acquainted with and a couple of internships she’s applying for.

“Just wait until you two boys get to college. So much more fun, but also a lot of work. I think you two will really enjoy it.”

“I’m really excited,” Connor says and, for a second, he almost forgets that he’s terrified. That he never planned for college and genuinely still can’t picture being there or even graduating high school.

And then he’s terrified about going to college and really being on his own and being away from Evan and the thought makes him want to throw up.

“I’m excited too,” Evan says even though he doesn’t look it.

Heidi talks for a bit about her freshman year of college and how much fun she had and meeting people and making friends. Connor wants to be excited, but it sounds like too much. It sounds overwhelming.

Heidi eventually excuses herself to go study and Connor looks at his phone and realizes he has 20 texts from Jared spamming the groupchat. Asking and begging him and Evan to come over and hang out and eat leftovers and play video games. Evan texts back saying they’ll be there soon.

“Jared is the definition of extra,” Connor says as he and Evan are driving over. Evan laughs, but doesn’t deny it.

Connor has fun despite himself. He feels a little weird being around Evan and Jared at the same time since Jared assumed he and Evan were dating. But Jared promised he wouldn’t say a word of that to Evan. But Connor also doesn’t really believe him.

They play some game with a lot of violence and shooting and blood and it reminds Connor of when he was in middle school and his mom bought him a ton of violent video games because she thought it would help him express his anger. And then his dad got mad because he thought they would make Connor more violent.

Nope. He was just wired like this.

“Oh, fuck you!” Jared says after Evan shoots him again. Evan picks up on video games quickly and Connor feels weirdly proud.

They play for a while until Jared suggests having a snack so they move to the kitchen and eat cold turkey and stuffing together. They talk and laugh and Connor actually feels like a real teenager. At one point Evan touches his arm and squeezes it lightly and Connor feels his face heating up. And then he glances at Jared who is staring at Evan’s hand on his arm.

Jared’s mom comes into the house a few minutes later with some shopping bags and reminds Jared that he has two essays that are due on Monday. Jared kind of rolls his eyes at her and she ruffles his hair, and Evan makes a comment about having homework too so he and Connor get ready to leave.

Jared walks them to the door and he smiles. Actually genuinely smiles and says that they should hang out again soon and Connor thinks he might actually want to do that. He actually likes hanging out with Jared.

Evan says that he doesn’t feel like going home so Connor suggests they hang out at his house. He drives them back to his house and he and Evan both have their arms resting on the center console. They brush together a few times and Connor thinks he’ll never get over touching Evan.

Connor leads Evan into his house and Alana Beck is sitting on his couch. Connor does a double take and then looks to Evan who also seems confused. Alana doesn’t let that stop her.

“Connor! Evan! Hi!” she says. She gets up and walks over to them.

“Hi Alana,” Evan says.

Connor nods at her, but he’s still confused.

“Oh, Zoe invited me over. We were just about to play a board game. She went into the basement to find it. You two are welcome to join us,” Alana says.

That’s when Zoe reappears in the family room holding Clue. She stops when she sees Connor and it takes a moment, but she gives him a tiny smile.

“I was just inviting the guys to play Clue with us. Of course, if that’s okay with you,” Alana says, now looking at Zoe.

“Yeah,” Zoe says and she’s smiling and it gives Connor a weird feeling. They’re not normal siblings, but she’s acting like they are. Like they’re the type of siblings who play board games together. He doesn’t understand her. He doesn’t think he ever will, but maybe he wants to. Maybe he wants to get to know her.

“Sounds fun,” Evan says.

Connor nods along with him and ten minutes later the four of them are sitting around the kitchen table playing the game and Zoe’s laughing and smiling and Connor just. Watches her. Admires her. It’s so absurdly normal. Sometimes he really loves Zoe even if she doesn’t love him. She’s a really cool person.

And then he’s looking at Alana who’s also staring at Zoe. She looks. Enamored. Proud. Happy. Like Zoe is the only person in the world who matters. Jared said it’s the type of look Evan gives him. He wonders if anything is going on between Zoe and Alana. It’s a little weird to think about someone looking at his sister in that way. But he hopes Zoe is happy. Zoe deserves happiness.


	17. Change and Stay the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor Murphy turns 18 years old. Connor Murphy has a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello this is long overdue. Sorry about that! I moved back into school a few weeks ago, but I'm settled now and hopefully I'll find time to update regularly between classes.
> 
> Please feel free to drop me a comment and let me know what you think!! Also you can find me at connmanmurphy.tumblr.com.
> 
> Title is from (Coffee's for Closers) by Fall Out Boy.

Connor was born ten days before Christmas on December 15th. He was born a month early with the umbilical cord wrapped twice around his neck. He came out blue and it took a few minutes before the doctors could get him breathing. His mom had taken to calling him her Christmas miracle.

Zoe was born on February 15th. Despite also coming early, there were no complications with her birth. She was their mom’s Valentine’s Day baby.

Connor used to hate having his birthday near Christmas. It was more difficult to have a birthday party around the holidays and people usually ended up only giving him one present and he was completely overshadowed. Connor was bitter about Christmas.

Until he decided that he wants to disappear and stop existing. Until he decided that he hates attention and that an entire day dedicated to him is far too overwhelming. So now he’s happy to fade away in the background.

Except Evan finds out when his birthday is and makes a big fucking deal out of it.

They’re hanging out in Connor’s room because it’s December and too fucking cold to be outside. “You’re turning 18, Connor! You’re going to be an adult,” Evan says.

As if Connor weren’t aware. As if he weren’t dreading the idea of actually being a legal adult. Somehow he made it this far. He accidentally grew up.

“I’m basically a newborn baby,” Connor says. In the last few years, he just assumed he would kill himself before becoming an adult.

“What do you want for your birthday? Do you want to do something? Maybe we can go somewhere,” Evan says.

Connor feels slightly sick thinking about all that. “I don’t want anything.”

Evan sighs and turns to him. He presses his shoulder against Connor’s and moves his face slightly closer. “You must want something.”

Connor bites his lip and wills himself not to turn away. He’s terrified and all his instincts are telling him to run, but he doesn’t. He stays put and stares into Evan’s eyes.

“What do you want?” Connor asks.

“This isn’t about me.”

Connor sighs and knocks his hand against Evan’s and plays with his fingers. “I want to see the Northern Lights,” he finally says.

“Yeah?” Evan asks. He seems intrigued.

“Yeah,” Connor says, surprising himself. He sits up straighter and grips Evan’s hand. “I did a project it in middle school and I’ve always wanted to see them in person since. Things like that really put things in perspective.”

Evan’s smiling at him.

“Like, you know, I won’t do anything great, but I want to see something great. Like the Northern Lights.”

“You’re already great.”

Connor rolls his eyes and lightly shoves Evan’s shoulder. “Shut up.”

Evan shoves him back. “You shut up.”

Connor laughs and gently shoves Evan again

Heidi stops by the house later on her way home from work to pick up Evan, which leads to Connor’s mom inviting her into the house and asking her to stay for dinner. Thankfully she has some study group so she declines. Connor’s relieved because he doesn’t want Heidi to interact with his mom.

Connor locks himself in his room after Evan leaves and lies on his bed. He skips dinner. He’s a little hungry, but decides food isn’t worth interacting with his family. He finds an old granola bar squished at the bottom of his backpack, but doesn’t eat it. Sometimes he likes not eating.

He quietly makes his way downstairs a few hours later. After he was sure dinner was finished and he heard his mom finish washing the dishes. He goes into the kitchen and pulls some food out of the fridge and looks at it. He really isn’t that hungry.

Zoe comes into the kitchen at that moment and he turns around. “Oh,” she says as if he snuck up on her.

It’s like that sometimes. It’s like he sneaks around his own house. He goes from room to room as silently as he can and leaves no trail behind. It’s not even like he does it on purpose. He just got used to making himself invisible as many ways as he can.

It’s past eight and it’s a school night and Zoe’s in her pajamas, but she asks him if he wants to get frozen yogurt.

What the fuck?

“I asked if you want to get frozen yogurt,” Zoe says. She’s not smiling. Her voice is hard and steady. She looks irritated, but also determined.

He almost feels like he doesn’t have a choice in this matter. It’s the same face their dad gave him when he threatened to send Connor to military school.

Connor still doesn’t say anything so Zoe sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. She doesn’t make eye contact with him. “Meet me in my car in five minutes,” she says before going upstairs.

He doesn’t understand Zoe. He doesn’t know if he ever will. They’ve been ignoring each other for years and now suddenly it’s like she’s trying to reconnect with him, but it’s like she doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how either. Everything feels like two steps forward, one step back with her.

Last week she didn’t talk to Connor for three days in a row and then texted him late at night and invited him to watch her perform at her jazz band concert next week.

Now they’re getting frozen yogurt together, her idea and she offered to drive, and Connor is confused, but he doesn’t really care because Evan’s sending him funny snapchats and that’s the only thing he’s focusing on.

“What are you looking at?” Zoe asks him after a few minutes.

Connor takes his eyes away from his phone and looks at her. She’s looking at the road, but glances back at him every few seconds.

“Evan’s snapchatting me,” Connor says.

They pull up to a stop sign and Zoe looks at him. He feels uncomfortable.

“What?” he asks.

“Nothing.”

She starts driving again and it’s quiet. Connor kind of wants to ask what her deal with Alana is, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t feel like it’s his place. “Why are we getting froyo?”

“Because I wanted some.”

“Ice cream is better.”

“Yeah, but A La Mode doesn’t have a cake batter flavor and this place has it. I even called and asked. I was really feeling cake batter tonight.”

Connor shrugs and looks back at his phone. Another snapchat of Evan. A selfie of him with the dog filter. He smiles to himself and he can feel Zoe glancing back at him, but he ignores her.

Hanging out with Zoe is weird and confusing and Connor wishes that things weren’t like this. He wishes things were easier. Maybe one day they will be.

They get to the yogurt shop and Connor holds open the door for her. They go through the motions quickly and quietly, and at the register Connor pulls out his wallet before Zoe can and hands over his debit card. She tries to protest at first, but he just shakes his head at her. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like he needs to pay for her even though she suggested the trip. Maybe this can be the beginning of him makings things up to her.

She tells him she wants to eat in the car so they sit in the dark parking lot in her car and then suddenly she’s pulling out her phone and telling him to smile.

“We’re taking a selfie,” she says. “Please smile.”

“I’ve never smiled once in my life.”

“God, you’re so emo. Do you even own clothes that aren’t black?”

He glances down. “This hoodie is grey.”

Zoe rolls her eyes and turns back to her phone. “I added Evan on snapchat the other day. I’m totally sending this to him.”

Connor feels his face going red. He feels weird about Zoe being friends with Evan. He hates the idea of them talking about him behind his back. “What?”

“I’m adding Evan to my daily streaks.”

“How did you even get his snapchat?”

“He came up on my recommended.”

Connor doesn’t say anything. He just sits in silence and eats his yogurt and he’s a little bitter about it because it doesn’t taste as good as ice cream and it’s freezing out so why are they eating something this cold in the first place.

“So,” Zoe begins. Connor looks at her and can just make her out in the moonlight. “You and Evan.”

It’s more of a question than a statement, and she looks like she’s waiting for an answer. He gives her a shrug and eats more yogurt.

“You guys are friends?”

He gives her a nod. “Yup.”

“Just friends?”

“Best friends.”

“But just friends?”

Connor looks away because he feels himself blushing. Why does everyone assume he and Evan are dating? It’s kind of annoying and it makes him embarrassed and vulnerable.

Zoe rolls her eyes back at him and takes a bite of his yogurt and then he takes a bite of hers and she gives him this tiny smile and he finds himself smiling back at her.

“Do you want to be more than friends with Evan?” she asks.

“No,” he says immediately. It’s almost a reflex at this point.

She eyes him again, but doesn’t say anything and Connor has so many things he wants to say to her. So many things he should say, but he doesn’t and instead they awkwardly eat in silence.

Zoe decides to speak. “Do you ever feel like Mom doesn’t know what she’s doing?”

Connor chuckles and shrugs. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Do you think she’s trying her best?”

“I don’t know.”

She pauses. “Dad is dead.”

Connor looks back at her. It’s been nearly four months. “Yeah.”

“It’s so weird.”

He feels so much pain for her. He hurts for her. He’s angry for her. He’s numb to his own emotions. “Are you, um. Um. Are you, like, doing okay?” he asks. He stumbles over his thoughts and his words come out all jumbled.

Zoe shrugs. “I miss him a lot and sometimes I don’t. I know he was sometimes,” she pauses again.

“An ass?” he supplies.

She looks sad at that and nods.

“Sometimes I can’t help but focus on the bad,” Connor says.

Zoe nods again. She gets it. They grew up together. They’re always going to have that connection despite them both spending years trying to erase it.

They don’t say anything else. They finish eating and then Evan sends Zoe another snapchat asking for more incognito pictures of Connor and Zoe catches Connor on video rolling his eyes and giving the camera the finger and Zoe laughs in the background and saves the video to her phone.

They drive home and Connor goes to bed feeling more at peace than he has in a long time. He wonders if his dad would be proud of him and Zoe.

He wakes up the next morning to his mom knocking on the door and telling him that it’s a snow day. He looks out his window and is immediately transported back to his childhood. Once when Connor was a kid, he woke up on Christmas morning to see snow. It hadn’t snowed yet that year so the night before, he and Zoe set out milk and cookies and prayed to Santa for snow.

His childhood is like something straight out of a Hallmark movie. But Hallmark movies don’t show growing up and depression and premature death.

Connor presses his head back into his pillow and waits for his mom to stop knocking at his door. “Why the fuck are you waking me up to tell me I can just go back to bed?” he mumbles to himself before rolling over and pulling the covers over his head.

He passes out again and wakes up a few hours later to a text from Evan.

_S N O W_

_u seem excited_

_I am! Come over and we can play in the snow!!!_

Connor smiles down at his phone and gets changed quickly and grabs his keys. It’s probably too dangerous to drive, but he’s willing to risk that to get to Evan’s house. Heidi isn’t home so they lounge on the couch pressed against each other. Evan makes them hot chocolate and they try to throw marshmallows into each other’s mouths.

“Oh. I think Jared has a girlfriend,” Evan says after a while. After they spilled half a bag of marshmallows on the floor and laughed about it.

Connor chuckles. “Jared has a girlfriend?”

“Yeah. Well. I don’t know. I went over the other day and he was just, like, I don’t know. Talking about hooking up with some girl. I think from camp? I don’t think they had sex, but he was giving me way too many details,” Evan says. He fiddles with the end of his shirt.

“If there is one thing I don’t want to hear about, it’s Jared Kleinman’s sex life.”

Evan smiles a little bit. “Sorry.”

Connor shoves his shoulder slightly and gives him a tiny smile back. “So he has a girlfriend now?”

“Again, I don’t know. Maybe they just hooked up that once. You know how teenagers are.”

“No, Grandpa, I don’t know how teenagers are.”

Evan gives him this warm smile and then grabs his hand. They stay like that for a while until Heidi comes home and orders take out for the three of them. Connor feels guilty that she’s always feeding him, but she seems happy to do it.

After a while, Heidi starts to clean up and Connor quickly takes over for her. She tries stopping him, but the least he can do is help clean up. He wants to be more than just a burden.

He and Evan are finishing up dishes when Evan turns to him. “We should go for a walk.”

Connor glances over and then to the window outside. It’s still light out. “It’s freezing outside.”

“Yeah, but the sun is gonna set soon and it’s really pretty and I want us to see it.”

So despite his weak arguments, Connor finds himself outside walking down the street of Evan’s neighborhood. They’re holding hands through their mittens.

“We should build a snowman,” Evan says.

“How old are you?”

Evan shoves him lightly and Connor reaches down to grab some snow and throws it at Evan. Who laughs and throws snow back at Connor. Connor doesn’t think he’s laughed this much with anyone else.

He sleeps over at Evan’s house a few days later. It’s the night before his birthday and Evan insists he stay over. Heidi brings home a small cake and Connor tries to keep himself from crying because this is too much. He can’t imagine his life without Evan.

Later they’re up in Evan’s room, in Evan’s bed, when he turns to him and says, “I got you something, but you don’t have to like it.”

Connor frowns. “I’ll like whatever it is.”

Evan shakes his head. “No, you really don’t have to like it. I didn’t even buy it. I just. I. Hang on,” Evan says. He jumps off his bed and goes into his closet. He comes out with a neatly wrapped box. Evan hands it to him and Connor inspects it.

“You really didn’t have to get me anything,” Connor says. He feels overwhelmed.

“Just open it.”

Connor looks back at the present and tears off the wrapping paper carefully and opens the box. It’s an old, portable cassette player with a small box of tapes. He looks at Evan who looks terrified.

“You really love music and I mentioned that to my mom and she found her old cassette player and all her old tapes and some of it is the same music you listen to now and I just thought. I don’t know. I thought it’d be nice. It’s okay if you hate it,” Evan says. He’s tugging on the bottom of his shirt.

Connor swallows and looks back at Evan. He’s never had someone give him a thoughtful gift like this before.

“It’s, like, super 13 Reasons Why-esque, but I promise I don’t have my suicide note on these tapes.”

Connor laughs and then suddenly he has tears in his eyes and this is all just too much. He leans forwards and wraps his arms around Evan. “Thank you,” he mumbles.

“Oh, I wrote you a card too,” Evan says. He pulls away briefly to open his nightstand and pulls out an envelope with Connor’s name written in capital letters across the front. “You can’t read it right now though.”

Connor looks at him.

“It’s just, like. I don’t know. It’s very, um. Kind of personal and, like,” Evan pauses and gestures his hands to try and get his point across.

Connor nods. “I get it,” he says and tucks the letter in his backpack.

They spend the rest of the night squished together in Evan’s twin bed. They watch a few episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and hold hands until they’re too exhausted to stay awake. It’s the best birthday Connor’s had in a long time.

He drives home the next morning. After he and Evan eat cake for breakfast. He’s changed, but he’s the same. He’s 18. He doesn’t have a dad anymore. He’s probably gay. He has intense feelings when it comes to his best friend.

He’s changed a lot. Last year on his birthday, he avoided talking to anyone at all and drove around town for a few hours. His parents never bothered calling to ask where he was.

“Hi honey,” his mom says when he walks in the house. She hands him an envelope. “Happy birthday. This is from me and Zoe.”

Connor takes it from her and gives her a smile and a nod.

“How was your night?”

“Good.” Connor says. He doesn’t say anything else.

“That’s good,” she says. And then she sighs and tilts her head. “Oh honey. I know yesterday must have been hard-”

Connor cuts her off by shaking his head. “Not really.” It really wasn’t. It’s not like he used to spend his birthday with his dad anyway. Everything’s the same except now he doesn’t have a choice.

She gives him this sad mom look and he can’t take it so he stares at the ground and it’s weird and quiet and different. It just feels wrong.

He eventually goes upstairs to his room. He takes the cassette player and all the tapes and gently places it on his desk. Sometimes he feels like he shouldn’t be allowed to hold anything gentle. He breaks a lot of stuff.

He opens the card from his mom and Zoe and it’s a generic birthday card with an Amazon gift card. Connor tosses it aside and grabs the card Evan gave him. He runs his fingers over his name and it makes his heart do weird flips inside his chest. He opens it as gently as possible and frowns when he accidentally rips a corner of the envelope.

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Happy birthday!!! I can’t believe you’re technically an adult. I know we’ve only been friends for a few months, but it feels longer. I can’t imagine life without you._

_I want to write this letter to say thank you for being my best friend. Sometimes I have a hard time talking to you. I just have a hard time talking in general. And even though you make it so much easier, sometimes I still don’t know what to say or how to say it. But I want to tell you that you’re a really important person in my life. Maybe even the most important. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You mean so much to me and I love you. You don’t see it, but you are a good person. You’re the best person I know. You make me want to be a better person. I hope we stay in each other’s lives forever._

_You’ve come a long way, Connor. I’m really, really proud of you. Happy birthday._

_Love,_

_Evan_

Connor has tears in his eyes by the time he finishes the letter. He reads it again and again until the words are burned in his head. He doesn’t ever want to forget Evan’s words. He doesn’t want to forget how Evan’s words make him feel. He folds up the letter and carefully puts it back in the envelope and tucks it at the bottom of his desk drawer.

He can’t believe Evan would write all that. It feels so intimate. Maybe Evan does have feelings for him. Which is terrifying because what if they date and then break up and then Connor loses Evan. He can’t lose Evan. He doesn’t think he would survive that.

His mom lost his dad, but there’s no way she has the kind of feelings Connor is having for Evan.

Or maybe she did. Maybe they did love each other a lot. Or is he just remembering things wrong? Maybe he doesn’t know as much as he thought.

Connor glances at all the tapes and there’s one with a sticky note attached.

_I made you a mixtape!!! It’s a bunch of songs that I love and songs that remind me of you. Enjoy :) –Evan_

Connor puts in his headphones and Missing You by All Time Low starts playing. It makes him tear up again. Sometimes he feels like he can’t go a day without crying. He closes his eyes and lies down on his bed and places his hand on his chest. He can feel his heart beating through his shirt. Another reminder that he’s here he’s alive he’s real.

The next song is When the Day Met the Night by Panic! at the Disco and the one after is Alone Together by Fall Out Boy.

It takes Connor the rest of the mixtape and rereading the letter a hundred more times for him to realize the obvious.

He’s in love with his best friend. He’s in love with Evan Hansen.


	18. I'll Be Your Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe has a jazz band concert. Connor and Evan talk on a swing set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the slow burn is real.
> 
> Sorry it took me a while to post this, but at least it's pretty long. Alternate titles for this chapter include: "Giving the People What They Want."
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you think!!! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I was nervous about writing it, but I think it came out how I wanted. Also feel free to come talk to me on tumblr @ connmanmurphy!! Enjoy :)
> 
> Title is from Home by One Direction.

Connor spends most of the night pacing his bedroom and talking to himself.

He’s known for a while that he has strong feelings for Evan, but he wasn’t really sure what they were or what they meant. But now it feels so obvious that he’s in love with Evan. It’s like a basic fact. He almost feels stupid for not realizing it earlier.

“But what if he doesn’t love me back? What if I confess and ruin everything?” Connor mumbles. He’s snapping the hair tie on his wrist and he runs his fingers through his hair. “God, what if he’s not even into guys?”

Connor sighs and sits back down on his bed. There’s no way that Evan doesn’t feel something. He has to feel something. He has to.

Then he starts thinking about Zoe and the way she looks at Alana and if that means anything. Or if that’s just how best friends act. Connor’s never had a best friend before. He’s not familiar with the best friend protocol. He didn’t even realize Zoe was close with Alana.

It’s Saturday morning and barely past eight, but Connor leaves his room and goes to stand in front of Zoe’s door. He hasn’t been in her room in years. There are a few stickers on the door. He knocks.

It takes a minute, but Zoe opens the door and then she looks confused. “Um. Hi?”

Connor realizes he doesn’t know what he wants to say, but he doesn’t want to admit that he’s in love with Evan. So he just kind of stands there. Searching for something to say.

“Why are you awake this early?” she asks.

“Oh. I don’t know.”

She nods at him, but still looks confused.

Something to say. “Oh, um, thanks for the gift card.”

She tilts her head.

He feels embarrassed. “Mom gave me a gift card and said it was from the both of you.”

Zoe looks at the floor. “Oh. You know how Mom’s always tacking our names onto things.”

Connor nods and looks away because of course their mom would just lie about something like that.

“You still coming to my concert?” she asks. She’s still not looking at him.

“Yeah, of course,” he says. “This Friday?”

“Yup,” she says. She fiddles with her sleeve.

“Are you nervous?” he asks. This isn’t the conversation he set out to have, but it’s something.

She shrugs. “A little. I have a solo and I don’t want to mess up.”

“You’ll be great.”

“I don’t know.”

“I hear you practicing through the walls. You’re really good,” he says. And then he thinks about all the times he pounded on their shared wall yelling at her to shut up.

She just stares at him. She starts twirling a piece of her hair. “Can I play for you?”

He feels a little surprised. “Yeah, of course.”

Zoe smiles and opens her door and he slowly walks in. She shuts the door behind him and grabs her guitar and then sits on the floor with her back against the bed. Connor stands around for a second. He’s in uncharted territory.

Zoe eyes him. “You can sit.”

Connor quickly sits down across from her and watches her. He watches how she turns her attention to her guitar and how she lets her hair fall in front of her face. She starts playing and Connor can’t help but smile as he watches her.

“Shit,” she mumbles to herself. She stops playing and sighs and looks up at him. “It’s a work in progress.”

Connor nods, but doesn’t say anything else. He has no idea how to talk to her.

Zoe looks down and starts playing again. She gets through about a minute of playing before messing up a chord. “I need more practice.”

“You’re amazing,” Connor says immediately. He needs her to know how great she is.

She looks away. “I’m okay. You should hear Sabrina Patel. Her solo is right after mine. She must come from a family of musicians or something.”

Connor shrugs. “She’s not that great. I heard she had to switch out of honors English because she couldn’t keep up.”

Zoe giggles at that. “On the first day of school she told me that her dog died last year so she knows what I’m going through.”

Connor laughs loudly at that and Zoe laughs too. Things feel good. Normal.

“Hey, do you remember when we were little and we used to pass notes between our rooms after Mom and Dad put us to bed?”

“Oh my god,” Connor laughs. He and Zoe would spend hours sliding notes under each other’s doors after they were supposed to be asleep. “I used to get really tired in class because we’d stay up so late. I think one of my teachers actually called home to ask if I was getting enough sleep.”

Zoe laughs and rests her head against her bed. She looks at her guitar and taps her fingers against it.

They sit there for a little longer until they hear their mom gets home. Zoe joins her downstairs and Connor goes back to his room. Evan texts him inviting him over and Connor stares at his phone for a while. He probably shouldn’t. It’s probably best that he doesn’t. But Connor’s never been good at self-control.

Heidi’s at the house when he gets there and she gives Connor a hug. She always welcomes him with literal open arms and he feels at home here. He feels at home around Evan.

The three of them sit on the couch together. Heidi is looking over her notes from class while The Office plays in the background. Evan knocks his foot against Connor’s a couple times and Connor stares straight ahead at the TV.

Heidi sighs. “Just one more final and then I’m done.”

“You’re gonna do great, Mom,” Evan says.

She chuckles and nods. “Hopefully. I’ve been studying my ass off. My professor said she really liked my last paper. Just two more semesters after this. Maybe we should throw a party after I graduate.”

Evan looks away from her. “Maybe.”

She seems to catch on. “It doesn’t have to be a big celebration. It can just be the three of us.”

Connor turns his head at that. She probably just said that to be nice. He hopes he’s in Evan’s life a year from now. Even if that means he’ll be 19 and out of high school and possibly in college. The idea is beyond terrifying. Dying sounds easier.

“That would be great,” Evan says. He gives her a smile that doesn’t look real.

They watch TV for a little longer and chat with Heidi until she says she has to meet up with her study group. They watch her leave and soon enough Connor is alone with Evan and a part of him doesn’t want to be. He’s scared and it feels weird and he’s worried that Evan knows.

“I should probably go,” Connor says after it starts getting dark. He and Evan are sitting on the couch and Connor’s trying to keep some distance.

Evan sits up and gives him a look. “You can just sleep over.”

Connor stands and shakes his head. He can’t sleep in the same bed as Evan. Not when he’s secretly in love with him. That just doesn’t seem fair. “Another time,” he says. He starts grabbing his things and putting on his shoes.

Evan follows him to the front door. “Is something wrong?”

Connor can’t look at him. He just focuses on his shoes. “No. I’m good.”

“Please don’t lie to me.”

Connor glances up and Evan is tugging at the bottom of his shirt. He looks like he might pass out. Connor sighs and stands up and pulls Evan into a hug. He feels Evan cling to him.

“Nothing’s wrong. I promise.”

He feels Evan nod against him and mumble something incoherent against his chest.

Connor pulls away quicker than normal and grabs his keys out of his backpack. “I’ll see you later,” he says.

Evan nods, but still looks unsure and then Connor is out the door. He can’t get out of there fast enough. He gets into his car as quickly as possible and doesn’t look back at the house. He feels so guilty and he just. He hates himself for falling in love with his best friend.

He turns up his music loudly. “I can’t believe one person gave me attention and I fell in love with him,” he says to himself. He feels like an idiot.

He drives around for a while. He drives around until it’s past midnight and then he decides to make his way home. He walks into the dark house and he stands in the kitchen and glances at his phone for the first time. He has two texts from Evan.

_I hope everything’s okay and I didn’t do anything to make you upset._

_You can always talk to me about anything._

Connor sighs. This kid is too caring for his own good.

_just kinda tired. u didnt do anything. ill talk to u later. gn_

“Hey.”

Connor looks up and Zoe’s standing in the kitchen.

“Heard you come in.”

Connor frowns. “How?”

She shrugs. “Light sleeper.”

He nods and then looks back at his phone. He waits as he sees Evan typing and eventually Evan sends him a single blue heart emoji. Connor throws all caution to the wind and immediately sends one back.

“Were you at Evan’s tonight?” Zoe asks.

Connor looks at her again and he almost forgot she was there. “Oh. Um. Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you just sleep over?”

Connor shrugs. He thinks about telling Zoe that he’s in love with Evan, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t think they’re at that place.

“Alana’s in therapy.”

Connor blinks at her. He doesn’t like where this is going. He also feels annoyed on Alana’s behalf for Zoe sharing this information with him. It feels private.

“She’s on meds for depression and anxiety too.”

“Okay?”

“I just,” Zoe pauses and sighs. “She says it really helps. And I know you’re going through some shit-”

“I’m fine, okay, leave me the fuck alone.” He hates when people try talking to him about his mental health. He hates it he hates it he hates it.

“Connor.”

“Just shut the fuck up,” Connor says. His voice is loud and she steps back. He leaves the kitchen before she can say anything else and storms off to his room.

He spends the entire next day in his room. Evan texts him a few times and he ignores it. Jared ends up texting their groupchat asking to hang out soon and Connor ignores that too. His mom and Zoe don’t try checking up on him and Connor doesn’t care. He used to care that his family ignores him. But then he got used to it. He’s too tired to care.

On Monday morning Connor feels relief because he only has one week until winter break. Just five days and then he can hole up in his room and pretend the world doesn’t exist.

Evan texts him right as he’s getting into his car.

_Are you still driving me to school?_

Connor frowns at his phone.

_yeah? why would u think otherwise?_

_You haven’t answered any of my texts. I thought you were mad at me._

_ive been busy sorry_

_Connor, I know for a fact that you don’t do anything._

Connor doesn’t respond and starts driving to Evan’s house instead. He feels really guilty. Evan deserves better. He deserves someone who won’t ignore him because he’s scared of his feelings.

Evan’s outside when Connor pulls into the driveway. He gets in the car and immediately gives Connor a look.

“Wanna tell me why you’re avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Connor mumbles. He stares at the road.

“You literally have an avoidance problem.”

Connor rolls his eyes. He’s not used to having people call him out like this. Besides Zoe and his dad on occasion.

Evan sighs and starts playing with the zipper on his jacket.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Connor says. He’s not used to apologizing to people. His family never apologizes. “I guess I’m just kind of struggling right now. I’m used to pushing people away.” It’s the truth.

Evan nods at that. “Tell me if I’m being pushy or annoying.”

He pulls into the school. “You’re not annoying.” It’s true and he knows Evan needs to hear it.

“Did you still want me to go with you to Zoe’s concert on Friday?”

Connor nods. He forgot that he asked Evan to come. “Of course.”

Evan finally flashes him a smile and drops a hand to Connor’s arm. He squeezes it once and then gets out of the car.

He watches Evan for a second and then sighs. Just five more days and then he can spend days laying in bed and avoiding the fact that he’s in love with his best friend.

He skips English on Tuesday and Wednesday. He doesn’t skip gym because Jared is there as a buffer and Evan isn’t going to question him with Jared around. He and Evan barely talk except on the drive to and from school, and Connor forgot how lonely it is to not have anyone. It’s easy to forget that he and Evan weren’t always friends. Connor decides right then and there that he cannot ruin this friendship. He can’t give up Evan for good. He just has to figure out how to get his feelings under control. Maybe then things can go back to normal.

On Thursday morning, Evan texts him and says that his mom is driving him to school. Connor feels really, really guilty and lonely. His mom doesn’t talk to him much and Zoe has been avoiding him and now Evan is drifting away. Granted, Connor silently acknowledges that he’s been actively pushing Evan away, but it still hurts. Maybe he should talk to Evan. He should talk to someone.

Evan isn’t in gym class and Connor is ready to walk out for the rest of the period, but then he spots Jared standing alone and he kind of feels bad. A part of him feels pity for Jared so Connor finds himself deciding to not skip gym and voluntarily spend time with Jared. He must be going insane.

“Do you know where Evan is?” Connor asks.

Jared rolls his eyes. “Seriously?”

“What?”

“Evan’s been freaking out. He said you’ve been acting weird and distant for like a week now. He thinks you hate him.”

Connor feels guilty guilty guilty. “That’s ridiculous. I don’t hate him. He’s my best friend.”

“Then why are you ignoring him?”

“It’s complicated.”

“You should learn to treat your friends better.”

Angry angry angry. “You’re one to talk about treating friends better. Weren’t you the one who claimed you were only friends with Evan so your parents will pay your car insurance?”

“It was a fucking joke.”

“You’re such a fucking loser,” Connor says before turning around and walking away.

He storms out of the gym and the teacher doesn’t even try going after him because everyone fucking expects crazy Connor Murphy to blow up at any second. He kind of wants to punch the wall and scream, but instead he goes to the library and finds a table in the back and rests his head.

Evan comes to English ten minutes late with a pass. Connor tries catching his eye, but Evan doesn’t look at him.

After class Connor asks Evan if he needs a ride home and Evan shrugs.

“I don’t mind walking,” he says.

Connor feels desperate. “Are you ignoring me now?”

Evan glances around anxiously at the people surrounding them in the hall, and then grabs Connor’s wrist and pulls him into an empty classroom.

“Was it my letter?”

Connor blinks. “What?”

“The letter I wrote for your birthday. Was it too much?”

Connor feels his heart racing. He’s practically memorized the letter at this point. “No. Not at all.”

“Then what the hell is the problem?”

“Can we do this later? Please?”

Evan stares at him for a moment and then walks out of the classroom.

Guilty guilty guilty. Connor knew he was a bad person, but he didn’t think he would be such a bad friend. He should just apologize to Evan and try to ignore his feelings before he ruins the one thing in his life that actually matters. He doesn’t know what he would do if he lost Evan.

At the end of the day, Connor waits in his car in the student parking lot for ten minutes before Evan texts him and says that Jared is giving him a ride home.

Connor speeds the whole way home and goes straight to his room. He lies in bed for a while and then pulls out Evan’s letter and stares at it. He tries to imagine Evan sitting at his desk and writing the letter. He tries to imagine Evan spending time choosing what words to say and then physically writing them down.

The next morning, Connor pretends he’s sick because he doesn’t think he can survive a whole day with his feelings. He’d rather just lie in bed and try to ignore everything.

His mom gives him a look when he claims he’s sick, but lets him stay home anyway. She always gave in when he asked to stay home. It was his dad who would roll his eyes and tell him to get to school.

Zoe knocks on his door a few minutes later. Connor opens it just enough to look at her.

“Are you still coming to my concert tonight?” she asks. She has her arms crossed and she looks bothered.

“Yeah, if you want me there,” he says. He figures she doesn’t. This is the most they’ve spoken since she mentioned therapy to him days ago.

She gives him a look that he can’t decode. “I do.”

He stares at her for a second and then she gives him a nod and turns away. Connor shuts his door and crawls back into bed.

He texts Evan.

_im sick today so i cant give u a ride. sorry._

_That’s okay. Jared’s gonna pick me up and drive me home. Feel better soon._

Connor’s certain that Evan knows he’s faking, but at least he’s just going along with it.

_zoe’s concert is tn at 7. im still going and u dont have to come but id rly appreciate it_

_If you want me there I will be there._

Connor smiles at that and he feels a little more at ease. He spends the day in bed on his laptop. It’s weird how the day goes by fast when he’s at home and slow when he’s at school. Sometimes Connor wishes he could just pause life for a little while so he can lie in bed and not worry about time passing.

When Zoe gets home from school, she immediately starts practicing her solo. He listens to her play through their shared wall. She keeps playing and stopping and sighing and it’s driving him a little insane. He doesn’t blame her for being nervous, but she usually doesn’t get stage fright.

Zoe’s always been the fearless one out of the two of them. In elementary school, Zoe auditioned for the school play and had one of the lead roles. She used to make Connor rehearse with her. She seemed nervous, but as soon as she was on stage, all the fear melted away. She didn’t care what people thought of her. She was meant to be the center of attention.

Connor admires her for that. He’s always been jealous of her. She’s awesome, even if he doesn’t always want to admit it. Even if she hates him. She’s still awesome.

He grabs a sticky note from his desk and thinks about the words his dad apparently used to say. His dad’s catch phrase according to one of his coworkers. He hesitates and then starts writing.

_Don’t worry. You show up. You do your best. Things will turn out just fine._

He stares at the sticky note and considers crumbling it up, but then he goes and slides it under Zoe’s door. He hears the music stop and he feels frozen in place. After a few minutes, the music starts again and Connor goes back to his room.

Their mom comes home a few hours later and immediately asks Connor if he’s feeling better. Connor gives her a small nod and then she’s knocking on Zoe’s door and asking if she’s ready for the concert.

“Your grandparents will be here soon. We’re going out to dinner before the concert,” their mom says.

Connor lets out a sigh and rests his head against his doorframe. “Which grandparents?”

“All of them,” their mom says.

“Why? They’ve never come to any of my concerts before,” Zoe says.

Connor nods. “Yeah, I agree. What is this for?”

Their mom sighs like this is something that should be obvious. “Because they’re family and family pull together during tough times. I want all of us to spend more time together in case something happens.”

Zoe gives her a look. “In case another one of us dies in a car crash.”

Connor lets out a small laugh while their mom gives her a stern look.

“Zoe, please,” she sighs.

“They really don’t need to come to my concert.”

“Well, they are. Both of you, get dressed.”

“What’s the dress code for tonight’s event? Formal?” Connor asks. His tone is entirely sarcastic.

“Black tie actually.” Zoe says without skipping a beat.

Their mom looks at them and sighs again and goes to her room. Zoe gives Connor a hint of a smile before stepping back into her room. Connor feels weirdly okay. Like maybe the world won’t implode. Like maybe his life isn’t falling apart. Sometimes he feels weirdly hopeful.

He finds a maroon sweater that his mom gave him a couple years ago. It’s in the back of his closet and it looks expensive. He puts it on and it doesn’t feel right and he’d rather wear his favorite hoodie or an old band shirt, but knows his mom will appreciate this.

All four grandparents show up at the same time and they’re dressed nicely and Connor’s a little embarrassed because his family is dressing way too nice for some school event.

Connor stands at the top of the stairs and watches them talk to his mom and waits for them to notice him. Zoe leaves her room and she’s all dressed up. Connor immediately thinks about her dressing up for prom and graduation and her future wedding and he feels bad that their dad won’t be here to see any of it. She deserves better.

“I don’t know why everyone’s making a big deal out of this. I really only just need you and Mom there,” she mumbles. She stands next to him and they lean against the railing together.

Connor shrugs. “I think they need it.”

She nods. “You look nice.”

He glances at her. “You look okay.”

She rolls her eyes and starts heading down the stairs. He trails behind her and lets their grandparents fawn over the both of them.

“We better get going if we want to make our reservations,” their mom says, checking her watch.

“I’ll drive myself. I need to pick up Evan after anyway,” Connor says.

“I’ll go with him. The five of you can ride together,” Zoe says.

Their mom looks between the both of them and nods slowly. She seems confused by their relationship. Connor feels pretty confused too.

He and Zoe don’t speak on the drive over, which Connor is thankful for. He still doesn’t really know how to talk to her. They just play music and Connor lets her pick because she seems nervous.

Dinner is fine. The adults are more focused on each other rather than him and Zoe. Connor’s thankful for that too. They ask Connor about where he’s applying to college and he mentions that he sent in a couple more applications today. His mom gives him a surprised look.

He’s not expecting much. He applied to a few state schools and a few schools in the city. He’s trying to keep his expectations low.

His dad isn’t mentioned at all and it feels a little bit like the elephant in the room. Connor doesn’t know why he’s frustrated that no one’s talking about it because he knows he’d be frustrated if they were talking about it. It’s like his brain won’t let him win either way. It’s like a really shitty catch-22.

Zoe eventually says that she needs to leave because she has to get to the school early and Connor’s already standing up and grabbing his keys. He’s more than happy to leave family dinner early. His grandparents all insist on hugging them both before letting them go.

“We’re picking up Evan,” Connor says once they leave the restaurant.

Zoe nods and she looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. Connor shoots Evan a quick text that they’ll be there soon and then they drive in silence. Fall Out Boy plays in the background.

Connor feels weird bringing Zoe to Evan’s house. They’re thankfully not there long because Evan is outside before Connor can text him. He’s wearing a light blue shirt that’s buttoned all the way down and Connor tears his eyes away before he can be called out for staring.

“Hey Evan,” Zoe says as soon as he’s in the car.

Evan flashes her a warm smile and Connor feels more at ease. He and Evan have been in a weird place for the past week, but being in the same space as Evan makes him feel calm again.

“Hi Zoe. Hi Connor,” Evan says.

Connor starts driving and tries to smile at him through the rearview mirror.

“Are you nervous about tonight?” Evan asks. He’s looking at Zoe.

She turns in her seat to look at him. “A little, I guess. I’ve been practicing a lot. As long as I show up and do my best, things will turn out just fine.”

Connor feels his face grow warm when he hears their dad’s words leave Zoe’s mouth. The same words he wrote on a sticky note earlier. Does she know they’re his words? He stupidly wonders what she did with the sticky note.

“That’s a good way to think about it,” Evan nods approvingly.

Zoe chats with him casually about past jazz band concerts, and then she tells the story of her first jazz band concert in freshman year when she accidentally dropped her guitar pick on stage and had to learn how to strum with her thumb on the spot.

“It can’t get worse than that,” she says as they pull into the school. “Actually, once I was in the school play in seventh grade and the kid who had the lead role started throwing up on stage. That’s worse case scenario.”

“I remember that!” Evan says. “Jared’s mom took us to the play that night. That was crazy. I remember they ended the show early and refunded everyone’s ticket.”

Zoe laughs and shakes her head. “I don’t think the kid even cared, but I remember a lot of my friends were really upset.”

Connor parks the car and looks at her. “Well, as long as you don’t puke your guts out on stage, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Fingers crossed,” she says before getting out of the car.

Connor looks at Evan and he smiles before getting out of the car too.

As soon as they get into the school, Zoe leaves them and heads to the band room. Connor thinks about giving her a hug, but then he feels like that would be weird so he doesn’t. He just wishes her good luck and then stands around in the lobby with Evan. He wants to hold Evan’s hand, but he doesn’t.

“My mom and grandparents should be here soon,” Connor says.

Evan nods. “Are you feeling better?”

“What?”

“Weren’t you sick today?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Silence. “Thank you, um. Thank you for coming.” Connor says.

Evan shrugs. “I told you I would.”

“Yeah, but I really appreciate it.”

Evan shrugs again and Connor really, really wants to hold his hand. Evan’s touch grounds him and Connor craves it.

They don’t hold hands and they don’t talk either. They just stand in silence and eventually Connor sees his mom and all of his grandparents enter the school. He awkwardly introduces Evan to his grandparents and they question him on how school is going and where he’s applying to college. Connor would rather be in bed. Or in the ground.

They head into the auditorium and Connor wishes he didn’t have to sit with his family. He wishes he could sit with Evan alone and maybe hold his hand.

Connor doesn’t really care about most of the concert or any of the other kids, but he can’t take his eyes off of Zoe. She’s nothing short of incredible. A part of him wants to stay alive and watch her grow up to do incredible things. Another part of him, a bigger part, wants to die so he’ll be completely out of her way. She doesn’t need anything weighing her down.

Zoe does her solo perfectly. Connor’s filled with a lot of pride and admiration and guilt. He glances over and Evan is looking at him. Evan gives him a smile and gently taps Connor’s thigh twice. Connor taps Evan’s leg once in response.

After the concert ends and after standing around the lobby for a while, Zoe eventually emerges from the band room. She hugs their mom first and then each grandparent and then she stands in front of Connor who awkwardly pats her arm. He’s really at a lost for what to do.

Thankfully, Alana comes to the rescue by running up to Zoe and wrapping her in a big hug.

“You were amazing,” Alana says, pulling back after a few moments.

“Thank you,” Zoe says. She looks like she can’t stop smiling.

Their mom has tears in her eyes and hugs Zoe again. It feels really intimate and personal for a crowded high school lobby. Zoe announces that she’s sleeping over at Alana’s house. Their mom and grandparents are chatting with a few other adults, and Connor figures it’s a good time to leave. He tells his mom who smiles and thanks him for coming to the concert.

Connor and Evan walk through the parking lot and it’s quiet now and all Connor can think about is going home and lying in bed. He wishes he could lie in bed with Evan, but that’s probably not a good idea. So Connor doesn’t say anything.

“Do you want to spend the night?” Evan asks as they get into the car.

Connor’s quiet for a second and then shakes his head. “I think my mom wants me home.”

Evan lets out the annoyed sigh and looks at Connor. “Bullshit.”

Connor straightens up and looks at him.

“Bull fucking shit. Why are you avoiding me?”

“Evan.”

“Do you hate me now? Or something? Did I do anything? Could you at least tell me what is going on?”

Connor starts the car and he doesn’t really know where to go so he starts driving around aimlessly. He doesn’t feel like driving to the orchard because the orchard is a happy place filled with happy memories and Connor doesn’t want to taint it with this fight.

He drives to their old elementary school playground instead.

It’s dark out and too warm for December and Connor is filled with a lot of emotions. Possibly too many.

“What are we doing here?” Evan asks as they get out of the car.

Connor shrugs and they walk on the brick path that leads to the playground. The path was redone about ten years ago, and people who donated to the renovation got a brick dedicated to them.

Connor scans the bricks and then steps onto one. “This is my family’s brick,” he says.

Evan stands next to him and looks at the carving.

_The Murphy Family: Larry, Cynthia, Connor, and Zoe._

Connor stares at it for a while and thinks about how no matter what happens, no matter how much he tries to distance himself from his family, their four names are forever immortalized on this brick. His dad will live forever through the carving on his future headstone and this brick.

He walks to the swings and Evan follows him. They sit next to each other and Connor doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry,” Connor tries. He figures he might as well start somewhere.

Evan nods.

“You mean a lot to me,” he continues. It’s the truth.

“You mean a lot to me too,” Evan says. “Which is why it’s killing me that you haven’t been talking to me.”

“I know. It’s killing me too.”

“Then stop ignoring me?”

“Evan.”

“Just tell me what is happening.”

Connor sighs and looks away. He can’t tell Evan that he likes him. He can’t admit it out loud. He can’t ruin this. He can’t let his fucking feelings get in the way of this friendship.

“Connor,” Evan tries.

“You’ll hate me. If you knew.”

“Stop it. I could never hate you.”

“You’ll hate me.”

“Stop!” Evan looks frustrated.

“God, Evan, can you just fucking let it go? Can we pretend that nothing is wrong?”

“No. We’re best friends and I’m not letting anything ruin that.”

Connor drops his head to his hands.

“I have spent my whole life being bad at communicating, and you’re the first real friend I’ve ever had. Just talk to me.”

“Evan, I swear to god.” His voice is getting louder. Angrier. The anger is building, but it’s all out of fear.

“No. I’m not letting you push me away,” he says. His voice is steady and Connor would be impressed if he wasn’t busy freaking out.

“You’re going to hate me.”

“No, I won’t! Just talk to me!”

“God. I just,” Connor groans and looks away. “I fucking like you, okay? That’s what’s fucking wrong. I like you and I know you definitely don’t like me back and I’m fine with that, but I don’t want it to change anything. I don’t want you to feel weird around me and I don’t want my stupid feelings to ruin our friendship, but this is killing me. It’s making me go insane.”

“Wait, you like me?”

“Evan.”

“Like, you like like me?”

Connor rolls his eyes. “How old are you?”

Evan looks like he’s in shock. “You have a crush on me,” he says. It’s not a question anymore. It’s a statement.

Connor’s heart is pounding. He feels like he’s in middle school. “Yeah. And I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it would ruin our friendship, but I guess keeping it a secret was ruining it anyway.”

“Connor, I like you too.”

Connor finally looks at him and Evan is tugging on his sleeves. “What?”

“I really like you a lot.”

This isn’t real this can’t be real this doesn’t feel real. “Are you being serious? Or are you just trying to make me feel better? I promise, I don’t care if you don’t like me back and I swear I won’t let it affect our friendship in the future.”

Evan grabs his hand and it feels different this time. “Connor, I have romantic feelings for you.”

Connor feels his head spinning and he finds himself smiling and he looks away because this is too intense and too many feelings, but he forces himself to look at Evan again. “You like me,” he says. It’s soft and barely there.

Evan nods and starts smiling himself. “I like you.”

Connor starts laughing because he doesn’t know what else to do. Evan laughs with him and then it’s quiet again. Connor stares at the ground and thinks about how many times he and Evan must have passed each other on this playground when they were little. And now they sit here with the future uncertain.

“So what do we do now?” Evan asks.

Connor sighs and shrugs. He squeezes Evan’s hand. It’s something he’s done countless times before, but everything feels different now. “I really like you. But our friendship is the most important thing in my life. What if we date and it doesn’t work out and then I lose you?”

Evan gives him a sad look. “We live and move on. I’m not saying that wouldn’t break me, but we can’t live just for each other.”

Connor smiles. He can’t help it. “That’s a really mentally healthy thing to say.”

“I guess I’m the poster child for therapy now.”

Connor laughs and he feels tears in his eyes. He doesn’t know why. “I want to date you. I really do. But I just don’t know if I’m in a good place right now. I’m really sad a lot of the time and sometimes I can’t even get out of bed. And I’m still, like, really sad about my dad.”

Evan nods and intertwines their fingers. “We can try dating later. Maybe when you feel like you’re in a better place. I don’t know if I’d be a great boyfriend either. I’m pretty mentally ill too.”

Connor nods and it’s not really what he wants, but he’s also too scared for anything else. He’s terrified. He doesn’t know how to date someone and he would probably be a bad boyfriend. He doesn’t want to ruin something that’s barely begun.

“So best friends now? Boyfriends later?” he asks.

Evan nods and squeezes Connor’s hand in response. “Best friends now. Boyfriends later.”

They stand up and Evan hugs him tightly. Connor rests his head against Evan’s and closes his eyes.

“Thank you for understanding,” he mumbles. Evan holds him tighter. “I like you so much. Maybe we can talk about this again in a few months.” He tries to ignore the fact that in a few months they’ll be graduating and going off to college. That feels too real. All of this is too real.

Evan nods against him. “I like you too much to force you into a relationship you’re not ready for.”

They pull apart soon enough and walk back to the car. Evan holds his hand on the drive home. It’s not how he expected the evening to go, but Connor feels good about it. He feels good about his relationship with Evan.

And for once, he feels good about the future.


	19. I Found Hope When Hope Was Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor celebrates Christmas with Evan. Alana throws a New Year's party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay listen I am SO sorry that updates have become super slow. School is rough.
> 
> I had a little bit of trouble with this chapter, but I hope you guys like it!! Feel free to drop me a comment or come talk to me on tumblr @connmanmurphy!!
> 
> Also. This story has fanart now!!!!! I literally cried when I saw it. Here is the link bc I do not know how to link something directly in the notes even after I tried googling it:
> 
> https://connmanmurphy.tumblr.com/post/179428830094/dusiadrawsthings-so-best-friends-now
> 
> It is so beautiful!!!!!! If anyone ever creates fanart for this story I will literally owe you my life.
> 
> Title if from Moving Forward by Colony House.

Alana is throwing a New Year’s party. According to Zoe. Apparently she’s inviting everyone from her extracurricular activities. Everyone she considers an acquaintance. Apparently this includes Connor and Evan.

Connor doesn’t like parties. Not that he ever gets invited to any. His parents used to ground him a lot as punishment only for them to realize that he doesn’t leave the house in the first place.

But despite the fact that Connor doesn’t go to parties, he still doesn’t like them. There are too many people and it’s loud and crowded and he can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t belong. He doesn’t belong at parties, but that doesn’t stop his mom from trying to convince him that he should go.

“It’ll be good to get out of the house. Socialize. Meet people,” she says.

Christmas Eve is tomorrow. He hasn’t seen Evan since they talked at the playground a few days ago. They’ve been texting pretty much nonstop, but Connor still misses him. He wants to see him, but he’s also scared.

“I guess,” Connor shrugs.

His mom stares at him for a second and then goes back to unloading the dishwasher. He figures he should help, but he just doesn’t. Instead he sits at the island and drums his fingers against the counter.

“Alana’s a bright girl. Zoe told me she was already accepted into two Ivy League schools. Isn’t that incredible?”

Connor shrugs again and tries not to think about that. It’s easy to focus on other people’s successes when he has nothing but failures. If Alana has mental health struggles too, why is she able to be successful while he isn’t? It doesn’t seem fair. He struggles to even have a conversation with his mom.

His mom sets down the dishes and leans on the counter and looks at him. “I want you to go to that party.”

Connor frowns. “I thought parents weren’t supposed to encourage their kids to go to parties,” he says. Especially when, in his case, he has a history of smoking and drinking.

His mom gives him a light smile. “I trust you.”

She doesn’t. She trusts Zoe, who will also be at the party, and she trusts Evan, who looks like he could be the poster child for D.A.R.E.

Connor hasn’t mentioned the party yet to Evan. He’s pretty sure Evan wouldn’t want to go, even though he saw on Facebook that Evan responded to the invitation as interested.

He would rather just hang out with Evan alone. Even though people are supposed to kiss at midnight, and Connor doesn’t really know what that means for him and Evan since they aren’t dating.

They’re not together. But they like each other. And they talk all the time. And Connor sent him a selfie on snapchat yesterday and Evan said he looked cute.

Best friends now. Boyfriends later. Would Evan want to kiss him at midnight? He knows Evan can’t wait forever. He doesn’t want to wait either. But he’s also never kissed anyone before. He wonders if Evan has.

Zoe comes into the kitchen at that moment. She hesitates and then takes a seat next to Connor.

“Oh, Zoe, I was just talking to Connor about Alana’s party,” their mom says.

Zoe smiles and Connor tries to analyze her face, but he can’t find anything. She actually seems happy upon hearing that.

“You should come. I know Alana considers you a friend,” Zoe says to him.

Connor shrugs. Alana has a lot of friends. Or acquaintances. Or whatever. He’s sure she won’t miss him if he’s not there.

“What are you doing for New Year’s, Mom?” Connor asks. He’s genuinely curious. He hopes she’s okay. It’s clear she tries to hide her pain from them, but it’s also like she doesn’t know how.

She plasters on some kind of fake smile. Or maybe it is real. “Oh, I’m getting together with the girls from my book club.”

Zoe smiles at her. “That sounds nice.”

Their mom nods and looks down at the counter. Her smile fades slowly and Connor looks away. She spent years looking away from his pain. Why shouldn’t he do the same to her?

Even if he did want to help, he wouldn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to help her.

Zoe gets up and moves around the counter to pull her into a hug. Their mom sighs. Zoe’s face is expressionless.

It’s awkward and quiet and after a couple moments, their mom pulls away and lets out a deep breath. She puts on a newer and much less convincing fake smile. She adjusts her wedding ring. “I have some last minute shopping to do.”

“You’re shopping two days before Christmas?” Zoe asks.

Their mom laughs slightly. “I know. It’s a little ridiculous. Your father would always tease me for last minute shopping.”

Connor’s looking at Zoe and Zoe’s looking at their mom and their mom isn’t looking at either of them. It’s their first Christmas as a family of three, and Connor knew he would be sad, but he didn’t think that he’d also be scared.

He’s scared of the future. He’s scared of the uncertainty. He doesn’t know what it means to not have a dad. He doesn’t know how to not have a dad.

“Can I come?” Connor asks, surprising himself.

His mom and Zoe both look at him shocked. His mom breaks out into a smile and nods. “Of course honey.”

So he somehow finds himself going to the mall with his mom. He doesn’t really know how it happened. They don’t spend time together and Connor actively goes out of his way to avoid her. Not because he hates her. He just thinks it’s easier for everyone if he stays out of the way.

But maybe if he’s nice to his mom for an afternoon it’ll lessen his guilt.

Not likely.

Sometimes he thinks about his mom dying. How she could drop dead at any second. How he won’t have her in the future. Sometimes if she’s late coming home from somewhere, he’ll worry that she’ll have somehow died.

“What do you want for Christmas?” Connor asks.

They’re standing in the middle of some department store. He hasn’t bought gifts for anyone yet. He needs to get Evan something perfect.

“I think I want new dishes,” his mom says.

Connor looks at her and she’s staring at the kitchenware sitting at the opposite end of the store. She turns to him and there are tears in her eyes.

“I’ve wanted to get new dishes for a while, but your father,” she pauses and brings a hand up to her mouth. Connor puts a hand on her shoulder because he doesn’t know how else to comfort her. “Dad said we didn’t need new dishes. He always got annoyed when I brought it up. But I think we could use a change.”

“Then buy some,” Connor says simply. “It’s okay that you’re changing things. I don’t think he would care if you bought new dishes.”

His mom nods and smiles and wipes at her eyes. He’s not the comfort she wants or needs, but it’s what she’s stuck with. It’s all he can offer her. He feels bad that he can’t be more for her. He pities her.

Though, he supposes, if he lost Evan he would be a mess too.

He thinks about telling her that he’s gay because he probably is. It’s the middle of the day and he’s in a crowded mall with his mom, and he can admit that he’s probably gay. He would willingly be out, loud and proud, if that meant he could be with Evan.

He’s probably gay because he’s never had a crush on a girl and he’s always had an interest in boys. In eighth grade, their whole class was shown a documentary about a gay high school football player and his coming out story, and Connor couldn’t stop thinking about it.

His town is pretty accepting. There are a lot of gay kids in his school and he’s pretty sure there’s a gay straight alliance.

Sometimes he thinks that it’s okay for other kids to be gay, but not him. It would be easier if he were straight. At least now he’ll never have to come out to his dad. Not that his dad was homophobic. But Connor knows that it wouldn’t have made things any easier between them.

So he walks with his mom through the mall in silence and considers telling her. But then they leave the mall and get into the car and drive home with the radio playing and Connor goes straight to his room.

Evan calls him early the next morning. It’s barely past seven and Connor wakes up to his phone vibrating. His heart immediately drops when he sees Evan calling. Every worst-case scenario runs through his head as he rushes to answer.

“Hello?” Connor says as he answers, preparing for the worst.

“Hi,” Evan says. His voice is calm.

Connor waits a couple seconds. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Are you okay?” Why are you calling me?”

Evan chuckles a little bit. “I just, um. I wanted to talk to you and. I just. I wanted to hear your voice,” he says, now slightly shaky.

“Oh.”

“Sorry, is that dumb?”

“No! Not at all. Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting you to call. I was scared that something happened.”

“Don’t worry, I’m fine.” He pauses. “Actually, you were in my dream last night.”

Connor sits up. He smiles. “Really? What happened?”

“We were at a zoo together and a few of the animals escaped and we had to rescue them.”

Connor laughs loudly. “Oh my god. Did we save them?”

“I don’t know. I woke up.”

Connor laughs again. “I went to a petting zoo once with my family when I was little. My dad got Zoe and I to eat the animal food. My mom was so pissed.”

“That’s funny.”

They’re quiet for a little bit, just listening to each other breathe, before Connor speaks up again.

“Hey, can I ask you something kinda personal?”

“Um. Sure?” Evan says nervously.

“Are you gay?” Connor asks. “I’m only asking since, like, we like each other. I figured it’d be okay to ask? Sorry, you don’t have to answer,” he says quickly.

“That’s valid,” Evan says. “I’m pretty sure I’m bi.”

“Oh. Cool,” Connor says. “I think I’m gay. How do you know that you’re bi?”

Evan’s quiet for a few moments and Connor waits. “I’ve had crushes on girls in the past. But I’ve also liked boys too.”

“Oh. I’ve never liked girls. I guess I am gay.”

Evan laughs again. His laugh is soft.

“My dad always said that I would start liking girls when I became a teenager. Apparently not.”

“I told my dad I’m bi.”

“Wow, really? When?”

“Just a couple weeks ago. I think I realized I was bi in sophomore year, but I didn’t really come to terms with it until recently. And then the other day my dad called me and wouldn’t stop talking about how excited he was for the new baby and I was fed up so I just said it.”

“How did he react?”

“He was fine with it. He started talking about how one of his coworkers is gay.”

Connor snorts. “At least you’ve told someone. This is the first time I’ve ever talked about it out loud.”

“Are you gonna tell your family?”

Connor shrugs. “Probably eventually. I know they’ll be fine with it.” Maybe when they start dating he’ll break it to his family.

“I haven’t told my mom yet, but I’m going to soon. I think she has a feeling anyway. She tried asking me about you once.”

“Wait, really?”

“She asked if there was anything going on between us and I said no and that was the end of it. That was back in October.”

“Wow,” Connor says. He thinks back to that one night when Heidi saw him sneak out of Evan’s room. He thinks about the knowing look she gave him. “I think I’ve always known I was gay, but I hardcore repressed it when I was younger.” It feels weird admitting out loud that he’s gay. It almost feels wrong.

“Really?”

“Sometimes I don’t even know. I’ve never even kissed anyone,” he says. His heart is racing. This is not a conversation that should happen over the phone at seven in the morning.

“I kissed a girl once when I was 12. I went to sleepaway camp for a week and one night about 20 of us were playing spin the bottle.”

“That’s so stereotypical middle school.”

Evan laughs. “Right? Anyway the kiss lasted for about three seconds, but I got my first kiss before Jared.”

“Wow, I’m weirdly proud of you.”

“Thank you. I think I even told my mom about it when she picked me up.”

Connor laughs. “That’s so fucking funny.”

They’re quiet again. “So. You’ve never kissed anyone?” Evan asks.

Connor feels his heart racing racing racing. “Nope.”

“My first kiss barely counts. I’ll be just as clueless as you.”

Connor feels like he might die. “Good to hear.” He pauses. “Hey, what are you doing for New Year’s?”

“I was going to ask if you wanted to go to Alana’s party together.”

“Oh.”

“We don’t have to. I thought it might be fun.”

“Yeah, totally,” Connor says.

Evan pauses. “We don’t have to stay the whole time, but it might be nice to stop by.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want to come over later today?”

“Oh.”

“Sorry. I’m sorry, I know it’s Christmas Eve and you probably want to spend time with your family, but my mom’s working tonight and I want to see you.”

“Yes,” Connor says. “I want to see you too.”

“Okay. Cool. So, just text me when you’re driving over?”

“Yeah, that works.”

“Okay,” Evan repeats. He pauses. “I can’t wait to see you.”

Connor smiles. “I can’t wait to see you too.”

They stay on the phone for a while after that. They talk for a bit and then they sit in silence just being with each other over the phone. It doesn’t feel weird at all. It’s nice. It’s comforting.

Connor feels anxious for the rest of the day. He’s anxious about seeing Evan. The anticipation makes him anxious and he wants to talk about it to someone, but the only person he feels comfortable talking to is Evan.

He thinks about talking to Zoe, but quickly scraps that idea. They’re on okay terms right now and Connor doesn’t want to risk anything.

He ends up driving around for a while and eventually makes his way to Evan’s house. Evan opens the door the second he rings the doorbell. They stand there for a moment just looking at each other before Evan breaks out into a smile and gestures for Connor to come inside.

“Hi,” Evan says. He’s smiling.

“Hi,” Connor says. He feels himself staring and he doesn’t care.

They stand there in silence and it’s not as awkward as Connor thought it would be. He doesn’t really know what to say or how to act, but he’s not uncomfortable. His heart is comfortably racing and he feels calm.

“Um,” Evan says and then stops.

Connor laughs nervously. “So.”

Evan bites his lip and plays with the bottom of his shirt. “Do you wanna watch Netflix? Or something? Or we could hang out in my room? Or do you want to go driving?”

Connor shrugs. “Netflix is fine. We can just, like, talk or something.”

“I’d like that.”

Evan leads them to the family room and sits on the couch. Connor hesitates and sits next to him. He wants to lean against Evan like he normally would, but he isn’t sure if he should. Would Evan be okay with that?

“So I came out to my mom earlier. Before she left for work,” Evan says.

“Oh,” Connor says. He picks up his head to look at Evan. “How’d it go?”

“Good. She said that she’s proud of me and that she loves me.”

“That’s good.”

Evan hesitates and he looks like he’s about to say something, but he doesn’t. Instead he just rests his head against the couch again and looks up at the ceiling. “I thought I’d feel different, but I feel the same.”

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes I build things up in my head to be bigger than they actually are.”

“I do that too. Sometimes I feel like I keep waiting for something to happen.”

“I know that feeling.”

“But at the same time, I feel like I’m waiting for the shit in my life to end. Does that even make sense? I don’t know what to do with myself,” Connor says. He lets out an exhausted breath and picks at his nail polish.

Evan’s quiet for a little bit. “I wish I could help you somehow.”

Connor closes his eyes and takes one of Evan’s hands. “Being here is enough.”

Evan smiles at him. “Oh, um, also.” He pauses and looks away. “I got accepted into three schools.”

Connor smiles and squeezes Evan’s hand. “Dude. That’s awesome. Congrats,” he says. He’s happy for Evan. He really is. Even if that happiness comes with a sense of impending doom.

Evan looks at him. “Have you heard back from anywhere yet?”

Connor shakes his head. Now that the future is only a few months away, it feels so much more uncertain. Graduating high school used to be a distant fantasy. Everyone talks about graduation like it’s the finish line. But now people are talking about after graduation and college and Connor feels like he’s still a freshman. He feels like he’s still a scared 15-year-old who slams the door in his mom’s face and locks himself in his room.

“I would tell you not to worry, but that’d be kind of hypocritical of me,” Evan says.

Connor laughs slightly and moves slightly closer. Maybe he can force himself to forget about the future for a little bit. If only he could stop thinking all together.

Evan turns on Netflix after a while for some background noise. He lies down on the couch and pulls Connor down with him.

Still holding hands. Connor’s head on Evan’s chest. Evan’s other hand resting in Connor’s hair.

“Can I ask you something?” Evan whispers. He sounds hesitant.

It’s getting late and Connor knows he should probably go home soon, but he wants as much time as possible with Evan. “Sure.”

“I don’t really know how to ask this,” Evan mumbles. He sighs. “When was the last time you cut yourself?”

Connor tenses up out of instinct. “I don’t know. Maybe a month? It’s not a big deal to me.”

“You don’t think it’s a big deal?”

Connor pushes himself up and shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s just something I do sometimes.”

Evan nods and reaches for Connor’s hand again. “I wish you wouldn’t.”

“I wish you wouldn’t either.”

“I haven’t in a while.”

“Good.”

They stay still for a few moments just staring at each other.

Evan sighs. “I wish we weren’t sick.”

“Me too.”

“Do you think you’ll ever get professional help?”

“Evan.”

“No, listen. Please,” Evan says. He looks down at his lap. “I care about you. A lot. And I know you’ve had trouble with therapists in the past, but I want to see you get better. You deserve recovery. You at least deserve a chance.” He looks up again holds eye contact.

Connor doesn’t know what to say and he feels uncomfortable at Evan’s stare so he looks away.

“Being in therapy is hard. I’m not gonna lie. But I think I am getting better. And I want you to get better too.”

“It’s scary,” Connor mumbles. He plays with his sleeve. He doesn’t know what it means to not be sick. Being sick has taken over his life years ago. It’s all he is now. Who is he if he lets go of that part of himself?

“It is scary,” Evan says. “But I think spending the rest of your life being sick is scarier.”

“I don’t even know how to ask for help,” Connor sighs. “How did you ask your mom for therapy?”

“I didn’t have to ask. My mom was already concerned because my anxiety was getting bad, but then one day at school I had a panic attack during a vocab quiz. It was so bad that I had to go home early. My guidance counselor suggested my mom take me to see someone and then a week later I met Dr. Sherman. I was about 13 at the time.”

“Wow,” Connor says. “I used to be a lot worse. I got better on my own, but I still feel hopeless a lot of the time. And right now, I don’t know if I’m depressed or grieving.”

“You need to ask your mom for therapy.”

He nods. “I know.”

“She just wants what’s best for you.”

Connor thinks back to when he was 15. When his mom brought him to a couple therapists. When she signed them up for a mother and son yoga class because yoga always made her feel better. When they went to two family therapy sessions before never going back. Nothing seemed to work. At the time, it felt like she was doing the bare minimum. Maybe she thought she was doing everything she could.

His dad barely did anything to help him. Maybe he didn’t know how to help.

“I miss my dad,” Connor says. It’s quiet and he’s a little scared to say it out loud.

Evan doesn’t say anything. He wraps an arm around Connor and squeezes his shoulder.

“I miss him, but not completely. I miss a part of him. I don’t know if I want him back,” Connor says. He feels guilty for saying it. For even thinking it.

“That’s okay,” Evan says. He doesn’t sound disgusted or confused. He sounds genuine.

Connor looks at him. “I’ll talk to my mom. I want to be better. I can’t live like this.”

Evan smiles and holds Connor’s hands. “Get better with me.”

Connor nods and lets Evan play with his fingers. He tries to imagine a future where they’re both recovered and happy and together. It’s hard to imagine.

He leaves after a while. Evan hugs him before he goes.

Connor wakes up the next day on Christmas morning to the smell of pancakes. It was always a tradition for their family to have pancakes on Christmas morning. Even if that tradition fell out of place in the last few years.

The first Christmas without his dad. Last year, Connor kept himself locked in his room for most of the day. He opened his presents late at night after his family went to bed. He got a bunch of gift cards and clothes he knew he’d never wear. He would have honestly preferred nothing. Then he wouldn’t have to feel guilty about not getting his family anything.

He chose not to spend Christmas around his dad. And now he doesn’t have that choice. It’s not fair.

Connor leaves his room and goes downstairs to the kitchen. His mom and Zoe are sitting at the table eating breakfast. They’re smiling. He watches and then eventually joins them. Things feel nice, but wrong. Everything feels wrong.

They open presents together. It stresses Connor out. He would rather just spend the day holed up in his room again, but he doesn’t think he can do that right now.

He goes over to Evan’s house later. Heidi hugs him as soon as she answers the door. She hugs him more than his own mom does. Maybe she knows he needs it.

Evan suggests they go on a walk so they end up walking down Evan’s street even though it’s dark and cold out. But they hold hands and it’s nice. They don’t talk because they don’t need to.

They eventually wind up back at Evan’s house. Evan invites him inside for hot chocolate and Connor’s too weak to say no. He figures he should say no because late night hot chocolate on Christmas feels like something that’s reserved for people in relationships.

But Connor follows Evan inside for hot chocolate anyway and they wind up on the couch watching different Christmas episodes from The Office, which they both decide is a better alternative than watching cheesy Christmas movies. Heidi ends up joining them and makes them more hot chocolate when they run out.

Evan walks Connor to his car later and they stand in the driveway in silence and then Evan starts laughing.

“What?” Connor asks, starting to laugh himself.

Evan shakes his head. “I don’t know. I’m just. Happy.”

Connor doesn’t say anything. He just smiles. He can’t remember being this happy in a long time. He’s happy Evan’s happy.

Evan leans forward and kisses Connor’s cheek. It’s quick and barely there and soft and warm and Connor thinks his knees might give out. He feels floaty and bubbly and light. Evan makes him feel so so so good.

“Merry Christmas, Connor.”

“Merry Christmas, Evan.”

Connor gets into his car and Evan waves as he backs out of the driveway. Connor waves back.

They decide that they’ll go to Alana’s party, even if they don’t want to stay the whole time. Heidi drops off Evan at Connor’s house on her way to work, which leads to their moms talking for a few minutes. Connor tries not to be uncomfortable with them talking.

“I honestly don’t even know what you’re supposed to wear to a party,” Evan says.

Connor looks over and he has a plaid shirt half buttoned. “I don’t think it really matters.”

“Are you seriously asking me to not worry about something?”

Connor laughs. “Good point.”

Zoe knocks at the door. “You guys ready yet?”

“Almost,” Connor says.

They head downstairs later. After Connor’s sure that his mom left the house. She was making such a big deal earlier about Connor going to a party. Maybe it’s because it’s the first time he’s been invited somewhere since he was in middle school.

“Finally,” Zoe sighs as they enter the kitchen.

“Can’t rush perfection,” Connor deadpans as they walk to the garage.

“We need a designated driver,” Evan says.

“Not it,” Zoe says immediately.

Connor shrugs. “I’ll do it.”

Zoe laughs. “You’re not drinking?”

He shrugs again and doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t like drinking that much, but when he does, he prefers to be alone.

Zoe separates herself from them as soon as they enter the party. Connor didn’t really know what he expected an Alana Beck party to look like, but it’s definitely not a wild house party that he thought all teenagers had. It feels pretty chill.

Connor recognizes a few people, but mainly just sticks to Evan’s side the whole time. Evan ends up being social one out of the two of them. He downs half a drink and then holds the cup for a while, and then explains to Connor that he doesn’t know what to do with his hands so he’s holding a cup just to hold something.

Alana finds them after a little bit and gives them both a hug like they’re old friends.

“Evan! Connor! I’m glad you both came,” Alana says. She looks genuinely happy.

“We are too,” Evan says for the both of them.

Connor nods. “Where’s Zoe?” he asks. He’s worried about her, even if he probably doesn’t have a right to be.

Alana shrugs. “She’s around. Don’t worry.” She starts speaking again before either of them can say anything else. It’s like she doesn’t know how to stop talking. “Have you guys heard back from any schools yet? I’ve been accepted into six schools so far. Right now, I’m trying to decide between Yale and Princeton. I know, wow.”

“That’s amazing,” Evan says. Connor doesn’t say anything.

“I’m gonna find Zoe. I’ll catch up with you in a bit,” Connor says.

It feels weird leaving Evan’s side, but he needs to find Zoe. He needs to see that she’s okay.

After poking his head in a few rooms, he hears his name being called out.

“Connor!”

He turns around and Zoe’s walking toward him. She stumbles a little and he reaches out to catch her. “Are you drunk?”

“Just a little,” she laughs. She takes a sip of her drink. “Why aren’t you drinking? You’re so weird sometimes.”

Connor doesn’t say anything. He just stares.

She drinks some more. “My weird brother.”

Connor walks away at that and she doesn’t seem to notice because she starts talking to other people. At least she’s doing okay. He needs her to be okay.

He steps outside for some air. There are some people chatting in the backyard. Connor spots Evan standing by himself and walks over to him.

“Hi,” Connor says.

Evan smiles at him. “Hi. Did you find Zoe?”

“Yeah. She’s doing just fine.”

“That’s good.” Evan looks at him. “It’s almost midnight.”

Connor swallows. “Yeah.”

“Any New Year’s resolutions?”

“I don’t know. Take more drugs.”

“Connor,” Evan laughs and gently shoves his shoulder. “Seriously.”

Connor smiles back at him and reaches for his hand. “I think I want to be nicer to my family.”

“I like that,” Evan says. “I want to speak up for the things I want.”

“Good for you. You deserve everything you want,” Connor says.

Evan stares and moves closer to him. People from inside the house start shouting and he can hear the distant voices of people counting down to midnight. Connor can’t take his eyes off Evan.

Ten.

They’re not dating. They’re not together. They’re holding hands and they like each other, but they’re just friends. They agreed to date later.

Nine.

The future is uncertain. Evan’s going to college next year. And Connor…

Eight.

Connor spent the last few years wanting to die.

Seven.

He’s going to ask his mom for therapy.

Six.

Evan bites his lip. Connor might pass out before midnight.

Five.

Evan’s eyes are really pretty. So are his lips.

Four.

Connor spent years alone, but now he has Evan.

Three.

It feels wrong going into the New Year without his dad. He wonders if his mom is okay.

Two.

Evan takes a step closer. He leans forward.

One.

Evan’s kissing him. Connor shuts his eyes and instinctively pulls Evan closer. He doesn’t know what this means for their relationship, but he also doesn’t care. He just wants Evan.

He pulls away after a few moments. It’s overwhelming and Connor’s probably a really bad kisser. Evan starts laughing and leans forward and kisses him again. Connor can’t stop smiling against his lips. Maybe things are okay. Maybe this will be a good year.

He never goes into the New Year hopeful. He’s never been hopeful about anything before.

But he’s also never had someone like Evan before.

He stares into Evan’s eyes and smiles and hesitantly leans forward and connects their lips again. The future doesn’t seem scary as long as he has Evan.


End file.
